


With All My Art

by wamawriter



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2019-09-13 14:22:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 54,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16894272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wamawriter/pseuds/wamawriter
Summary: An artist and long time Tegan and Sara fans' life begins to change when she finally meets her idols after years of following them on tour. It's not based on anyone in particular, it doesn't reference any particular fan, nor is it based on myself (come on, I'm a Sara gal anyway!) which is why some details are left undisclosed; so your imagination can fill the blanks.Inspired by dreams, premonitions and knowing that true love will find a way if you let it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking out my story.  
> I have been writing this since 2014 and I have now written more than 200 chapters and still on going.  
> I hope you enjoy reading it. I started this very inexperienced so please bear this in mind with the first bunch of chapters, I promise my writing and the story gets much, much better....

It was almost time.  
The time I waited for.  
The time I lived for.

For years I have followed their career, city-to-city, state-to-state, country to country and watched as my idols have taken on bigger and better stages, venues and opportunities. And even though I am in no way a part of their lives, I've never felt so proud of them or more a part of anything in my life. My love for them was like no other. And that was something I struggled with every day. _If only they knew..._

When I wasn't following a tour, I was creating art, writing lyrics (if only I had even a small musical note in my body to write my own songs) & dreaming of the next time I would get to be on that road again. It was something to pass the time, and I secretly hoped that one day I would be recognized for my art; Just like my idols are for theirs.

I put my heart and soul into each and every piece, no matter how big or small, and I always get an amazing response online if I share any of my art. But as amazing as this is, I only really crave that kind of attention from the two people I will never get it from: Tegan and Sara.

I know there is no chance. Dreams, in my eyes, are not there with the intention of being achieved; they are they to edge you on, give you hope, but never to be fulfilled. Not in my life. I am not that lucky. They never have been and I'm sure they never will be. Not for a person like me. What would make me so special? But if you don't even try, you will never know.

This was what I want to do, this is what I love to do and dammit, this was what I am going to do.  
"I can't believe we are here! " I squealed. Looking at my girlfriend with excitement rushing through my veins.  
"I know right?! It happened again, we must be crazy!" she replied. _Crazy in love, yeah..._

I can't begin to explain how much I love travelling around with my friends on these tours, we always have an amazing time, the four of us together, we are an unstoppable touring machine going from show to show, hotel to hotel, travelling however we can to get to the next place on time to enjoy another show. I love this life.

I was so excited that we had a few meet and greet tickets for this tour, because I could hand over some of my art in person and hopefully get to know Tegan and Sara on more of a personal level. Despite the amount of shows we have been to over the years, I have never had the chance to meet them before. And as confident as I am about my art and everything I create, I still feel nervous, I still feel it isn't good enough, that they won't like it, that they won't like me.... _Please like me..._

"So, what are you going to say about your art if they look at it with you?" my girlfriend said suddenly snapping me out of my daze.

"I'm going to tell them you did it, so I don't fangirl too hard or embarrass myself by going bright red" I joked back, winking at her.  
"Fine, but if they love it and offer me a job, imma take it!" she countered. _Touché, baby, touché..._

Waiting in the queue was more nerve-wracking than I thought, but talking to fellow travelling fans we had made over the years, was a blessing. I had missed them all, all the stories, all the banter, all the teasing, all the inside jokes. It was like our own family, where we all felt comfortable around each other, looked out for one another and shared memories that would last the rest of our lives.

Wherever our lives end up going, we will all have these times and these memories to look back on and be happy that we did this, we were apart of something so special. Before we knew it, it was time to head into the venue. This. Was. It. _Don't forget to breathe..._

 

**TEGAN POV:**

Here we go. Back on tour and back on the road.  
Our first meet and greet of the tour and I always get a little bit nervous, I don't know why, as our fans are always so awesome to us.But that's why I'm so glad I have Sara by my side, she always takes the lead if I start to feel nervous.

I can see the fans all lined up. Some I can see have gifts for us, some are standing there all smiles, some fidgeting and speaking quietly to each other, and there's always one giving flirty looks!

I scan down the line waving and smiling at everyone as we walk into our positions in front of the backdrop, and I can see a familiar group of fans. I recognize them from previous shows and tours, always singing their hearts out and dancing in the crowd, with so much enthusiasm that it warms my heart. I always look for them in the crowd. It's nice to know they are here again, that they still love us despite our change of direction with Heartthrob. If it weren't for the fans, there would be no Tegan and Sara. I can't recall having met them before, so its nice we can finally thank them for their continued support, its something I always think about. Another great thing about doing what we do is that we get to stand in front of all these beautiful women on a daily basis. And that's never a bad thing.

"Hey guys! How are you?" I say with a huge grin on my face, holding out my hand. I still find it humbling that people can get so nervous around us like we are some huge rock stars, when really we are just like them. Before we were in our own band, we queued for hours for shows, sang our hearts out like it was the last show we'd ever see, spent what little money we had on tapes, CDs and magazines, always hoping to turn the page and see an advert showing that your favorite band are playing in town, or a town nearby. I understand what our fans are feeling because that was us. That was Sara and I. We may not have the time to do that ourselves now, but if we weren't in a band, that's what we would be doing.

"It's great to see you guys again, and to finally meet you!" Sara spoke with sincerity. She's such a sweetie to our fans; it makes me so proud to be her sister. They a had a few questions for us about our setlist, so we answered those the best we could, trying not to give too much away, before we all took some photos together. As we started to say our goodbyes, one of the hotties walked back over to Sara and I and held out a hard-backed envelope.

"I know you get a lot of art from fans, but I thought I'd bring you some that I have done over the years, and erm, yeah I just hope you like them", she said in the cutest voice I had ever heard.

"Oh that's awesome, thank you so much, I look forward to looking at it backstage", Sara spoke softly.  
"Yeah, thank you, I can't wait to see it!" I said as I looked into her eyes, She was so nervous it was adorable. I found myself really intrigued about her and the envelope she gave to us.

There was just something about her...


	2. Chapter 2

As we walked out of the venue and away from Tegan and Sara, I couldn't tame the biggest grin that had ever graced my face. I felt on top of the world. They had my artwork. They had it in their hands! After years of wondering if they ever saw anything I posted online, I now knew for sure they would see my art, my gift to them, my thanks, my gratitude that because of them, I have something in my life that fuels the fire in my belly, keeps the blood flowing through my veins and my heart beating. At this point I don't even care if they like it enough to keep it. They are going to open the envelope and see it!

"Omg, how amazing was that?!" my girlfriend screamed.  
"Yeah they totally recognized us all, who knew that they would, I mean we go to a lot of shows but they must see so many fans and faces every night, but they remembered us, like omg, I need to breathe..."  
"Did you see Sara's smile when I told her that I have read all the books she has ever recommended? She was..."

I zoned out, their conversation faded to a low murmur as I stood there in a complete daze while my friends carried on discussing what just happened. In that moment, I realized something. I realized how different I had become, from my friends. Yes we all loved Tegan and Sara, we all fangirled over them, we essentially followed them around the world to watch them perform, but I don't know, I just feel.... different. _What is this feeling?_

Like something inside of me has changed. My heart was beating insanely fast, and I felt a sort of 'excited-nervous' feeling. My mind flashed back to Tegans smile when I handed over the envelope, to Sara's' subtle lisp peeking out under her tongue when she spoke to thank me. They sound so genuinely touched and appreciative that I just hope they feel exactly that, when they look at it.

I'm not delusional, I know that nothing would become of it; they get gifts on the daily from fans all over the world. Fans that is way more talented and clever and unique with their ideas. But there is still that small part inside of me that says 'you never know'. _What if..._

And it's not like I put myself out there expecting something back and being disappointed when nothing becomes of it. I do it because I enjoy it. I do it because I love it. I guess deep down I am just searching for that approval from somebody, _anybody_ , the approval that I have longed for my whole life.

Before I get too deep into thoughts of the past, I am bought back into the conversation, "So how did it feel to finally hand over your work?! And you only went slightly red in the face too..." and they all laughed hysterically, mocking me and pinching my cheeks. _Oh God, I didn't, did I?_

**SARA POV:**

I know that look. I know that look oh so well. I have seen it many times before. That's the 'oh you have my attention' look that almost always ends in Tegan head over heels falling in love.   
"She has a girlfriend you know," I say quietly to her as we are walking to the backstage area.

"I don't know what you are talking about," she countered.   
"You mean _who_ I am talking about, and you know damn well, Tee. I saw you follow her as she walked out the room."   
I look at her and she just laughs with that cocky look she is famous for onstage, "well what kind of lesbian would I be if I didn't appreciate the very attractive fans that come to see us every now and then?"

I roll my eyes and laugh, "they were very good looking, I'll admit, and they were super sweet. They really enjoy coming to see us; it was nice to finally meet them after seeing them in the crowd over the years. But just know I saw that look in your eyes, Tee". She rolled her eyes at me. She forgets that I know her better than she knows herself. As we reached our backstage 'home' for the evening, we began our routine to prepare for the show, deciding to get dressed first so we could then relax and being to look at all the letters and gifts we received earlier today.

**TEGAN POV:**

I don't even know what Sara was talking about. I don't have a look... _Do I?_  
She is quick to judge me when I look at women, but she is the worst of us both. And she's the one with a girlfriend! _Uhh, I do miss having a girlfriend..._

Waiting backstage is kind of like what I imagine limbo would be. It's pointless waiting. Hanging around, waiting for the time to come so you can hit that stage and do your thing. This is one of the reasons we decided to change the VIP meet and greet times, it means we can spend a little more time with our fans, and less time, waiting for the show to start. One thing I do enjoy about this time however, is sitting and reading the fan mail we received earlier that day. I read a couple of letters addressed to both of us, smiling at the kind words, handing them over to Sara when I'm done, seeing her smile as she reads them with full attention.

I look over to the table and the hard-backed envelope catches my eye again from the bottom of the pile. I take it in my hands and carefully open it. I take out the contents to find a homemade book with pages of drawings and artwork from The Con, Sainthood and Heartthrob eras, all bound together by brown string. Its so pristine, so carefully put together, you can tell it has been made with nothing but love. Every day I am humbled by every single piece of fan mail, fan art and gifts that flood our way. I wish I could thank each and every person that takes the time to do this for us, but its impossible. So we put everything we can into our tours and every performance on stage, to make them special for our fans.

I started to slowly open the book and study each piece, it was different from everything else I had seen before, I was lost in thought and admiration for a particular piece when I heard a soft "wow...." that bought me back into the room.   
"These are amazing!" Sara spoke in a soft tone. She sat down next to me and we looked through the book from cover to cover. There were only about 10 pages overall, some pages containing a few different pieces, each one in itself completely unique, yet the style was consistent. Her vision was clear to see in each one.   
"It blows my mind how talented our fans are, and also that they would spend their own time creating such amazing heart-felt things for us." Sara nodded in agreement, "we are so lucky to have fans like these, so, let's go out there and show them how much they mean to us and put on one hell of a show for them".

So that's what we did. I walked over to the door, ready to hit the stage. _This one is for you..._

************

As the intro music blasted out of the speakers, the crowd around us went wild. There was no feeling quite like this. The 1st show of many to come, after a long time away from this, itfelt like home again. We cheered from the top of our lungs, clapping until our hands started to sting until we saw two small shadows grace the room with their presence. SHOW TIME.

We all put our arms around each other as Sara's lips brushed the mic in front of her, " _Goodbye...I don't wanna..._ "

As we all dance and sang along to every word, I kept switching my gaze over to Tegan, then Sara, back and forth watching them as they sang every lyric with the passion I felt inside. I don't know whether it was because it had been a long time since the last show, or that they were just on fucking fire tonight, but I could not stop smiling, I felt like I was standing on top of the world and it was a reminder that I want to do this for the rest of my life. It got to the point in the set where they introduced the band and spoke to the crowd, which I always looked forward to, especially as it gave me a chance to rest my voice, it now being on the brink of broken! I will struggle to speak after the show for sure!

Sara took to the mic, "before we carry on with the rest of our set, we just wanted to take moment to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight, whether you have only just started listening to us, or if you have been with us since we had those god-awful haircuts and released our very 1st record back in the late 90s', we appreciate you all so much, because if it wasn't for you guys, we wouldn't be able to do what we love, as a career. You are the people that push us to keep going, you give us so much from all your letters, your stories, gifts and art..." As I hear the word 'art' come out of Sara's mouth, I had this strange rush wash over me, and as I turned to look at Tegan, I saw her looking over in my direction, and...right...at...me? I caught her eye and she looked down at her guitar, playing with the strings before looking over to Sara and then handing her guitar over to a tech in preparation for the next song. She wasn't looking at _me_ was she?

Don't be silly; she was just looking out into the crowd in my direction.  
"...And most of all your support for our art, so thank you and this next song is for all of you".

Tegan took to the mic, " _All I wanna get iiiiis..._ "   
The room erupted as Tegan looked into the crowd with her cheeky flirtatious smile and motioned for the crowd to come closer to the stage. She is perfect. How can one person be so...perfect? I can't wait to meet them again so I can tell them just how amazing this show has been tonight.

For a split second Sara saw us in the crowd and smiled to us. These little moments are so precious, and so rare that I have to pinch myself to remind me if I am still alive. I look back over to Tegan, wondering if I will be so lucky as to catch her eye again, as my mind wonders if she will, she looks in our direction once again so I give her a small, subtle wink. To my astonishment she smiles back before looking to the floor a little flustered, but still smiling.

Well fuck... what was _that_ about?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> It does get much better, I promise you ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**TEGAN POV:**

_Did she just...did she just wink at me?_

Before I could think how I should react, my body did it for me. My head shot downwards, eyes focused on the toes of my doc martens, but not before an uncontrollable smile formed on my lips and continued to stay there for what felt like an eternity. I wasn't blushing. No way, I don't blush. I am always the one to make women blush. It was only a subtle wink. It wasn't a cocky wink like I usually get... It was....

_God, what is happening to me?_

Why am I feeling like this?! I get winked at all the time on stage, from so many women, many of which then shout inappropriate things in between songs. I love it because I enjoy the playful back and forth banter. The crowd always seems to go wild for that, so I like to have a laugh with it. So why am I losing my mind over a shy little wink? Before I have any more time to think about it, I grab the mic and walk around the stage, making use of the wireless set up we now have. _Focus, Tegan, focus._

I mentally shake my head and continue with the show. I feel so buzzed right now! I don't know if its the crowd tonight, how the band is playing and feeding off the energy in the room, the fact its our 1st headline show in a while or what, but I am having an absolute blast up here.

_Maybe it's her..._

I look back over in her direction and she's singing, dancing and looking over in Sara's direction with admiration glazing over her eyes. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside seeing people who honestly love what we do and support us day in day out, night after night, album after album, and tour after tour. As I study the crowd from left to right, I can see the love everywhere and there is nowhere I would rather be than here, right now. I could do this forever...

The rest of the set went by in a flash and before I knew it, we were looking out the crowd, smiling and waving and thanking them for an amazing night. I wish we could perform another 3 or 4 songs, but the venue had a curfew and we had to be on our way to the next city ready for the next show tomorrow.

As we walked off stage and into the backstage dressing room, I put my arm round Sara's shoulders, "wow, what an amazing show tonight!" she smiled, "yes, it really was! And you almost got through a whole set without fucking up Tee...almost!" she joked.  
"Well, what can I say Sar, I was so into it tonight, I just lost myself at times, it -"  
"Hahaha! Distracted more like! I saw you blush during that speech, so, who was it this time?" Sara cut me off. Before I could answer Stacy enters the room, taking Sara in her arms, "Amazing show tonight baby! You guys were on fire" _Thank god..._

"Thanks Stace! Anyway I'm going to get a shower, and head to the bus", I hurriedly answered before walking out the room, leaving behind me the sweet exchanges of kisses. _I wish I could have that..._

************

Did she really... _blush_?  
No, don't be so silly. As if I could make Tegan Quin blush! That's just ridiculous.

The hundreds of attractive women in that crowd tonight, and every night for that matter, the amount of women she meets and sees, she wouldn't blush from a shy little wink from me. I'm not her type. Of course I don't know what her type is, but going on what I imagine it would be, it's not me. I don't have that sexy & confident 'girly' manner. I'm just...me. Plain old me. She could have anyone at the click of her fingers, so a normal, everyday person like me, especially because I am a fan, that just eliminates all possibilities. Period. It doesn't mean I can't dream it though. The mind is a wonderful thing in that respect. Nothing can take away my imagination, however wild or impossible these thoughts are to actual reality, as I lay here in our hotel room trying to sleep after an unforgettable day, I revel in the fact that she looked at me. _She looked at me..._

My girlfriend is fast asleep by my side & I do feel a pang of guilt rip through me, for the overwhelming feelings I have for another woman. A woman I honestly don't even really know, but it sounds crazy, but I love her. Do I love her? How do you know? Everything I do know about her is nothing short of perfection. But as much as I may feel guilty, should I really? It's not like anything can become of these feelings, I'm not going behind my girlfriends back. I'll just push it aside and call it a crush. That's not harming anyone is it? It's not 'cheating'.

I often lay awake at night and think about the 'what ifs'. My mind takes me deeper and deeper as the night sky continues to get darker and darker and I question life and why things are the way they are. Why must we always just be content with what we have? Why is it that the things we truly want & desire, are always those that we can never reach? Most of the time, its not even something we can control, so even if we are dedicated in our heads to be like 'that's it I'm going to do whatever I can do get what I want', love is not something you can do that with.

Like, why can't I be with the person I feel I should be? Why is that one of those, 'oh well it will never happen to me' situations, when some people get exactly what they want? The night is slowly becoming morning, so I push the thoughts aside and concentrate on the fact she smiled at me. She might have seen my art by now and I get to meet them all over again tomorrow. Now I just have to think about what to say and how I'm going to try and act cool this time.

_Yeah, good luck with that..._

I slowly started to doze off to thoughts of everything that happened earlier today.

As I drove us to the parking lot near to today's venue, my friends were already planning on what 'funny photo' to have with Tegan and Sara.

"Why don't we all lean on the person to our left, and kick our legs out, like doing the cancan dance!"  
"No that's too complicated, let's just do a stern pose!"  
"Or let's ask to pick them up in a handmade chair, so two of us pick up Tegan and the other two pick up Sara."  
"Hahaha, omg that hilarious, I love it, but I am in no way asking them to do that!"  
"Ok let's just do some selfies! A classic. Sara loves a good selfie."

We all decided, well we actually couldn't decide on an idea, so we thought we'd leave it to see how the conversation went and see what feels right at the time.

I was nervous again. In fact I was more nervous than last time. Part of me wanted to know if they had looked at my gift, but at the same time, I didn't want to know in case they didn't really think much of it. Deep down I secretly hoped that they would maybe bring it up themselves, and then I could be happy knowing they have seen it. I pondered whether to ask them, but decided against it, I don't want to come across like I was desperate for their attention. Hah! The irony in that thought... _If only they knew..._

And here we are again, in the queue for the meet and greet. What is my life right now? People behind us start to clap and 'woo', so we all turned around to see both Tegan and Sara walk out following their manager. They smiled as they walked past the line, making sure they looked at each and every fan waiting, they got to our part of the queue and when my eyes met Tegan's, my heart skipped a whole beat. Her eyes softened ever so slightly when she looked at me, slightly closing but not shutting, almost like a subtle double wink, the creases at the side of her mouth deepened and I swear time stood still as we were locked in gaze. It couldn't have been any longer than a single second, but it felt like a lifetime, like the room around me faded into a blur and all could see was her in front of me. I had to remind my lungs to take a breath, as my palms went clammy and I tried to calm myself down before it was our turn to walk on over to them...

_Oh god, was I in trouble..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	4. Chapter 4

**TEGAN POV:**

I spent most of that night thinking about that show. I couldn't figure out what happened to me and why I felt like I did. I can't describe the feelings that washed over me, but I felt unstoppable. I felt like a newfound belief had been uncovered. It felt like there was someone breathing new life into me. If I am honest, it has been a while since I've felt this way. The last time was when I was falling head over heels in love. I felt invincible, like all I needed was the love of this woman to be the blood that would pump through my veins, keeping my heart beating. So why was I feeling like this now? I wasn't in love with anyone. As much as I would like nothing more for that to be the case, it wasn't. There wasn't anyone in my life to fill that void. There hasn't been for a long time.

This sudden overpowering belief in myself, that I was worth something and I was someone to be proud of...it's like seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. Ever since I looked at that book... Seeing what she sees, how she sees the world, how she interprets our music, how she sees us, how she sees... _me_.

It was beautiful. But was that it? Was that the reason? God, I don't know. I can't have feelings this strong about someone I don't even know. And was it even her I was referring to? I think of her face, thinking back to earlier, seeing it light up watching us from the crowd. She was attractive, very attractive in fact, as I remember her face, and her body... _Come on now, I don't even know her..._

I'm a romantic. It's as much about them as a person, than it is about how beautiful they are. I like to believe there is someone out there for everyone, but how do you know who that is? I thought I had met mine, it turns out I was wrong. Do I believe in fate? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be? I'm not so sure, because you can't control that, you can't control the time or places you might or might not meet someone, or the emotions you feel when you do. Who says that you couldn't miss an interaction with that perfect someone by just a few seconds & then what, that's it? I'm not sure how I feel about that, all I know is that I felt something tonight, there was a spark, and I need to find out what that came from. _Or who it came from..._

I reached over the edge of the bed and felt for the book. My fingertips grazed the smooth surface and I pull it onto my lap. I used the light from my phone to look through it once again. It was so awesome. Definitely different from everything we usually receive. It was unique and it was refreshing, and it was like something we would use ourselves in promoting singles, albums, or merchandise. There was potential here and what I love so much about it is you can clearly see the love that has been put into it. I'd love to know more about it, where the ideas came from and talk about the influence and meaning behind them. Maybe she'll have another meet and greet on this tour. I know that many fans like to get meet and greets whenever they can, so maybe she'll have another so hopefully I can ask her...

I start to chuckle to myself out loud. This is ridiculous, I'm Tegan Quin, I don't get this way about anyone! I should be the one making her blush.

_I bet she's cute when she blushes..._

If she makes me blush, I'll make her blush back, twice as hard. I'm single so why not? There's no harm in that, right? Whether she is single or not, I can get away with a little flirt with the fans every now and again. They love it! I love to flirt when I get the chance. I am going to put on the charm the next time I see her, and see how she likes it! Oh yes, Tegan motherfuckin' Quin is back...

_Girl, you are in trouble._

I don't know how long I lay awake thinking about things last night but I was woken up to the sound of Sara shouting, "Tee, what the fuck? We have to be ready for the meet and greets in an hour, move your ass!" Shit was that the time already? What time did I finally fall asleep? I grab everything I need and head to the shower area. As I put the final touches to my hair, I wondered if she'd be there again today... I looked into the mirror & chuckled to myself.

_You can't help yourself can you...?_

Our manager walked us through the backstage area and led us to the door of the room we would be holding the meet and greet in. "Ok, here we are. Are you ready? Follow me" The door opened and we got the first glance of the line of fans all excitedly waiting for our arrival. Cheering erupted in the quiet room echoing around the walls. I felt the vibrations in my chest as I glanced down the line and saw a familiar face. _She's here..._

Walking past the line we greeted each group of fans with a wave and a smile. As we walked level with the familiar group once again, I couldn't help but give a half wink to the girl who had driven me crazy yesterday as a smile stretched over my face. As her eyes met mine, we were locked in a gaze and I swear I could see into her mind for just a second. It was a beautiful place from first glance. I was half expecting her to blush and look down to the floor, like I had embarrassingly done last night, but no, she just smiled sweetly back, looking surprisingly calm & collected. Dammit, I'm going to have to work a little harder at this! _This is going to be fun..._

As always our fans are super friendly. I love meeting them all. I wish we had time to meet more of them, but it is just not possible given our tight tour schedules. Sara was in a particularly happy and talkative mood today. She's often like this whenever she has chance to spend some long-awaited time with Stacy on the road. I was the same when I was in a relationship. The little moments would keep you going through a long and tiring tour, no matter how small or brief they were. I always found meeting fans much more enjoyable when we are both at our most relaxed and happiest, bouncing off each other and making our fans feel as special as they are to us.

Luckily, Sara hadn't mentioned anything else about last night, so I had no reason to feel like she was silently judging me as a familiar group finally walked over to us.

"Hey guys, how's it going today?" Sara asked them politely while we all shook hands again. We spoke about the show last night, each one of them contributing their own love for particular songs and moments in the set. I thought now was as good a time as any to see if I could use my charm on her. I slowly reached over to her mid-section where her lanyard was hanging from her neck and curled my fingers around it, tugging at it ever so slightly closer to me, causing her to lean forward a little. Looking into her eyes, as I started to sign it, I could tell she was holding her breath as the back of my hand rest on her stomach, and one side of my mouth curled into a smile, "we looked at your book yesterday and it was awesome, thank you so much for showing us your work".

She looked at me stunned, "really? I'm so glad you liked it, I wasn't sure what you would think-"  
"Yeah, it's really special, you definitely have a talent", I cut her off with a wink.  
"Just one of many", she said quietly but confidently as she studied my eyes and laughed. _Holy shit..._

Our moment was interrupted by the suggestion of creating a group selfie photo, which was probably a good thing. I don't think I could have responded to that in an appropriate way, and seeing as there are people all around us, it would not have gone unnoticed. She stood next to me and put her arm around my back holding my waist. I felt an urge to put my hand on her shoulder, so I did. Lightly touching her neck but with enough pressure that I could feel her pulse working overtime...

After the photos, Sara grabbed her attention and also thanked her for her artwork, asking her a few questions about it while 2 of her friends talked to me about my now missing labret piercing. All I could focus on was the conversation I wish I were having with her and Sara, while speaking to these other girls. I know that's sounds bad, but when something or someone has my attention, it's hard to shake it off. I glanced over a number of times and Sara caught me every time and gave me _that_ look...

_Oh shit, I'm in for it now..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	5. Chapter 5

As we walked away from Tegan and Sara, I could feel eyes burning into the back of my head, but I couldn't bring myself to turn and look. If I turned around and she was watching me walk away, I wouldn't know how my brain would process that, probably creating all kinds of ridiculous scenarios to run through my mind. Sometimes hopes and dreams can be a good thing, a blessing, but when you are buried this deep into feelings you cannot control, sometimes a little glimmer of hope that you secretly wish for, can actually be your undoing. I am not sure I am ready for that.

On the other hand, if the feeling I had was wrong and I turned around to find she wasn't watching me walk away, then it would only confirm what I wasn't ready to find out yet; that it really _is_ all in my head. I don't want to know that. I am enjoying this way too much to have the cold harsh truth extinguish the flames within my heart. We all need a little hope to keep us going, right? No matter how ridiculous it may seem. What I don't know won't hurt me, right? _But is she looking at me...?_

Thinking over what had just happened, did I _really_ say that to her? Did I really say "just one of many?" _Oh god..._  
Luckily, no one else heard me. I think I would have died twice over if my girlfriend had heard me. It was bad enough as soon as my mouth had opened and those words recklessly forced their way out that I couldn't erase them from the air before Tegan heard them, but if there had been any witnesses? I would not have lived that down for a _long_ time.

What had come over me? I wasn't usually this forward, or confident, especially in front of people I felt so nervous around.

I have a habit of over-analyzing a lot of things. Well, everything, to be honest. It's one of the things I hate about myself. It's frustrating because my brain never rests. On the other hand though, at least I feel alive because of it. Did she _really_ wink at me while we were in line? Did I _really_ have Tegans hand on my neck? I hope to God she didn't feel how fast my heart was beating in that moment, she must have done. It felt like my pulse was working overtime.

It was almost as if she was doing it on purpose, which you know, I get it. Being in her position, knowing how most fans react around her, of course she can just give little touches here and there to make us all squirm for her enjoyment. I could laugh about it, but I could almost as easily cry about it, because my heart just wants it to be genuine, as dumb as that sounds. All this time, she's been playing me, no doubt having a laugh with Sara about it backstage. I chuckle to myself... _the little shit._

On a positive note, I had not faltered...yet. I think I have given her as good as I have got. It's like a game. A fucked up game of back and forth flirting, despite me being in a relationship and her being in a position she could easily take advantage, but can't because I am _just_ a fan, and imagine how that would look? Not only to the other fans, but to the people she works with, her family, her sister...

I am sure it's just harmless fun for her, but dammit I will not let her get the better of me! If she's going to play this game, I am too. Why not have some fun while I can right? Not everyone can say they've flirted with Tegan Rain Quin can they? Or more to the point, had Tegan flirt with _you_. Whether people know about it or not, _I_ know its happened, well actually _it is_ happening, present tense, not past. Hey maybe I can charm her enough to let me create some artwork for the band? _Haha, ok so now you're definitely dreamin'..._

Despite having VIP tickets, which meant we are allowed entry into the venue before everyone else, we all stayed outside the venue to queue up. It was a hot day; the area we were waiting in was sheltered so we figured we'd stay where we had some cover. We didn't want to go walking around too much. We took it in turns to run to the 7 eleven down the street for food and supplies. Tonight, we decided we would have a few drinks. Tomorrow was a day off. There was no show, so we didn't have to get up early to hit the road. So that meant, some much needed drinking time! I'm not sure if it was because we were all over-excited and on a high from the past couple of days, or the extreme heat around us but before we knew it we were all beyond being saved. I didn't plan on getting like this, not just yet, but what the hell, we were on tour. So why not, eh?

The whole line, VIP and hardcore line dwellers all came together as one for those few hours. We belted out Tegan and Sara songs, that we knew weren't in the setlist. Some girl suggested we did it just in case Tegan and Sara heard, us, then they would see what the fans wanted to be included in the set lists. It was an awesome idea and we compiled a list, of everyone's favorites and entertained passers-by and ourselves for the last hour before doors opened.

Management came out to greet all of the VIP ticket holders and we were finally allowed into the building. My friends and girlfriend decided they wanted to stand more on Tegan's side tonight, so they frantically ran once inside, to save our spots on the barrier, just about making it there, without falling over. Yes, we were all _that_ drunk! The room slowly started to fill and a group of fans behind us had managed to sneak some vodka into the venue. We got talking to them and ended up all sharing their supply of alcohol, alongside stories of being on tour. We found out they were also going to a couple of other shows during the tour, which was cool, it meant we could all meet up later down the line. I swear this fandom is the best.

The intro music started up and that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach radiated through me. As those two beautiful ladies hit the stage, the room went crazy and I just knew that one way or another, this was going to be an interesting night.

The setlist stayed the same, but the banter was on another level tonight. It seemed that once the group of girls behind us had allowed the alcohol to take effect on their bodies, it also took effect on their brains, and definitely not in a good way. In between songs, one of them continuously shouted crude things directed at Tegan, who was stood right in front of us. It was easy to see that it made Sara uncomfortable, and even though Tegan didn't react to it, you could tell that is was also putting her off.

"Let me buy you a drink Teeeeeegunnnnnn" she shouted as Sara was deep into telling the crowd a story from their past.  
"Ma'am, I am trying to tell you all a story that honestly doesn't have anything to do with the next song we are about to play, but I thought that you would all like to hear it nonetheless," cheers erupted around the room, "-but you are interrupting my award-winning story-telling by shouting at my sister. Tegan, would you like this lady to buy you a drink?"

Tegan looked at Sara and laughed, she turned to the fan, who was standing behind me just slightly to my left, "how old are you?" she said with a playful tone.   
"I'm niiiiiiineteeeeeeeeen,"she slurred, all her friends edging her on. Sara was quick to react, "Ma'am, are you really nineteen? If so -"   
Tegan looked at the girl and interrupted Sara, "aww, well that's a shame, because you seem like such a... _lovely..._ girl to go out for a drink with-," laughter erupted around the room, "but If I'm going to go out on a date with someone," her eyes shifted slightly to the right, barely noticeable to anyone else, but enough for me to see that she was looking right into my eyes, "she has to be old enough so I can buy _her_ a drink..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	6. Chapter 6

**TEGAN POV:**

Well this meet and greet was interesting...  
I watched as she walked away to the other side of the room, wondering if she was going to turn around... _Turn around, turn around..._

And of course Sara saw me. Shit, I won't be able to live this one down, that's for sure. I'd better figure out what I'm going to say to her if she decides to grill me on it later on. Being a twin, usually means I can't get away with _anything_...

As I expected, as soon as we were by ourselves Sara came and sat next to me backstage.   
"So," she began, "What's going on with you, Tee?" with questioning eyes. What could I even say? I didn't even know myself.

"Y'know, just enjoying being on tour, it feels so good to be back on the road again", I replied.   
"It does, it feels great, but it's not just that, I've noticed a change in you, and I'm not saying its a bad thing, I haven't seen you this motivated and content in a long time, but I worry..."  
"Why are you worried? What are you worried about? I'm having a blast! I'm enjoying being on stage again, meeting the fans-"  
"Exactly! It seems you enjoy meeting a certain fan in particular," she looked at me with a glimmer in her eye. I couldn't help but smile at the thought, "see! This is what I'm talking about! You're crushing on her!"  
"I am...not. Don't be ridiculous! I'm just thinking about how much fun it is to see her squirm, which may I add, is proving a little more difficult than I anticipated it to be. And thanks by the way, you stole her away from me, I really wanted to know more about her art but I never got chance-"  
"You didn't get chance because you were too busy flirting with her," Sara laughed.

"Ok, ok, you got me, is it such a bad thing?" I already knew the answer to that one.  
"Well, yes it could be. Just be careful, Tee. I want to trust you, but I know how you get when you fall for someone..."  
"Woah calm down there, Sar! There's nothing going on! It's been a little harmless fun for the past couple of days. And yeah ok I'll admit that there is something about her I really like, but I don't even know her yet-"  
"Yet? See? See this is what I'm talking about Tee-" Sara interrupted me once again.  
"No Sara you don't. My intentions are not solely for my own benefit, they are for both of ours...actually" I said calmly.  
"What do you mean?" Sara studied my face, looking for any signs that I was trying to bullshit her.  
"Her art, that book that she gave to us? I think it's _amazing_ , and I think we could definitely use somebody like her for some fresh ideas & artistic input going forward." I waited for Sara's response, hoping she would feel the same way.

Sara looked at me nodding, "Well, it is unique, and definitely different to what we have used in the past. I guess there's no harm in seeing if it's something we could possibly use in the future-" She was warming to the idea, this was my chance to convince her...

"Exactly sis. I know everything that we do right now works well for us, our fans love everything we put out there, but who's to say getting someone who has invested time and money in us as a band, and being a long-term fan couldn't contribute something that speaks to other fans on a much more understanding level? As a fan herself, she will know what other fans want, what they like and what would work..."  
"Well Tee, it sounds like a good idea to me and sounds like you have really thought about it. If it's something you believe in, then I don't see why we can't give her a shot. As long as you are being sincere about your intentions, I definitely think it's worth a go."  
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm not about to go all puppy dog eyed and fall head over heels like you so clearly think I will. I do have some self-control! Like I said, we'll keep this business related. And hey if it doesn't work, then we will have at least given one of our true fans an experience and opportunity they will never forget; to work with us and contribute to some ideas, right?"

"Well I can't see why not. It's win-win from our point of view. I really do like her ideas, so it would be exciting to have someone new on board to offer us something different. We will have to sit down and talk to her, and make sure she wants to do this and if she does there will have to be some guidelines in place, so we can manage it professionally. Did she leave any contact details with the book?"  
"I think she did, yes, but I'd like to wait and see if we get chance to speak with her face to face. We can swap details a little more safely that way rather than just sending an email out of the blue"  
"Ok that sounds fine to me, if we don't see her by the end of this tour, we will let management deal with the initial contact. If we do, don't use your personal email. I know I don't have to tell you this, but I'm your sister, that's what I'm here for. She seems cool, but at the end of the day she is still a fan, and we don't want things to get spread around the internet...again"  
"Yes, I'll be careful, if you are happy with me taking control of it all to start with?" I said a little too happily, "Of course Tee, just, be careful, ok? Remember how well I know you" and she gave me that look again.   
"Sara please, she's just a fan, I'm not looking for anything else," I said almost believing every word myself. I must have been convincing enough, gaining a nod from Sara. She walked out the room to go and get ready for the show.

_God, who was I even trying to convince now?_   
_Sara? Or myself...?_   
  


The rest of the day went by smoothly. I couldn't wait to get back on that stage and look out to all of our adoring fans. The music started as we huddled together, sharing a group hug before the guys led the way to the stage. The crowd was a rowdy one tonight. Sometimes this is exactly what we thrive off, but tonight I have to admit it was a little much. A small group of fans had clearly had way too much to drink & continued to heckle at me throughout the show. I tried not to fuel it, so I didn't look in their direction.

I felt bad because I like to glance around at the fans in front of me every now and again; I know how much it means to them to have that kind of interaction at a show. It was during one of Sara's hilarious stories that she likes to bring out, usually to embarrass me somehow, one of the girls shouted out that she wanted to buy me a drink. By this point I could tell that her inappropriate shouting was even irritating Sara on the other side of the stage. As Sara broke off from her story to kindly try and put this girl in her place, I looked forward to the area of fans in front of me and without meaning to, my eyes zoned in to _her_.

There she was, I had briefly wondered why I hadn't seen her tonight. Typically she was in front of the loud-mouthed fan.Man did I feel sorry for her having to deal with that. What could I do about it? An idea popped into my head...   
_Ok, so let's make this a little more interesting shall we?_  
"How old are you?" I asked the girl, playfully. "I'm niiiiiiineteeeeeeeeen,"she shouted back.  
Sara started to respond with some sarcastic comment but I cut her off mid-sentence.

"Aww, well that's a shame, because you seem like such a... _lovely_... girl to go out for a drink with-" as laughter erupted around the room, I knew exactly where I was going with the next part of my sentence, "but If I'm going to go out on a date with someone", I changed my focus point from the drunk fan to the intriguing girl just in front of her, and looked deep into her eyes, her pupils dilated and enticing, "she has to be old enough so I can buy _her_ a drink..."

It took a second for her to register that I was speaking directly to her, as soon as it did the biggest grin spread across her face, looking slightly bashful before laughing out loud as the whole of the room cheered and laughed at my remark. _Wow, she has a great smile..._

Sara continued, "So now we have all that cleared up, can I finish my story? Would you like to hear the rest of the story?" she asks the crowd to which the room explodes.

The rest of the show was a breeze. The energy was fantastic, the heckler had calmed down and all the fans right in front of me were having their own dance party. Its seems they were _all_ drunk and everyone in that small section in front of me joined in with the dancing, singing, jumping. They looked like they were all having so much fun; I wished I could have joined them down there on the floor.

I hope that my subtle comment about dating, where I purposely caught her eye, was something she would be thinking about. I can tell she's the kind of person who can take it, and I know it won't be weird next time I see her. She's just as likely to retaliate with some comment or look and put me right back in my place.   
_Oh, I like that thought..._   
  


As the set came to a close, I looked out into the crowd again smiling at numerous fans waving towards me, and I looked over in her direction again. I couldn't help it; she was like a magnet pulling me towards her. I was drawn to her presence. Hoping to catch her eye again for one last time tonight, I saw the girl next to her say something into her ear, they both laughed and then she turned pushing her lips on to her in a drunken kiss. I felt a slight tug inside my chest and the breath caught in the back of my throat and as I quickly looked away, and back to my guitar to play the final few notes.

_So she does have a girlfriend..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	7. Chapter 7

What. The. Fuck. What just happened? Did that just happen?  
No, surely not! She _didn't_ just look me in the eyes during that date comment. She didn't...  
 _Did she?!_

All of these questions were on a loop, going around and around in my head. I want to turn to my girlfriend and ask her if that really did just fuckin' happen, but I don't think she saw anything. I don't think anyone did. Even if she had, she would have just laughed at me and told me I was ridiculous and daydreaming, or said something like "you wish! She was _actually_ looking at me" That's more likely to happen. But she wasn't, was she?

_Was she...?_

My mind is spinning, and for the first time tonight, it's not from the vast amount of alcohol I have consumed. If anything, that little episode has snapped me back into an almost sober state. What _was_ that?! Tegan looked right at me when she spoke. She looked so deep into my eyes; I swear she could read my thoughts. And if she had been able to read my thoughts at that exact time, I would never be able to look at her ever again...

My body is on fire and my heart is racing. So _now_ I need a drink...

In normal circumstances, on any other tour, any other run of shows we have attended over the years, I would just take as a freak coincidence, she just so happened to look at me when she was saying it, catching my eye, like she could have done with an endless number of fans that were around that area. But this tour has been _far_ from normal. Nothing on this tour so far can even compare to previous ones. Ever since that first meet and greet, that first show, there was something between us; surely tonight was now some kind of confirmation? It couldn't just keep happening _accidentally_...

She was doing this on purpose and as much as I was I loved it, my feelings felt conflicted. It's like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one side of me pushing in one direction, is denial. It's not really happening, it's all in my head. It's something I can only dream would happen. So my mind is taking these small innocent interactions and blowing them up in hope that it's real. On the other side of me, pushing in the opposite direction, that good old friend of mine: the ' _what if_ '? What if there is something there? What if this tension, this connection we keep having _is real_?

Hell if I know. But I will say one thing; I have never felt so _alive_. She is just so... she is just... She knows exactly how to drive women wild, and she damn well knows it. I feel stupid for acting like a lovesick teenager. Like those girls who sit in their bedrooms, posters all over their walls, crushing over someone they will never have, but still having that belief you only have when you are young and inexperienced with life. Not knowing how the world works, seeing it as a place full of opportunities paved out ready for you to achieve your dreams one way or another. A world where anything _is_ possible, so you hold on to those dreams that it _will_ happen one day. You _will_ be swept off your feet and carried into the sunset, leaving anything and anyone that wanted to stand in your way, behind in the darkness. _What if..._

****  
**TEGAN POV:**

Of course she has a girlfriend. Why wouldn't she?

Not that it really matters to me. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. And even if I were, I wouldn't date one of our fans. I _couldn't_ date a fan, could I? It's that familiar question 'would you ever date a fan?' we have been

asked interview after interview. Despite straight out saying 'no' in interviews, just to keep things easier, I have always kinda been open-minded about it, to be honest. Not that I'm going to openly be like, oh she's a fan, she's hot, I like her, let's date. But what I mean is just because someone _is_ a fan of what we do, shouldn't be a reason to cross them off the list. What if they were perfect for you? What if they were the one? The one you were meant to find on this earth, the one person that was created, for you.

I understand the reasons _why_ it's a 'bad' idea. There's always a possibility they _might_ be doing it just so they can say they have been with you, I get that. That is the sole reason we have to be careful. And maybe nine out of ten of people would be like that, but if that's the case, then there's still that one person, that wouldn't.

_I don't think she would..._

It's hard to judge whether someone's intentions are ever truly genuine, but that goes for ALL relationships: romantic or friendship. Whether you have fame or money or status behind you, there's always going to be people that want you because of that. _But not everyone..._

Doing what I do, and being in the business that I am, you come across so many people on a daily basis and interact with a lot of different personalities, who ultimately all want a little something from you.

Over the years I have taken note of peoples behaviors, and learnt how to be able to see through a person, and be able to judge their intentions to protect me from making mistakes. Knowing who to trust and who to believe is an art in itself, but an art that you can never truly master in. There's always going to be that someone, who fools you, someone that you just cannot read. You just have to be strong in your head and strong in your heart and trust _you_. Because when everyone and everything else is stripped away, all you have is _you_.

My gut instinct is telling me that _she_ isn't like that. She isn't in this, well whatever _this_ is, for anything other than the love she has for us as a band, and her passion for our music. If she has a love for me too, then that's something that might change things one day. It might. It might not. Regardless of that, it's comforting. It's comforting to see her passion for the music and not just for us. I know that she isn't going to go and tweet or blog or post about any of the moments we may or may not have had these past few days. I just know it. The only thing I _still_ don't know is why she is making me feel like this!

Why did my stomach drop when I saw her being kissed? Why does she frequent my thoughts so much? Why do I keep going back and forth on this? Why am I still questioning my actions? So many questions keep running through my head, and only I can answer them. Yet, I am incapable of doing so.

I don't know why I want to make her blush, I don't know why I want her attention on me, I don't know why I'm thinking about her so much...  
 _Is she thinking about me?_  
Most importantly, why do I care? _Get a grip Tegan!_  
Why am I questioning every little thing to do with her? _If you're crushing on her, just let yourself crush on her._

If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Nobody can control feelings. They just happen. They grow and they exist. You can try to push them away to the back of your mind but ultimately, they will still be there until something else or some other emotion takes its place. If thinking about her makes me happy, then why can't I do just that? I'm not harming anyone. I'm single for fucks sake. I think about women all the time, all the time, so this is no different.

The sooner I embrace it the easier it will be and the more I can enjoy it without feeling guilty all the goddam time. And if I get to talk to her more because she might do some work for us in the future then that's awesome.   
I can't remember the last time I got to know a fan on more of a personal level. And by that I don't mean relationship-wise, just in friendship. We don't often get the chance these days, since we have been playing bigger venues and had more popularity, security has been tighter and we can no longer just walk around and meet fans out and about. There are always positives _and_ negatives when you aim to become more popular within this industry. You just have to make the most of it all, whichever way you want to look at it.

It's been a few days since that show and it's all I have been thinking about. I'll find myself randomly thinking about her. She hasn't been at any of the meet and greets since, so I haven't been able to speak to her about our proposition. But I have tried to subtly catch her attention at the shows in the meantime. The odd little smile here and there. She's adorable because I honestly don't think she believes I am smiling at _her_ most of the time. Despite that, she _always_ smiles back, making my heart melt every time. How can she not believe that I would want to smile at her?

On occasion her group have stood further away on Sara's side, or a few rows back, I guess depending on how long the queue was that day. There are only a couple of shows left on this tour, before we all head home for a break and I really hope I get chance to talk to her before then. _I need to hear your voice again..._

It suddenly dawned on me that tomorrow was the last meet and greet of the tour...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	8. Chapter 8

Today is our the last meet and greet of the tour...

One last time meeting Tegan and Sara, for who knows _how_ long. Those few minutes were never enough. I could do it everyday for every tour and it probably still wouldn't be enough to tell them how much I love them and appreciate everything they do, and talk to them about everything I want to.

Had the tour almost come to an end already? Where had the time gone? As we pulled into the parking lot a few streets back from the venue, my girlfriend sighed out loud, " Our last meet and greet today, how is it nearly time to go home already?!" We all sat there in silence. It was just my girlfriend and I who had VIP tickets tonight. This meant our friends had to sit in the queue for hours. I felt bad for them because it was hot as fuck today, so we promised them we would get them drinks and food and save their place for a while if they needed a break. In the meantime we decided to go for a pre-show drink. I always found myself a lot more relaxed after a drink. It calmed my nerves and just took that edge off, so I could at least _attempt_ to be myself around them! Even though we have been to two already on this tour, it still didn't feel any less nerve-wracking. I wasn't even sure what I was going to say to them this time. I wanted to just sit down and have a drink with them, in a relaxed environment, and get to know them not just as a 'fan', but talk to them about music, what they listen to, what they like, what inspires _them_. And talk about just everyday things, like _friends_ do.

But we didn't have that, so with the little time we do get with them, it has to be made the most of. I guess I was more nervous this time because it was just my girlfriend and I. Our friends are _very_ talkative, infact you can never shut them up, so they are always good at starting a conversation in even the most nervy of situations. I would be lying if I wasn't totally thinking about all the little glances and moments Tegan and I have had during this tour though. As far as I can tell, no one else has noticed a thing, but _I_ had noticed and she sure as hell noticed when I reacted. I'm not even sure how it's going to go today, just being the four of us. There's no other conversation to hide behind. I'm sure she won't be the same as she has been; she won't do it right in front of my girlfriend. But then again she doesn't know she's my girlfriend... does she?

Either way, as long as I just keep my cool and keep thinking it will all be as normal as everyone else's I will be fine... _I'll be fine_...

Sitting in this bar with my girlfriend, I couldn't ask for a better person to join me as we travel the world following our favorite band, living in their shadows, and living life on the road as much as we can. I don't like normal, everyday life. Staying in one place makes me feel trapped. I like to move from one place to another, I guess that's because deep down I'm not happy with how my life is. The more places I visit and the more I move around, the more I don't _want_ to be stuck in that place. To have a job that involves being on the move would be perfect, especially if it is what you love to do.

That's why whenever a new tour is announced or more dates are added, I do whatever I can to go. I'm living out my dreams by following Tegan and Sara as they live out theirs. It's because of them that I enjoy life. If I didn't have this, I am not sure what I would do. And if I didn't have my girlfriend who loved it as much as I do, then I wouldn't be able to do it either. We finish our drinks and make our way back to the venue, in plenty of time, so we can let our friends cool off away from the queue for a while.

The heat outside was unbearable. The line for the show was the longest I had seen yet, despite the weather. We felt lucky we had managed to get hold of VIP tickets for this show more than any others. Luckily I didn't sweat much. There's no way I want to meet Tegan and Sara a big sweaty mess. Tegan got me hot enough already without needing the sun beating down on me! Once our friends had returned we had enough time to run and freshen up ourselves. It was hard choosing what to wear for our final time meeting the twins, because it was just so damn hot! I went for skin-tight denim jeans; because of course denim is _super_ cool to wear in this weather! I wore my black docs and kept it simple with an oversized black tank. I would normally wear a leather jacket on top but I didn't want to pass out in this heat, so decided to leave it at the hotel.

My girlfriend gripped my hand, squeezing it tightly as management came out to open the doors for us.

"Our last time for a while, let's make the most of it!" as she smiled my heart skipped a beat. I kissed her on the cheek as we walked through the doors and waited inside...

**TEGAN POV:**  
  
As I was putting the last finishing touches to my hair, Sara came up behind me, pulling me out of my thoughts and giving me a fright.

"Looking good Tee. So, who are _you_ trying to impress today?" she said with that knowing look.  
"Hey, can't I just make an extra effort, you know, just to look good for our last headlining show? Why does it have to be about anyone?" I said lightly shoving her away, trying to hide my grin. She leaned into my ear and whispered, "Because it _is_. I can see right through you remember", her warm breath tickled my ear. "So when you have finished being _super_ vain, trying make yourself irresistible to someone who would jump your bones if you so much as gave her the chance, come through so we can sort out the setlist for later on, I'd like to change it up a little if we can make it work", she said at normal volume again. My stomach flipped and a pale pink glow spread over my cheeks as she teased me with her words. "Sure, I'll be right out". As I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.

There's no harm in making sure I look my best, right? It's our last headline show for a while, and probably the last chance to see _her_ again, and for her to see _me_.

I walked through to Sara and sat down opposite her. We discussed our setlist and if we should throw in a couple of different songs, just to make this last show special. I put some suggestions forward as did Sara. I tried to channel all my thoughts over the past couple of weeks and think what song I could sing to really express how I felt. A song I could relate to once again and one that I know I would pour all of my emotions into, just like when I first wrote it and it was fresh. I had it. I knew exactly what I was going to sing...

Before we knew it, the time had come. We were led for the final time, to our adoring fans. I felt calm, I felt collected, and I felt great.

As the door widened, so did my smile. _She was here..._

********

_Here they come_. My heart skipped a beat. We were right at the back of the line today. Due to saving our friends places in line while they went away for a break, the VIP line was already forming. By the time we had made our way over, we were at the back. Not that it really mattered to me that much, at least we still got chance to meet them. An excited "Hey guys" with big happy smiles aimed in our direction, as they walked passed us to the front of the line. No wink this time, and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed about that.

As we got closer and closer to the front my nerves decided to make an appearance. Will I _ever_ get used to this? Probably not. Oh god oh god oh god, here we go again... _oh god._

"Hey guys! How are you today?" Sara spoke, all smiles, as I walked forward to shaking her hand first and smiling. My girlfriend started to reply to Sara as I moved forward taking Tegan's hand in my own. It felt so soft and warm, yet sent shivers down my spine, a rush of electricity sparking through my body. She looked into my eyes and flashed that breathtaking smile of hers.

"Hey, how are you?" she asked. "Hey, I'm really good thanks. A little hot actually!" I managed to squeeze out.   
"Yeah-" she started as she quickly scanned me up and down. _Holy shit is she checking me out right now?_

"It's _very_ hot, I think I made a mistake with this leather jacket!" She laughed.

"So, it's nice to see you guys again before the end of the tour! We wanted to thank you for coming and seeing us at so many shows, we really appreciate your loyalty over the years," Sara spoke with her cute little lisp dominating her words. As the conversation flowed, it felt really relaxed between us all, which was nice. Well, apart from every time Tegan glanced over at me and I died inside a little. As our conversation came to an end, we got into our positions for our photos. We had the group one first, standing between my girlfriend and Tegan. _How fitting..._

I put my arms around both Tegan and Sara and pulled them in to me, squeezing them tight, causing them both to laugh. I feel so unbelievably happy that I am standing in between my two favorite people. I turned to them, about to say my goodbyes when Tegan spoke.

"So me and Sara were talking the other day, about the art that you gave us? And we were thinking that we would really like for you to maybe work with us on some ideas for future projects that we have in mind. If that's something you would be interested in?" she said with a smile. I just stood there with my jaw edging closer and closer to the floor. "Are...are...you serious?" I asked in disbelief, with confusion written all over my face. My girlfriend stood there all smiles. She knew this was a dream of mine.

"Yes, we would love to see what you could come up with. If you are happy to work with us that is! And we would like to see more of your work, if you have any? " Sara replied with a chuckle.  
"I would LOVE to, wow, is this for real right now?" They both laughed and smiled so sweetly at me. "Yes, it's for real. If you don't have any plans, we can go backstage and exchange details with you and make a few initial plans? Does that sound ok?" Tegan asked.  
"Erm, yeah sure, that's cool...?" I looked over at my girlfriend with questioning eyes.

"Oh it's ok, you can come with us too," Sara spoke out, "Come on, I'll give you a tour of where us rock stars hang out before a show" and she motioned for my girlfriend to join her. They walked ahead and away from us, talking about life on the road, as they left. I suddenly felt incredibly nervous, wiping my hands on my trousers, and fiddling with the bracelets I was wearing.

Tegan turned to me and smiled, putting her hand on my shoulder and giving it a slight squeeze.   
"Don't be nervous," she said. "I promise I don't bite..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	9. Chapter 9

Fuck. Did she actually just say _that_ to _me_? Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I went to respond, my mouth open, with the only words that formed inside my head in reaction to what I had just heard, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't say that to _her_. So my I closed my mouth quickly. Of course Tegan noticed, and said, "So, did you have something you wanted to say me?" she asked, looking at me with a smirk. _It's like she knew..._

Ok, that's it, if she was going to play this game with me, I was sure as hell going to play along _and_ win _._

_I'll call her bluff, trying to make me come apart in front of her, we'll see about that..._

"I was _going_ to say, 'Well it's a shame that I can't promise the same thing'..." and looked right at her with a sarcastic look. We stared at each other intensely for just a couple of seconds before she threw her head back, enough that I could see the veins popping out of her neck as she laughed the sexiest husky laugh I have ever heard. She looked back at me through focused eyes and said, "You _definitely_ should have..." As we held each other's gaze, for what felt like an eternity, yet realistically it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, her brown eyes, burning into me, I could see something inside of her...

I saw everything I could ever want, everything I could ever desire, glowing and radiating out of her like a flashlight in the dark, showing me the way; the light at the end of the tunnel. As cheesy and as cliché as that might sound, that's what it felt like. The heat inside of me was spreading like wildfire, dangerous and unforgiving and coursing through every part of me on its path to destruction. _I wonder what she's thinking_.

If it was the same emotion I could see emitting from the depths of her eyes, then I was in serious trouble. I couldn't let this run wild, I needed to play this cool.

She stepped towards me. The tension was surrounding us like a thick cloud, ready to swallow us whole if we let it. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, I am certain she could hear it. It was the only thing _I_ could hear. Thud-thud...thud-thud...thudthudthud...thudthudthud... pounding in my ears like someone was sitting behind the drums on stage behind us and beating the hell out of them. There was desire hidden within those pupils. I could see that look in her eyes, that raw animal instinct, when all you can think of is devouring that person, pushing your bodies so close against each other, you feel like you might mold into one. When all you want is to feel their skin against yours and where a kiss just isn't enough to satisfy that feeling building up inside of you. That ache. The ache that if you decide to give in to, there is nothing you can do to control it any longer. Your body is on autopilot and there is only one place you are destined to go. Your body takes over, taking what you desperately need and giving selflessly what they are begging you for.

I couldn't quite tell if she wanted something to happen, or if she was still a little reserved of whether to take whatever this was between us, to the next stage...Neither of us knew whether to act on it or not. The only thing we both knew, just from that brief look into each other's eyes, was that if we started this, we wouldn't be able to stop it. Who makes the first move? Is there a move to make? Or is this all just one big game to see who can make the other cave first? I couldn't initiate it. No way. I couldn't make a move on Tegan Quin. For one, I _had_ a girlfriend. Secondly, it's Tegan Quin! You do not make a move on Tegan Quin because you will just embarrass yourself. _I wonder what she is thinking..._

"Come on, I'll give you a mini tour". Her words washed through me like the tide coming in to shore, soothing and kissing the flames away. And just like that within only seconds, she had set me on fire and then distinguished the burning inside me. How could one person have the power to do that to another? How could one person have that effect on me? _She was everything..._

Despite the intense moment we just experienced, we didn't feel uncomfortable around each other after that, like I thought there would be. I expected there to be this awkward tension, not knowing what to say or how to act, but to my surprise there wasn't. We moved on, at the same comfortable pace, even though I was still unraveling inside.

We started to walk towards the stage area, where all the equipment was stacked up ready to be set up for the show later tonight. I stood at the edge of the stage between the stage and the barrier that the crowd stands behind.   
"Would you like to get up on stage?" Tegan broke the silence.   
"Wow, can I?" I replied. My head was still reeling. If I would have known that _any_ of the past 15 minutes were about to happen when I was worrying about what to say at the meet and greet, I would have slapped myself round the face and told myself, trust me, _that_ will be nothing in comparison to what will happen _afterwards_.

"Sure, here you can get-" Before Tegan could show me to the steps at the side of the stage I had managed to jump up on the stage.   
"Wow, impressive" she said with another one of those smirks, eyeing me up and down, making my legs go weak.  
"Yeah, I don't look it at first glance, but I am pretty strong" I replied as I playfully flexed my non-existent muscles." I turned around before she could react or make me react from the look she was bound to have on her beautiful face. I started to walk around the stage, looking out to where the crowd would be later tonight. I felt her eyes burning into me as she stood still just watching me study everything around me, with one hand on her hip.   
"How do you do _this_ every night?! I'm nervous as hell just looking out at this empty room!" I asked as I turned to face her, she smiled and walked over towards me.   
"I do still get nervous sometimes, but you know what makes it easier, having all of our fans out there," she said pointing out to the empty room, "and having people like you cheering us on, singing along and dancing makes it always feel so special that it washes all the nerves away".

We started to talk about life on the road, both of us experiencing it in totally different ways, as an artist and as a fan. It made us both realize the dedication that both sides have in regards to what it takes to live life on the road and to be on tour, away from home. Neither of us realized just how much effort is put in make it all work. Long hours with little sleep. We had more in common then we thought we and both completely agreed that all the hard work was worth every second just to be _on_ that stage or standing in front of it. We walked over towards the side of the stage and my eyes caught glimpse of Tegan's acoustic guitar.   
  
"I'm sorry, I'm really going to geek out on you now, but do you mind if I take a photo of your guitar?"  
"Sure, its a little dark back here though," she replied. I bent down to get a close up of the guitar. I have wanted to create some art using Tegan's guitar before but have never had a good enough picture for reference. I started taking photos from different angles, moving around it like a professional photographer.   
"Would you like me to hold it for you, so you can get a better photo? She asked kindly with a heart-warming smile.  
"Erm, yeh that would be awesome, if you wouldn't mind?" She picked up her guitar holding it in different positions to catch the light in different areas and clearly enjoying watching me concentrate so much on getting the right photos.

We were stood in between a row of amps and instrument boxes all stacked up high enough that neither of us could see over them. There wasn't much room to move, and being in a tight space like this, so close to Tegan was making me feel all nervous.   
As I moved around her to get a close up of the worn area on her guitar, she asked me, "so, it seems you have a thing for my guitar huh? You have like 20 photos of it already and you're still taking more!"  
"Haha, well, I have wanted to do some art based on your guitar for a while now but I have never had a good enough picture to use as reference. I like to get all the details, from every scratch, every scuff, where the light bounces off and where it fades to darkness, every texture..." I stopped myself mid-sentence realizing I was getting way too deep about it all.   
  
"I'm sorry, sometimes I get overly passionate about the smallest of things and-"  
"Hey... you should never be sorry about being passionate about something. Especially when it's about your art. I am amazed by everything you have done so far & I'm intrigued to know where it all comes from, and to see what else you can come up with. Do you have any more you can show me?"  
"I actually have some on my phone, if you would like to take a look?" I replied. She moved in closer, leaning into me. I opened up some of the photos on the screen, explaining a little bit about each one as I scrolled through them.

One in particular caught Tegan's eye, so much so that she reached for the side of my phone, placing her warm hand over mine to bring it closer to her, "wow," she exhaled, "this one is...wow you have a talent, an amazing eye for detail. How do you create something so beautiful?" she asked me, as my attention on the screen moved up to her face to see her looking right at me in wonderment.   
I replied with the honest truth, "Art speaks for itself, it only reflects the truth. When beauty is right in front of me, I can't ever let it go untouched."   
We stood there in silence for a few seconds. _Shit, maybe I shouldn't have said that..._

"And neither can I..." Tegan whispered into my ear as she stepped closer into my body, causing us to fall gently backwards, my back now resting against the stacked boxes, and her body brushed up against mine with barely any force, but enough to set my skin on fire.

Our noses just millimeters from touching, as she gazed hungrily into my eyes. Our breaths got heavier as we inhaled then exhaled in sync. I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers, not even for a second, the warmth, the desire, it was so overpowering that the ache within my stomach grew and spread over every inch of my body _. Was this actually happening?_

I needed this to happen. She needed this to happen.

The tension between us was so thick with lust that I had to try hard to steady my breaths to keep in control of my body. Her tongue glazed across her bottom lip, wetting it slightly before biting into it gently. Without thinking about it, my mouth mimicked her actions, telling her I wanted this as much as she did. Her hand moved from her down by her side, slowly moving up towards my face, she leaned in closer, her lips edging towards mine...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	10. Chapter 10

**TEGAN POV:**

****_She was here..._

As we walk past the line, I made sure to keep my feelings on a leash, and offered just a simple "hey guys" and a smile. I had to force myself _not_ to wink or check her out; I wanted to see if she's disappointed that I hadn't. Call me cruel, but I need to know where I stand in all of this, and with her girlfriend standing there looking at me too, I couldn't make it obvious what I was thinking.

_Oh but these things I am thinking..._  
  
We met some really awesome fans today; I really enjoyed the time we had with everyone. It was a great way to bring our tour to an end, and as we were coming to the last couple of groups, I couldn't explain just how happy I was. She was _here_ ; I could finally ask her about possibly working with us... for us? I'm not sure how exactly it's going to work, but I don't care. As long as it means I can spend a little more time with her. I need to work out how I feel about her...  
  
"Hey guys! How are you today?" Sara said loudly, breaking me from my thoughts. She walked over and shook Sara's hand first, smiling that amazing smile she has, before stopping in front of me, holding her hand out, taking mine in hers as she looked into my eyes. She felt so warm and inviting, and it gave me goose bumps all over. I'm just glad I had my jacket on to hide it!

"Hey, how are you?" I asked, keeping my cool.   
"Hey, I'm really good thanks. A little hot actually!" she said nervously. _I like it when I make her nervous..._  
"Yeah-" I started and couldn't help but check her out, from head to toe. _Damn._ She wasn't just a little hot. She was smokin' hot. Those tight jeans showing off her slender figure, that tank hanging off her curves just right... _focus, Tegan, focus_...

"It's _very_ hot, I think I made a mistake with this leather jacket!" trying to ease the tension I really shouldn't have created, but couldn't help it, by laughing. Sara bought us both back into the room starting up a conversation with them both. All I was thinking was about asking her if she would work for us. What if she said no? What if we can't agree on anything and it was over before it even begins? No, that won't happen. I have faith in her.

She slightly blushed every time she caught me looking at her during, our conversation. I enjoyed every second.  
We all stood in our positions for our photos, again, my fingertips brushing her neck as I rested my hand on her shoulder.

She turned to both Sara and I ready to say her goodbyes, I could tell she was sad about it. I guess she didn't know when she would see us again, and if it wasn't for the proposition I was about to offer her, _I_ wouldn't know when I would see or hear from her again. This was it. This was the moment I had waited for. I hoped it would mean as much to her as I think it will...

"So me and Sara were talking the other day, about the art that you gave us? And we were thinking that we would really like for you to maybe work with us on some ideas for future projects that we have in mind. If that's something you would be interested in?" I asked her, with a sincere smile. The look on her face was priceless; it was everything I could have ever wanted it to be. It was like someone had just told her all of her dreams were coming true. Her eyes went wide in shock and her jaw slightly opened, like she was trying to find words to say, but was struggling. That reaction itself made my insides burn with happiness. The relief of knowing that it was something she wanted, and she wouldn't say no to, it gave me hope, and it soothed my heart. She managed to force out a response, trying to sound as normal as possible when I know that her inner self is dying right now. If it was just her, and me I know exactly what I would say to calm her down, and tell her it's ok to explode with excitement. But she has to process all of this in front of her girlfriend, and both Sara and I, two people she clearly looks up to and respects. I wanted to applaud her on staying so collected; I don't think I could do the same.

Sara arranged for them both to stay behind after the meet and greet so we could swap contact details and sort out a few things before we left each other's company, for who knows how long. Sara took her girlfriend under her wing, to show her the backstage area and get things sorted for us to join them. As they walked on ahead and out of earshot, we were left standing there. Alone...

I knew she was still unraveling inside, I guess it's a lot to take in unexpectedly. I turned to her, putting my hand on her shoulder and I just couldn't help myself. We were alone together in this room, no one else around us, no one but _us_. I wasn't going to pass up this opportunity. I wanted to know how she felt, whether it was just a playful game we were playing while being on tour, or if it ran deeper than that.

I smiled at her, squeezing her gently and affectionately, "don't be nervous, I promise I don't bite..."  
I saw the slightest pause in her reaction, only noticing because I was carefully studying her. I wanted to see if this chemistry was mutual. She was about to say something back to me, but she stopped herself. Oh there is no way I am letting her get away with that...

So I cheekily asked her, smirking at her, making it known that I saw what she did there and I was not going to let it lie.  
"I was _going_ to say, 'it's a shame that I can't promise the same thing'..." complete with a sarcastic smirk.   
_There's my girl..._

Her eyes softened as they locked on to my gaze for just a few seconds before I couldn't hold back my laughter.  
"You _definitely_ should have..." I said more seriously this time, as our eyes battled with each other's, searching for any clues as to what the other was thinking.

All I could think about was how crazy she was making me and I didn't even know her at all yet. I only knew what I could see within her eyes.

And all I could see was passion. Although it was a reserved passion. A cautious passion. Like she was almost scared to let itself be shown in fear of being rejected. So she held it back on a leash, showing itself in bursts and then retreating back again. Like a wild animal raring to be let free, battling against the chains holding it in its cage. I wanted to see it come to life. I wanted to find out what that side of her was like. I can see it within her, and I need to be the one to unleash it. So I stepped towards her...

But should I? Should I do this? Do I make a move on her? Do I put myself out there?

She's a fan. She has a girlfriend. I can't just push myself on to her and put her in that situation, without knowing whether or not she wants it, or whether she wants _me_... _I wonder what she's thinking..._

"Come on, I'll give you a mini tour", I finally spoke, deciding we needed a breather. The intensity between us was something if we let take control over us, like we had wanted, we would just as quickly lose that control, and not be able to stop. So I led her over towards the stage asking if she would like to get on it. Before I could even tell her where the steps were, she was up there looking down at me with smug look on her face. _Wow..._

I smirked at her, nodding, "wow, impressive". Her playful personality shining through with her next movement, flexing her muscles at me and teasing me with her words. Eager as I was to respond, she turned away, almost like she knew what was going through my mind, before I could. _The tease..._

I stood there, watching her as she moved around looking at everything on stage, and all around her, taking it all in. She asked me a few questions; I guess questions that most fans would like to know the answers to, about life on the road. It was interesting to hear just how much dedication it takes from a travelling fan just to get to each show. It's not all that different from our schedules, apart from they don't get paid to do it, they _spend_ money to be able to do it. I would never be able to express my gratitude and sheer amazement at the dedication it takes to be able to stand in front of us every night at one of our shows. Whether its for one show or 10 in a row. I will always be grateful and have the utmost respect for our fans.

We started to walk over to the edge of the stage and she asked if she could take some photos of my guitar. She was adorable. We were cramped in together in this small space between rows and rows of stacked boxes, amps and stage equipment. I felt a pull towards her, like a magnet. She had this hold over me and I couldn't shake it off. I needed to keep control. My body itching to let go...

I questioned her about her love for my guitar, jokingly, and her delicate words as she described to me what she looks for in order to create the art that she does, just made my heart swell. She offered to show me a few more examples of her work on her phone. As she talked me briefly about each one, I stood there in awe. One in particular caught my attention, put my hand over hers on the side of her phone so I could bring it closer. A soft "wow" pushed itself out as I exhaled. Her response to my next question made my heart skip a beat, my pulse quicken and that familiar ache return to my body...

_"Art speaks for itself, it only reflects the truth. When beauty is right in front of me, I can't ever let it go untouched."_

This was it. This was the moment. I couldn't let it pass me by anymore. This. Was. It... _Here goes..._

"And neither can I..." I whispered into her ear, stepping closer to her body so I was lightly resting against her, the slightest pressure as her back was against the boxes behind her. Looking into her eyes I could _finally_ see it. They we ablaze with lust. Our breathing in sync, as the pressure inside of me was building and building; threatening to explode at any second. I just needed to feel her lips. I needed to taste her. I needed to breathe her in and feel her rush through my veins.

I bit my lip, and she did the same. All I wanted to do was massage that lip between my own... _Oh god_...

I moved my hand to the side of her face, leaning in closer as my fingertips brushed her cheek, I could feel the warmth of her breath as my mouth edged closer to hers. My stomach was doing back flips as her lips parted waiting for mine to make contact...

"Tegan? TEGAN? Where are you guys?" Sara's voice boomed as we heard her footsteps echo around the room...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, comments, and love if you liked (or didn't like) this chapter and the progress of the story.  
> Hit me up on twitter if you want to reach out to me there (@wamawriter)


	11. Chapter 11

**TEGAN POV:**

_Shiiiiiiiiiiit..._

If I thought our _breathing_ was fast, you should have seen how quickly we both jumped away from each other in an attempt to regain normality before Sara found us huddled closely between all this equipment.

"We're over here, Sar, just by the guitars", I yelled out, so not to make the silence seem too suspicious. My heart has never felt as big as it does right now; swelling against my rib-cage threatening to push itself out at any given moment. I looked over to her, just standing there. She looked _beautiful_. Trying to control her breathing and straightening out her clothes in a nervous manner. Her pupils were still dilated with the lust I had lured from within her. She caught my eye and totally surprised me when she started to giggle at the situation. _Oh thank god..._

I started to laugh too. What a relief to see her taking it this way. It would have been easy for either of us to fall apart given what very _nearly_ just happened.  
Nearly. So. Close. _So close..._  
We were still laughing as Sara turned the corner.   
"What are you guys doing back here? We've been waiting for you!" She asked with smile.

"I'm sorry, I got distracted by Tegan's guitar, I wanted to see it up close, I didn't mean to keep you waiting," she said apologetically and her quick reaction saved us in this awkward situation. I actually don't know what I would have said. She was so sincere when she spoke, that you couldn't help but smile at her. She was quick to think on her feet, I'll give her credit for that.

_I wonder how quickly she thinks on her back...Oh god, now is not the time, Tegan..._

"Oh, it's no problem, we've been having a good talk about you and your work already. Shall we go through and sort out some details?"  
I felt a wave of guilt rush over me. There I was about to kiss this girl, as her _girlfriend_ was sitting with my sister talking about her. I felt terrible. The only way I could even try to comfort myself into thinking I wasn't an awful, awful human being, was thinking back and reminding myself that _she_ also wanted to kiss _me_.   
_She wanted to kiss me..._ She was the one with the girlfriend, yet _she_ still wanted to kiss _me_.

"Let's go! Lead the way Sara", I said. She turned around and started to walk back the same direction she came in. I wanted her to know that I was sorry, but also that I didn't regret it. I didn't regret moving in to kiss her. I didn't regret touching her cheek. I didn't regret _almost_ feeling her lips against mine...  
I didn't want her to think I just wanted some quick lust-filled kiss with her, just because I _could_. The only thing I decided that I _did_ regret is not doing it sooner.

I needed her to know that I wanted it. I wanted her to know that I needed it.   
  
All I could think of to do in this situation was mouth " _I'm sorry_ " to her. Hoping that the look in my eyes could tell her a thousand words. Before I could worry too much, wondering if she understood my simple gesture as it was intended, she smiled back at me with the sexiest look in her eye that I have ever witnessed, and whispered in my ear as she walked by to follow Sara, "don't be..."

The over powering urge to grab her by her hips and push her back into the position we had just removed ourselves from, to ravish her right here and right now, regardless of my sisters presence in the room, sent a kick right to my core. _Fuck_...  
This girl is driving me wild.

I followed suit, with my eyes fixated on her body as I walked slightly behind her and Sara, I couldn't help but wonder how the fuck I was going to survive having not kissed her. Will I _ever_ get another opportunity? What if that was it? What if that was my one chance? Was fate telling me, that it wasn't mean to be? Or was fate telling me it wasn't the right time. Well, it certainly felt _right_. That's at least one thing I knew for certain.

_Oh god, it felt so right....  
_

************  
  
I needed to sort my head out, and also this throbbing I could feel in places I shouldn't be. I had never felt this turned on before from _just_ a kiss.

Well, it wasn't even a kiss. We didn't get to kiss. Tegan's lips were just millimeters away from my own. We barely even touched each other. Yet, I felt like my skin was on fire, every atom of my body was sensitive beyond anything I have ever experienced before. If I felt like this now, how would I have survived her lips on mine? Her body applying more and more pressure against me? Her tongue massaging mine? Her hands... _Oh fuck..._

I could feel her eyes all over me as she walked slightly behind me. _I wonder what she's thinking_...

Before I had chance to dwell on it any more, Sara spoke, "Here we are, please make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink?", Sara said offering me a beer.

_Make myself comfortable? I wish I could..._

Sara and my girlfriend were both halfway down a beer already, I decided that there was nothing else I would rather do right now than let some ice cold alcohol course through my blood stream. _Well, there was one thing..._

"Sure, why not, thanks!" My god I needed one.

We were now in an all-white room, decorated with black leather sofas and black furniture. A glass coffee table was the central focus point in the room with the sofas positioned all around it.

I sat down next to my girlfriend and she squeezed my knee in excitement. My heart dropped and I immediately felt like shit. I nearly cheated on her. I nearly kissed another woman. Yet all I could think about was that one word: _nearly_. Fuck. I didn't deserve her. Before I had much time to start internally hating myself, Tegan popped her head around the door, "I'm just going to the bathroom, I'll be through in a minute," she looked at me just before she turned to walk away, with a frustrated look on her face. I knew what _that_ look meant...

Haha, was she as turned on as me right now? Did _I_ make her feel like that? I smirked at her just in time for her to catch it before she was out of sight and down the hallway. I still didn't know how she felt about what was about to happen between us. Was it just a bit of fun? Was it a spur-of-the-moment reaction? Or was it something more? I had to remind myself that this wasn't just anyone. This was Tegan Quin. Why would she want anything more with someone like me?

Sara talked to me about the book I had given them, displaying it on the table, and asked me a few questions about each piece. It amazed me how genuinely interested they both were about my work.

All the while, my mind was trying to imagine what Tegan was doing... I felt like a horny teenager, my mind could not focus on anything but her body against mine, our lungs expanding and contracting in sync. With that thought swirling around in my mind, she walked back in. Her cheeks ever so slightly pink, which to everyone else in the room, wouldn't seem out of the norm. But they didn't know what had almost happened just ten minutes ago. I did...

I took a big gulp of my beer to stop a smirk plaster itself across my face. She saw me, and she knew. I should really stop teasing her. It's only going to make it worse for me. I don't even know where I have got this newfound confidence from...

We discussed my work and I explained that I had much more on my laptop at home, that I could send over if they were interested.   
"Yeah, that sounds great", Sara said.   
"So like I explained before about new ideas, we don't have a particular project that we can start you on initially, but if you want to send over anything you would like us to see, and we will can keep in touch with updates and feedback."

"Do you have a particular email address you would like me to send them to?" I asked. My girlfriend suddenly spoke, "sorry to interrupt but can I use the bathroom?" She never could hold her drink.   
"Yes, of course, I'll show you where it is", Sara offered, "Tegan if you would sort out the contact details while we are gone?"

"Sure thing Sar," she replied and with that we were left alone once again. I couldn't look at her. She was staring at me with a smirk all over her face and I couldn't look at her.   
"So, you like seeing me get all hot and bothered, do you?"   
She was doing it again, making me blush, trying to get me to cave in front of her. We'll see. Two can play that game...

"Who doesn't enjoy making a woman squirm?" I countered raising my eyebrow at her. The sexiest laugh erupted from her throat, and her smile was so wide, those lines she gets around her mouth sometimes, were out in full glory and I nearly died on the spot. As much fun as this flirting back and forth was, I was getting hotter and hotter, and I didn't know how much longer I could last without some relief. How embarrassing...   
  
She walked over and sat right next to me, her shoulder touching my own. Leaning across me slightly, she lifted her hand, edging across my body and towards my waist...


	12. Chapter 12

I swallowed hard. Was she really doing this right now? Anyone could walk in at any moment. Smirking, she reached over and grabbed my hand, only to take my phone out of it. She quickly opened up the camera app and took a photo of me, before I could stop myself blushing or grab the phone back off her.  
  
"So, where would you like me to save my email address?" _The little fucker..._

I snatched the phone back off her, reminding myself that I should actually start to breathe again after holding my breath. My heart was beating out my chest, and she knew it. I couldn't even hide how flustered I was, squinting at her in disbelief that she had just done that to me. She just laughed, "you know, it _is_ fun making women squirm..." I guess I deserved that. _Touché Tegan..._

Shaking my head as I navigated through my phone, the tension in the room dissolved. I went into my account, and opened up a blank new email, ready to send and passed her back the phone. She wrote her email address in, and started clicking around, trying to do something.   
"Hey. What are you up to?" I asked trying to grab the phone back off her.   
"I'm sending that photo of you blushing as bright as I have ever seen anyone blush, to myself"  
"Oh no, don't you dare, give me that back!" I screamed as she turned away from me, so I couldn't possibly reach it without literally jumping on her back. I thought about it...Oh I thought about...but I decided that me straddling Tegan, as _hot_ as that would be omg... well, it wouldn't look good to anybody walking through that door at any second. She turned back to me and handed over my phone. 

"There you go", she said smugly, grinning from ear to ear.  
"Fucker!" nudging her with my shoulder, "You'd better reply to that email with something in a way of an apology for being so cruel to me", I joked.  
"Hahaha, so the offer of a job is not enough for you?" she replied laughing. I knew exactly how to reply to that to get my revenge.  
"I _always_ want more..." I said in a seductive tone eyeing her and managing to keep a straight face, despite dying inside. This _thing_ we had going on really was bringing out a side of me that I never knew I had.   
_What was she doing to me?_

She bit her lip, and tried not to blush when she smiled and looked into her lap, trying to compose herself before responding, "Well-"  
"So guys, did you swap details? Sara asked as they walked back in the room. Fuck. And again... _  
What was she going to say?!_

"Yeah, we have. Did we need to do anything else? Tegan replied to her sister.  
"No I think we have everything covered", she turned to me and my girlfriend, "thank you so much for coming to see us on this tour and I really look forward to seeing some more of your work", she said holding her hands over her heart in the most sincere I have ever heard Sara speak. This is surely all just a dream? I am going to wake up in my own bed any second and look around me and it will be those same four boring walls that keep all my hopes and dreams trapped inside, so they can never escape and be fulfilled. I subtly decided to pinch myself to see if all this around me would fade away. It didn't.   
  
"So, it seems our manager needs us to run through a few things for the show tonight, so thank you once again for sticking around today. We hope you'll enjoy the show tonight, and if we don't see you again, have a safe journey home." Sara stepped towards me and hugged me goodbye. Time stood still as I realized I was holding Sara Quin in my arms, as _she_ thanked _me._

I could see Tegan giving my girlfriend a hug and thanking her for all her support. It was my turn next. She was going to put her arms around _me_. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I should be excited, happy and amazed that I get to have Tegan in that kind of embrace. But after the last few weeks and last hour in particular, I felt like this hug would be a confirmation that all that is now just the past. No promise of a future, not knowing when or if any of this will happen again. I shake the thoughts away, kicking myself. Just enjoy this moment while you have it. You can be sad about it when sitting on that plane on the long journey home. Enjoy being so close to the woman you think about 24/7. She is here in front of you. Make the most of it.

As Sara spoke to my girlfriend, saying their goodbyes, Tegan stepped towards me, she put both of her hands on my arms holding them, she gripped them tight, "thank you so much for everything...I have _really_ enjoyed seeing you on this tour." She pulled me in for the most amazing hug I have ever felt wrap around me.   
"No, thank you, I never expected anything to happen when I handed my work to you, I just wanted you to see it, and you have literally made a dream come true. I will _never_ be able to thank you enough, or show you just how much this means to me..." Her husky laugh filled my ears, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand to attention, as her lips brushed against my ear, "we'll see about that...never say never".   
  
Fuck...  
 _She's done it again._

How does she do this to me so easily? I'm like putty in her hands. Her voice makes me melt, that suggestive tone she has slays me. I internally slap myself for allowing my breath to catch in the back of my throat. Almost leaving my mouth as a moan. _Shit..._

I didn't even need to look at her; I could _feel_ that mischievous grin spread across her face as she heard me. She squeezed me one last time, before we left each other's arms. She winked at me and said, "see you soon", a glint in her eye and she turned to Sara, putting her hand on her lower back to let her know she was ready to go.   
"Bye guys, thanks again" Sara spoke as they walked out the room.

_Fuuuuuuuuuck..._

Their management, who thanked us for coming, led us back outside. We joined the ever-growing crowd outside the venue and stood there for a few seconds in disbelief. We were asked if we could keep the meeting just between us and not discuss anything about it, with other fans. Which I totally get. If word got out online about this, it might go a little crazy. Also, there's no guarantee I will actually do any work for them yet, it's still in the very early stages, so for the time being, I am happy just to sit on it, while I still pinching myself.

For the sake of my sanity, I tried to push all of what had just happened to the back of my mind. I needed some time to properly take it all in. What a whirlwind. In less than an hour, my life had changed dramatically. As we walked over towards our friends, sitting in the boiling hot sun, I tried to clear my mind, trying to focus on enjoying this last show, with my friends on this unforgettable tour. What had I done to deserve all of this?

I had felt quite distant over the past week, because I had all these thoughts and feelings that I wanted to talk to someone about. But who can I talk to about any of this? I can't talk to my girlfriend about the spark between me and another woman, who she knows I have a crush on. Why is she ok with me crushing on another woman? Because the other woman is Tegan Quin. And in our minds nothing would or could ever happen between some like me and someone like Tegan, so it's not an issue.

I couldn't talk to my friends about it because they would react almost exactly the same. First, it would be dismissal. Them thinking I had lost my mind to actually believe she was giving me any kind of attention. Secondly, if they did believe me, it would then be made into an uncomfortable issue, causing possible friction between my girlfriend and I, and then they would no doubt start spreading it all over the internet, gossiping with fans over it. All 'harmless' banter, but I didn't want that. I didn't want people to think I was bigheaded _thinking_ I could be the one to get special attention from Tegan. I didn't want people talking about Tegan like that either. The internet is a cruel place more often than not and she didn't deserve any of it.

Most of all though, whoever I talked to about this, would just think I was crazy and obsessed and looking for things that I _wished_ were there. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I know what happened today. She knows what happened today. It was just going to be something I had to deal with on my own.

Being around my crazy friends again, as we waited for the venues doors to open, was just what I needed. I needed some time away from my thoughts for at least a while, and spend some quality time with the people I loved.

A few drinks and sing-alongs later, it was time for doors. My girlfriend grabbed my hand leading me to the VIP line. When we were finally alone she turned to me, "I'm so proud of you baby! I'm surprised you are still breathing right now, I bet you are dying inside!" as she kissed me.   
"You have no idea..." I replied.   
  
We walked into the room, and took our places in just to the right of Tegan's mic stand. Last show of the tour.  
 _I wonder what tonight's show will bring..._

 


	13. Chapter 13

**TEGAN POV:**

  
Watching her hips sway as she walked ahead of me wasn't easing this throbbing at all. All my mind wanted to picture was those hips on top of me, or underneath me... _Oh god..._

What has come over me? I'm never usually like this. Especially not in regards to a fan. I know it's wrong to just keep referring to her as just a 'fan' but it's always been a subject within the band that we have to be careful about. So most of the time I do not let those kinds of thoughts consume me. Regardless of whether she is a fan or not, I haven't been like this over _anyone_ for a long time. The desire to have her body against mine, touching mine, is so overwhelming that I can't just walk into that room and sit around with everyone. I need to calm myself down. The worst thing that could happen is for Sara to notice. As much as I hate to admit it, she can read me like a book. I'm not very good at disguising or hiding my feelings anyway, but because we are twins, she is the other half of my soul, so she knows me inside out. And right now my insides are on fire, in desperate need of cooling down before I explode.

As we reached the backstage area, and Sara offered her a beer, I waited for them to all get comfy before I popped my head around the door, "I'm just going to the bathroom, I'll be through in a minute", I said as calm as I could, trying to keep my breaths at a regular pace. I glanced over at her sitting there all smug with a beer in hand. She knew. She fuckin' _knew_ how I was feeling. Was it that obvious? Or was it because she was feeling the same? If she _was_ feeling the same then she was doing a damn good job at hiding it.

As I closed the door to the bathroom behind me, I stood with my back against it, and took a few deep breaths. Trying to make the ever-building ache inside of me, dissolve away. I can't believe I am this wound up about her, and there is only one way to get some relief right now. _Shit..._

It didn't take me long at all. As embarrassing as that is. I couldn't be in here too long anyway without questions being asked, so I quickly freshened myself up and walked back to the room.   
As I walked in she took a huge gulp from her beer trying to stop herself from grinning. She knew what had just happened and subtly teased me from across the room. I'm not having any of this. Just you wait, girl, _just you wait..._

We discussed her work, had friendly conversation while all relaxing with a beer. It felt really good. I liked these two, they were really down to earth people, easy to talk to and really polite. We were about to swap contact details when her girlfriend asked if she could use the bathroom. Sara offered to show her where it was, and I was left with the responsibility of sorting out some contact information. I know the kind of contact I would like to give her right now...

As they left the room, she dropped her head, playing with the label on her bottle of beer. I know what that means. She's still all frustrated, sitting there 'all innocent'. We'll see about that.  
"So, you like seeing me get all hot and bothered, do you?" I asked suggestively, thinking this will surely make her blush bright red. What I didn't expect was her response.   
"Who doesn't enjoy making a woman squirm?" raising her eyebrow and looking at me for the first time since we were left alone in this room. _Dammmmmn..._

I couldn't contain my laugh or the smile spreading over my face. _This woman..._

I walked over to her and sat so my body was slightly pressing against hers, I leaned in to her, reaching over to grab her hand as slow as I could to increase the tension I could see building inside of her. She held her breath and with that, I knew it had worked. I grabbed her phone, took a quick photo of her. I wanted to be able see that look on her face over and aver again. I wanted a reminder that it _had_ actually happened. Otherwise I will drive myself crazy thinking about whether it was all in my head or not.

"So, where would you like me to save my email address?" I asked her. She grabbed the phone off me and started to breathe again. A flush of pink graced her face as she gave me a playfully dirty look. I decided to throw back what she had teased me with earlier, "you know, it _is_ fun making women squirm..."   
She just shook her head trying her hardest not to crack a smile. After passing me her phone back for me to enter my details, I quickly located the photo I had took and tried to send it to my email. She caught on and asked what I was doing.

"I'm sending that photo of you blushing as bright as I have ever seen anyone blush, to myself". She did not like that idea, and tried to grab her phone back. If she wanted it, she would have to come and get it. Secretly hoping she would jump on me, but knowing she wouldn't because of where we were right now. As soon as I had done it I passed it back to her, flashing her my cheesiest smile.

"Fucker!" She whispered as she knocked into my shoulder. _Keep talkin' like that at me girl, and just see if I don't..._  
"You'd better reply to that email with something in a way of an apology for being so _cruel_ to me", she said jokingly.  
"Hahaha, so the offer of a job is not enough for you?" I scoffed at her, looking into her eyes, thoroughly enjoying this moment. Her next response almost floored me though, I had to compose myself: _  
"I always want more..."_

_Fuck..._

I had to bite my lip, as I felt my face begin to heat up alongside other parts of me too. Again. Ok, if she thinks she can win this one, she has another thing coming.   
"Well-" I started before I was once again interrupted by Sara. _Sara,_ _I swear to god..._  
I'm going to kill her! It's like she knows something is going on, even though there is no way she could do. Right?  
And it's not like anything _is_ going on, well _something_ could have if it wasn't thanks to my wonderful sister being such a clam-jam.

So, as Sara spoke bringing our meeting to an end, I'll be the first to admit that I was sad about it. As I thanked her girlfriend and hugged her goodbye, I couldn't help but think that these arms she had wrapped around me, were going to wrap around _her._ Looking after her. Holding her. Touching her...

She walked over towards me, warming my heart with each step. I grabbed her arms, holding them tightly. I wanted to let her know exactly what I was feeling, so I put everything I had into the hug I gave her as I said," thank you so much for everything...I have _really_ enjoyed seeing you on this tour."  
"No, thank you, I never expected anything to happen when I handed my work to you, I just wanted you to see it, and you have literally made a dream come true. I will never be able to thank you enough, or show you just how much this means to me..."

I couldn't control my laughter as my mind turned to inappropriate thoughts. I pressed my lips gently against her ear and whispered in my sexiest voice, "we'll see about that...never say never".  
To my complete surprise, she almost came undone right there and then. The breath caught in her throat and I swear I heard the smallest whimper escape. Holy shit, I almost made her _moan_...

I squeezed her one last time before letting her go. I had a feeling I was gong to see her again soon. I could feel it in my bones. I wanted to leave her with some hope that this _wasn't_ the end... if she didn't want it to be. I winked at her, "See you soon" which was more of a promise than a passing phrase. I turned to Sara letting her know I was ready, and we walked out the door.

"She is super sweet. I do look forward to working with her." Sara spoke softly.  
"Yeah, me too, I really like her" I replied.   
"I know, I could tell. Way to squeeze her tight Tegan. It's a good job her girlfriend didn't see the way you were looking at her," she teased.   
"What?!" I replied acting all innocent, "it was just a goodbye hug-"  
"Tegan, I'm not going to stand here and argue, but I know what I saw, I could see it in her eyes and I could see the mischievous glint in yours. Just be careful, ok? She has a girlfriend and as innocent as it may be right now, someone's feelings will get hurt along the way."   
  
Shit. She was right. Whether something happened or not, there were 3 of us involved essentially, and at least one of us was going to end up being hurt.   
"Sar, It's just a bit of fun, please don't worry" I replied, hurting inside as I said those words, because I didn't want it to just be that.

We went our separate ways to get ready for the final show of the tour and my mind was reeling. I kept hearing Sara's words on a loop: _"-I could see it in her eyes"._ She could see it in her eyes? What could she see? I didn't want to ask her what she meant by it because that would make it obvious that I cared and that I wanted to know. I thought about that hug, holding her in my arms. Nothing had felt that _right_ in a long time. I still don't know what I am looking for out of this. A friendship? Friends with benefits? A fling? Hot sex? A relationship? I don't know _what_ I want. All I do know is that I want her in my life. One way or another. Until I can figure it out, I'm just going to have to carry on like I have been. I cannot go backwards.

I know what I want...and what I want is... "Tegan! Showtime!"

Walking on stage, I let all my conflicted feelings evaporate into the air. The crowd was loud tonight. I could tell it was going to be a great show. The buzz in the room immediately washed over making me feel alive. As soon as the lights shed a glow over the crowd, I saw her straight away, standing there, all smiles. _Damn that infectious smile of hers_. I decided all I was going to think about tonight was putting on the best show I could _for her._ I wasn't going to fuck up any lyrics, forget any lyrics or miss a note. A dedication to her for making this tour definitely one I will remember. I smiled at her before opening my mouth to sing the first notes of the night.

The show was incredible. As often as I could get away with, I looked over in her direction. She had this sparkle in her eyes. I wondered what she was thinking about. Was she thinking about me? Was she thinking about the situations and flirty behavior we had shared over the last couple of weeks? Was she thinking what a great way to end a tour, before she leaves and goes back to her normal life? Back to her life with her girlfriend? What if she thinks I feel these things too? No, I need her to know it wasn't just something to enjoy while being on tour. As these thoughts crossed over in my mind, the timing of them couldn't have been any better. It was time for me to play a song I hadn't played for a long time. It was time for me to speak to the crowd.   
  
"So, as it's the last night of our tour tonight-"  
"Boooooooooo!!" the crowd shouted back at me.   
"I know, I know, we wish it could go on forever, but we do need a break every now and then. We are getting old-er now. Haha! But as I was saying, it's the last night of the tour, so from the bottom of our hearts we want to thank every single one of you for coming tonight and to every fan who has been to any of our shows throughout this tour. It means the world that we get to do what we love everyday, for a living. And that's because of all of you. So thank you." More cheering erupted around the room.

"So, in honor of all you guys being so amazing, we decided to add a couple of songs we haven't played in a while to the set tonight. I have had the most amazing time on this tour, so thank you, I dedicate this song to _you._ " and on that one simple word, I looked right in her eyes. _This one is for you..._

_"When you wake what is it that you think of most? When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone? If I imagine you, body next to another..."_

I poured my heart and soul into every word, closing my eyes for most of it. Until I _had_ to open them for this next line.

I looked one more time into her eyes...

_"Well I know what I want and what I want is right here with youuuuu..."_

 


	14. Chapter 14

_"Well I know what I want and what I want is right here with youuuuu..."_

As the words erupted in my ears, I found myself frozen, like a statue. She was looking right at me as she sang those words. _Those words_. My favorite song, being played right in front of me. It felt like she was playing it to me and me alone. There was no one else was in the room in those few seconds. Everything around me and everything around her was a complete blur. My stomach dropped to the floor and my heart was bouncing around inside my ribcage threatening to explode at any second. Her eyes searching mine for some kind of clarification. Can she find what she is looking for? Or will what she sees put an end to all of this?

What is happening right now?! Is she giving me a sign? Or is she still having fun with this _thing_ we have going on between us. Her gaze left mine as she continued to play and sing to the crowd glancing at to different areas of the room every now and then. Why could I not figure this out? Why was she doing this to me? More importantly, why _me_? Instead of questioning it any longer I decided to revel in it. I need her to see that this isn't just a game to me. I need her to know how I feel about her. If she doesn't feel the same and then this _thing_ we have between us ends, then so be it. At least I will know where I stand in all of this. If she isn't interested then my mind can rest. I can try and pick myself up and get on with life, as I have been trying to for years. But, on the other hand, if she sees how I really feel and there _is_ something there, then, I guess, well, my mind can well, rest...sort of.

Without caring of being seen by anyone else, when it came around to those words, I let the raw emotions take over my body, my heart, and my soul as I put my right fist over my heart, "well I know what I want and what I want is right here with youuuuu..."

I sang with everything I had inside of me. My throat was burning with every syllable. Like an exorcism ridding my body of this love that's been trapped inside possessing me for years and years, I was finally letting it free. It felt good. It felt amazing. It felt right. My eyes began to well up and I feared a tear would trickle down my face at any second. She saw me. She saw everything. These unexpected emotions that had been building up inside of me over the past few weeks, were set free. I felt... _relieved_? Was that the right word? It was exactly what I needed. I could leave this tour as happy as I can expect myself to given the circumstances, knowing all that had happened, _had_ happened _._ No one could take that away from me. No one.

I felt breath against my ear, "Did you see that? She totally just looked at me as she sang those words?!" my girlfriend exclaimed. Any other time, I would have no reason to doubt her, even if I thought it was directed at me, I wouldn't have believed it. But I knew for sure this time, that it wasn't aimed at her.   
"No way, she was looking at me!" I responded playfully, not wanting to sound arrogant.   
"You wish!" she snorted at me.   
  
I just wish I could scream to her, it's me; it's _me_ she's looking at and singing to. It's _me_ she's eyeing up, and you know how I know? Because we almost kissed. _Almost_. That word repeating through my mind, like a broken record playing in my mind. Over and over. I _almost_ kissed Tegan Quin. Her lips _almost_ touched mine. Her body brushing against mine...how will I _ever_ get over this? How am I going to return to normal life? There won't be one single day that I won't replay that moment in my mind. Not one day will go by when I don't wish I could turn back time and just edge that gap, those few millimeters, and have her lips on mine. It feels so surreal to be actually thinking these thoughts as they stem from memory, and not just daydreaming about a scenario like that happening. Tegan Quin. Tegan. Quin.

I sang the lyrics as loud as I could, with all of the passion I had within me, from deep within my soul. My soul, which was slowly slipping away from me. Every time her eyes caught mine, my soul inched further and further away. I loved her. I had always loved her. It was like a forbidden love. Loving from afar and not being able to love her, as I want to, as I need to, as I should be able to. Hidden inside, eating away at me. But this tour had given me a new hope. Maybe it wasn't as impossible as I thought. Was it fate that we met at this point in time? Fate pushing us together to make us work for what we truly want. Or was fate showing me that it is impossible and it is now time to move on and get over it. I am hopelessly in love with the impossible. So maybe _that_ is my fate.

As the song ended, she took to the mic again, "thank you," she looked at me once again, my heart melting, she just thanked _me_. "Thanks everyone" she also embraced the crowd bowing her head slightly and smiled. She was smiling so widely, with no effort whatsoever. She seemed so happy. So relaxed. So full of life. So untroubled. I briefly wondered if that would ever be me. I took inspiration from her in that moment. For the rest of the show, I decided that I wasn't going to think about the what-ifs, my conflicted feelings or the questions in my mind. I was just going to live it. It was my last chance for who knows how long, and I wasn't going to waste it. I wanted her to see what it all meant to me. Whatever the outcome. She made _me_ feel alive. Is there anything more satisfying than knowing that you make someone feel alive just from being 'you'? I don't think there is. So, I want her to know that's how she makes me feel. I took a deep breath, composing myself just so I can let myself go. I felt the need to let myself unravel in front of her. Putting my heart and my soul on the line for all to see. For _her_ to see. For the last time. Our last show. My last chance... **  
  
  
TEGAN POV:**  
  
  
She sang those words back to me. Those words, my words. The words I wrote all those years ago. No one else's words, they were mine. My words and my feelings exposed to the world in the form of a song. And her eyes. _Those_ eyes. They told me everything I had wanted to know. Everything I had been questioning was emitting from those beautiful eyes reaching deep into my soul. I could see the love. I could even see heartache that still tainted her soul. I could see she was fragile. I could see she desperately wanted to be _loved_. I could see passion. I could see devotion. I could see she was leaving nothing hidden. Her heart was on her sleeve. I could also see an emotion that I didn't expect to see. Fear.

Fear of what? I didn't know, but I wanted to know. I needed to know. What was she scared of? Was she scared of this situation? Of what could happen? Was she scared of her feelings? And for who? For me? For her girlfriend?

I wanted to run over to her, pick her up and kiss her. Or grab her hand and take her with me. If there was that much emotion in just a look, I can only imagine the amount of emotion her lips could massage into mine. I could soothe away any doubts she was having, if those doubts were infact about _my_ intentions. That was at least something I knew I could reassure her about.

If she was scared to let herself go only to be rejected, then she didn't need to be. If she was scared to find out this was just some 'on tour' _fun,_ she didn't have to be. I was as clueless as she was in this situation we found ourselves in. However, I once again realized that I was single. She wasn't. I had nothing to lose. She had everything. Maybe _that's_ the fear inside of her. The fear wasn't overpowering the love, the warmth or the passion I could feel radiating from her eyes, but it was still there. Like an open wound that needed to heal. I wanted to be the one to help her heal. To soothe the pain away. I wanted to heal her heart. Fix her up and take her away. She deserved to be happy. Maybe she was already happy? If so, then I hope I'm not making her unhappy with all of this. If I am, there is nothing I can do, apart from maybe try to make her _happier_. Selfishly, _I_ wanted to be happy, and I also wanted to be the one that made _her_ happy...I think she _would_ make me happy. In what way? I am not entirely sure. All I am sure of is that I need her in my life, one way or another. I know that this isn't the end. I won't let this be the end. The tour may be coming to an end, but I am going to make damn sure that _this_ is not the end...

 


	15. Chapter 15

**TEGAN POV:**

**  
**What. A. Show.

Last night was incredible. It was the first show, in fuck knows how long that I didn't screw up once. Not _once._ A whole show without missing a note or fucking up the lyrics somehow! I can only put it down to her. It was her. I told myself before I went on stage that last night was for _her_. And just look at what effect that had on me! Sara ran over to me after the show and told me how amazing I had performed tonight. I have never seen her look so proud of me. I felt proud. I felt enlightened. I felt on top of the world. I felt like nothing could stop me. Although there was _something_ that could dampen this mood. It was the end of the tour. She was gone. She had left. I wasn't going to be seeing her again anytime soon.

She was probably on her way home now, just like I had been, but she was with her girlfriend. I was alone. I was alone with all these feelings that I didn't know what to do with, or how to process them. I had no one I could talk to about them either. The only person I want to talk to is her. I want to sit down and just talk. I want to know all about her. What she likes, what she doesn't, what job she does, what she does in her spare time? I want to know _her_. How she sees the world, what she's passionate about, her hopes and dreams...

We never got chance to sit and talk. We had this built up tension, which we both fed off, and that was so, _so_ good. Oh god, it was good...but I don't want her to think that's all it was. I don't want her to leave thinking it wasn't special to me, that it didn't mean something to me. Because it did. It really did.

I thought about the last few days for the whole flight home. It was the most frustrating flight I have ever been on. I felt like I had been strapped to that seat against my will to be taken far, far away from where I wanted to be. Back home. Vancouver. Where the weather is definitely reflecting my emotions. There's a coldness to the air. Just like there is within my heart. Maybe that's why I like it here. I can relate.

But I need something to make me warm again. _Or someone..._

A new friendship? A new girlfriend? A new something or someone to focus my attention on? Someone to warm my heart. Someone to get through the cool autumns and freezing cold winters with. I opened up the email containing that precious photo reminding me of the day I nearly kissed her. I nearly kissed her.

On reflection though, I am still not _entirely_ sure how I feel about it. Do I regret it? No. Of course I don't. It felt right, I _wanted_ to kiss her. But was it a good idea? Well, I'm not so sure it was, if I am honest. She is in a relationship. I am in a band and she is a fan. She already _has_ a girlfriend, and there's me coming on to her. Putting all other factors aside, how does that make me look!? Ugh. It makes me look like I have no respect for someone who is already in a relationship. I didn't ask her if I could kiss her, knowing she was already with someone else. I didn't ask if it was ok, if it was what she wanted? I just went ahead and pushed myself on to her. Oh god... I hope she doesn't think that.

On the other hand though, she _wanted_ me to. I could see it in her eyes. She wanted me as much as I wanted her in that moment, I could feel it radiating off her. I would not have done it, had I not got that vibe from her so strongly. Maybe I still should have asked her. Even though we got interrupted, we haven't even been able to talk about what happened, or should I say _nearly_ happened. We haven't had any time to really _talk_. So I don't know where I stand. I'm sure she doesn't either.

I should have been more careful. If Sara knew what had happened that day when we were by the stage, she would go mental. I would never hear the end of it Luckily she isn't the type to go around telling everyone. I had already made sure to check online to see if there was any gossip flying around, and I couldn't see anything I should be worried about. Luckily.

I slumped on the couch, looking at the photo I took of her. The only evidence I had that she had felt the same things as I had, when we shamelessly flirted with each other. The flustered look on her face. Absolutely priceless. I start to laugh out loud to myself. It makes me smile again. Maybe I should send her an email, a way to break the ice? I wish I could tell her what I am feeling. I wish I could know what she is feeling. I wish I could reassure her somehow. Who knows what she is even thinking right now. She has surely got to be confused though right? It can't just be me feeling this way? Maybe I should try and lighten the mood somehow. _I know..._   
  
  
********  
  
Well what can I say to sum up last night? I don't think there is a singular word in the English language that would sufficiently describe my feelings. Not one. Not three. Not three thousand.

I am sitting here in the airport. Waiting to board the plane home.

I looked up at the departures board. Our flight was still delayed. Fuck. Another hour to go. It had already been three 3 hours, so another 4 hours had been added on to our journey just to get back home. Exactly where I didn't want to be heading.

Home...

The thought fills me with sadness. I didn't want this to end. Why did it have to end? Why do all good things have to come to an end?

What an amazing couple of weeks. Ten shows. Ten shows across fourteen days. Ten was not enough. I could live life on the road; I _would_ live life on the road, if it meant I could do this on the regular. Ten shows and three meet and greets. Those three meet and greets. Tegan at those meet and greets. _Tegan_...

I started to wonder if I would see her again. If I did, would it be the same? Would it continue in the way things seemed to be going this time around? Or would it be back to, well, what was it even before all of this? I don't think my mind can go back to anything before the last couple of weeks. Did it all really happen? I have no one to turn around to ask if it did. No one knows. Only I know. And only Tegan knows...

I take out my phone, and click into my emails. I go to the 'sent' folder. Looking for the last email to be sent. It _was_ there. She _did_ email herself that god-awful photo she took of me. I had her email address. Whether it was hers or a shared one for both her and Sara, I had a way of contacting her. Not that I would be emailing, hah, no way. I couldn't do that. It wasn't my place to. I wouldn't know who would see it & even if I did, what would I say?! What _could_ I say to Tegan? I know what I wanted to ask her, but it was also something I would never bring myself to. She would probably think I'm crazy. Some crazy _fan_...

Sitting in this cold, hard plastic seat, waiting, just waiting around is killing me. My ass is starting to get numb, just like the feeling inside my heart. I am already becoming numb to everything around me again. Post tour depression always hits me hard. But I hadn't even boarded the plane yet and I was ready to withdraw myself from life and everything around me. My girlfriend grabbed my hand.   
"Hey. It's hitting you already huh?" she spoke gently with a caring tone, half expecting me to say no and make up some other excuse.   
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I just hate not knowing when the next tour is going to be, and this one has been unbelievable..."  
"Oh god, I'm so glad you said that! I've been feeling sad all morning! I didn't want to say anything incase you thought I was crazy! We had a blast huh?" she replied a little relieved.   
"Yeah, I won't be forgetting this one in a long time, if ever..." I zoned out, my mind piecing together the memories of the past few days & playing it back to me like I was watching a movie.   
  
"I know! They loved your art and basically offered you a job, and then Tegan sang to me at the last show! It was like a personal goodbye cos she's going to miss seeing me", she nudged me, all cocky. I had to stop myself from scoffing at her. Normally I would be green with envy, thinking it to be true. Wondering why she got that kind of attention and I didn't. But because my girlfriend is way more confident and cocky than I am, I wouldn't think twice that Tegan would find her attractive and flirt with her. But for some reason unknown to me, it wasn't her she had been singing to. It was me. _Me..._

I didn't know how I was going to move on from this tour. I didn't know how to move on from having Tegan's lips so close to mine.

After she sang those lyrics to me and dedicated the song to me, why was I still not full of confidence? Sure, when I was with her, I was definitely different. I _was_ confident. I was never that forward with _anyone_. She definitely bought out a whole new side to me. A side I never knew I had.

She bought out the person I wanted to be but was always too worried about what other people would think of me, to _be_ that person. With her I felt like I could be like that. I could be confident. I could be flirty. I could be cocky. I could be spontaneous. I could be witty. I could be all the things I wish I were, because she _wanted_ me to be those things. She gave me the confidence to let those things free from within. I wanted to be those things for _her_.

She knocked down my walls. The walls that kept those qualities hidden and trapped inside of me, she tore them down, exposing me to the world. Exposing me to her. It was refreshing. It was liberating. No one had ever made me feel like _anything_ was possible. Nothing was impossible: everything was possible.

I wanted to take this mentality forward. I wanted to apply it to my everyday life. I wanted to feel like this every day. I wanted someone to make me feel like this every day. I wanted her in my life every day. She has been the only person to ever make me feel like this.

Did she feel the same? Of course not. Was she thinking about me? Probably not. It was almost time to board, finally, after four hours of sitting around thinking about nothing but her.

I internally sighed, taking out my phone to kill the last 10 minutes, checking twitter and instagram for anything to take my mind off it for even just a couple of minutes. I opened my emails once again, not even knowing why; it wasn't long since I had last checked them.

_2 new emails..._

As I opened my inbox, I didn't expect see what I did. I blinked maybe two, three, four times and shook my head to make sure I wasn't seeing things. She had emailed...

 


	16. Chapter 16

I clicked on the email. Not knowing what words to expect to be written for my eyes to see. I held my breath as I read it.

_Hey,_ _  
I just wanted to check that I had your email details correct before you left. I'm not sure if you have already left? About to leave? Or home already? You could be on a plane right now, who knows! I wanted to say thanks for being a part of this tour with us. I had a really good time and I'm looking forward to working with you on some future artwork. Have a safe journey home. I'll be speaking with Sara in the next couple of days, so we can arrange something work-wise soon. Oh and thank you for the blushing photo too ;) I feel kinda bad for doing that, so I hope this makes up for it. See you soon ;)_

_Tegan x_

Underneath the email was an attachment. She didn't... She did _not_ just send me a photo did she? She did. I clicked to download it, as it slowly started to load on my screen, my heart did the opposite and started to speed up in anticipation.

It opened on my screen and I couldn't help but chuckle out loud, a comforting warmth spreading across my chest. Soothing my heart into a calm state again. It was the dorkiest selfie I had ever seen her take. Totally adorable. Ok that _did_ make up for the embarrassing photo she had of me.

It was crazy to think about it actually. She took a photo of herself with the intention of sending it to me. For _only_ me to see. She must trust me. For all she knows I could take that photo and go and post it online. But I'm not like that. I would never do that, and she must know that otherwise she wouldn't have sent it. It would be too risky. Is she trying to tell me something here? Is there some kind of subliminal message behind this carefully worded email and photo? If so, what could it be? This set my mind on a whole new tangent of thinking.

"Hey, it's time to board now, let's head home, I guess" my girlfriend said. I closed my emails, put my phone away in my pocket, grabbed my bag, and we walked towards the gate. Each step felt more and more of a struggle. Each step got heavier as I realized that each one of those steps that I took, was taking me further and further away from here and from _her_.

At least the whole process of boarding the plane, took my mind off things for at least a while. Before I knew it we were in the air, my girlfriend had already fallen asleep; I don't even know how she does that! I struggle to sleep day to day, never mind when I travel. Maybe she doesn't have a troubled mind like I do. I wonder what that feels like to be able to rest. To shut off from the world. To peacefully drift off into a dream and not have to deal with things. Waking up refreshed and ready for the day, with a clear mind.

For as long as I can remember I have always been troubled by _something_. Family troubles, relationship troubles, job troubles or just general everyday troubles. My mind never rests. I never really switch off. I am constantly over-thinking and analyzing everything. I wish there was a switch, I really do. Maybe one day I will find a way to turn off my brain, just for a few hours, while I can rest. Maybe that day will come only when I am truly happy...? And then I chuckled to myself as it dawned on me that I was probably going to be like this forever...

I looked out of the window, the sun starting to set. A beautiful orange glow as far as the eye could see, kissing the tips of the soft fluffy white clouds below. It looked so peaceful out there. Why couldn't I be out there? Instead of stuck in here, assigned to this seat, travelling further and further away each and every second that goes by. The distance increasing, just like the ache in my heart. I put my headphones in. Music usually helps to relax me, as I press 'shuffle' and gaze out of the small window into the distance, the first song to grace my ears, only made my heart ache more: _  
_

_"Won't you tell me what you want from me, don't you know that I'd walk across the sea, just to be with you, just to see it through..."_

Oh god...

Can I not get a break here?! Sighing, I listened to the lyrics and let my thoughts run away. Why I did this to myself I have no idea, but I let the music consume my soul, holding back tears that were ready to spill from my slept-deprived eyes, and my mind wandered back to thoughts before we boarded.

There was something about that email that screamed she was trying to tell me something. I took my phone and opened my photos. Before boarding the plane I had made sure to make a screenshot of the email. I knew I would be obsessively thinking about it, so I wanted to be able to read it over again, to try and make some kind of sense out of it.

She said she wanted to check that she had my email details, even though she had used them to send herself that photo. So she already knew that my email address was correct and that it worked...

Maybe she didn't want to just leave it as it was. I mean the last contact we had was that amazing hug. That was the last time we spoke and even then it wasn't a conversation. It wasn't talking about all the things we both felt that we should be talking about.

There was no time for us to discuss what was or wasn't happening. As much as we both wanted to put our minds at rest, we couldn't. How do you even bring up that conversation? What do you say? And as it was all happening, even if we had a chance to sit and talk and figure it out, would we have done? Or would we have carried on? Enjoying the tension between us, enjoying the playful flirting and feeling that attraction for each other. If so, would it have eventually just faded over time, had we been given more time together? Or would it have got to the point of no return? Would we have taken things further? If so, _then_ what would happen? Either way, I guess, it would have ended the same. We would have had to leave each other at some point and probably still been just as confused as to where to go from there. At least we had time to stop it getting out of hand. Maybe I didn't want it to stop. _  
_

_I didn't..._

Everything that I had ever thought I had wanted had been right there in front of me. The one thing I had wanted more than anything in the entire world, was her. It sounds silly because I don't know her. But my heart knows. My heart knows what it wants, and it's always been her. She had been right there, in my grasp, and yet I didn't take advantage of it. So here I was. The distance between us increasing by the second. It's like going back in time. The hands on the clock are being wound backwards and soon I will be back where I was, a little over two weeks ago. Although this time I won't be excited for what's to come. Because there is no tour, it has been and gone. All I am left with are these memories and as great as they are, I can't help but feel a heavy weight within my heart.

I re-read the email for the twentieth time. _See you soon ;)_

See you soon? I think back to the last time we spoke when we were in that room, saying our goodbyes. I remember those last words she said to me _"See you soon"._ It was the _way_ she said those words that struck me the most. She made sure to wink at me and said them with such confidence, like it was a promise almost. It wasn't just a quick goodbye, hope to see you soon kind of comment. It was an 'I _will_ see you again soon'. But how could it be? How could she promise that? How could she know we would see each other again? Even if she knew about future unreleased tour dates, there was no guarantee that I would be there, or get to meet them again.

But that was _something._ Right?

Those three words had been said more than once. Those three words were my hope. Those words were going to be my mantra to get through this. If anything, it was surely a sign to let me know that she _did_ want to see me again, right? A way of telling me she didn't regret anything. She enjoyed everything we shared, and wanted it to carry on if there was even a chance that it could. I thought about that possibility, holding on in hope that it was true.

As the music playing in my ears continued to provide me with songs and lyrics that have never felt more appropriate in relating to my life right now, I realized that all these songs _are_ the soundtracks to my existence. Each song was wrapped in a weighted meaning that I could relate to more than ever before. I knew there was a reason why I loved these songs; a reason why this playlist was always my 'go-to' playlist. It was made for this exact moment. This day, this hour, this minute, as I sit here reminiscing over the last few weeks. It was pieced together over years and years of listening to music. Songs from 1, 5, 10, 12 years ago all in one playlist. All mixed together, all different, but all the same in their meanings. I tried to focus on the positives, just enough to stop me from breaking down and enough to allow me to zone out for a while.

Where is my life going? In what direction will life lead me next? Where do I go from here? Will it lead me to her? _  
_

_"Now our signals breaking up, a satellite is not enough, please don't find another love, when I'm away..."_

 


	17. Chapter 17

The rest of the flight was uneventful. My girlfriend slept peacefully throughout it, as I internally cross-examined my thoughts another few hundred times before I eventually drifted off. I wasn't really sleeping, I was just so exhausted my body and brain gave up for an hour or so.

I woke up as we started to descend. I almost didn't want the wheels to touch the ground. I didn't want to be home. I wondered what Tegan would be doing right now. Probably peacefully asleep in a warm comfy bed...just where I would love to be... _right next to her..._

Maybe I should email her back. It's the least I could do to let her know I have got back safely. It was all I thought about the whole drive home. I thought about what I could write, what I should say to her, and how to word it. I couldn't just come straight out and say what is on my mind. I had to be safe with it. I had to protect myself and also protect her.

For all I knew she was over whatever happened between us already. I had to play it cool, but still also making her aware of how I feel. She needed to know, even if it is just peace of mind for me, to get it off my chest. If she knew that it wasn't just an on-tour endeavor then she can she can do with that as she pleases. It will hopefully prevent any confusion going forward. Whatever going forward will entail.

I just hoped with every fibre in my body that she felt for me what I thought she did. She made me feel like I was the only person in that room, she was so warm and caring and even though I only spent a brief amount of time with her, I knew my love for her over the years had grown so strong for a reason. She is every bit as special as I imagined she would be, and I still don't even truly know her. I can't even imagine how amazing use is once you truly get to know her.

She had so many inviting qualities that proved I was right to want to give her my heart and my everything. She made me feel like nothing was more important to her than being with me at that moment in time. She was focused solely on me and what I was saying and what I was doing. She took everything in, looking at me with respect and admiration. Truthfully, that was something I had never expected.

When you look up to someone for years and you fall for them in ways you don't imagine you ever could, you build up this expectation of how they will be and more importantly how you _want_ them to be. Most of the time you end being bitterly disappointed, because you thought they would be something more than they are offering to you. I half expected Tegan to be like that. Not because she isn't a lovely person, a kind person, a caring person. But more because of the nature or her job. It's a huge part of her job to meet fans and interact with so many different types of people that it would be easy to think it's just like learning a script. Say this; ask that, smile and the jobs done, on to the next. She must meet so many different people every day, every week, every month, so I never expected her to find something in me that would actually interest her. But she did see something. I know she did because she made me _feel_ it. No one has ever looked at me in the way that she did. That _look_...

It gives me chills just thinking about it. Even though it was nothing but warmth emitting from her eyes and a fire burning within them, it gave me chills. I had never felt so wanted.

As I pulled up to the place I called my home, my stomach flipped in disappointment. I'm sure I would feel better after a long overdue sleep. It was a miracle I had made the drive back from the airport without the need to pullover and rest my eyes. It seemed that my thoughts had kept me awake enough to get us home safely. I dropped my bag in the hallway and rushed upstairs to take a quick shower. _I really should email her..._

As the hot water kissed my skin, washing away the hours of travel down the drain, I started to feel much better. The steam clouded around me as I stood still, not moving just allowing the heat to burn my skin. It was the best sensation to hit my body since that moment she leaned in to kiss me.

My stomach flipped just reminiscing about that moment...there was no time for _that_... I needed sleep. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I stepped out of the shower. I walked over to it. Looking at my face. I looked sleep-deprived. I needed a vacation from my vacation! How did she even find me attractive? I studied my features, trying to keep an open mind, I couldn't see it. I couldn't see why she would find me attractive enough to want to kiss me in the way she so clearly wanted to...

I picked up my phone. It was time. I had to email her back. **  
**

**TEGAN POV:**

I kept checking my phone. I refreshed my emails every 5 minutes and was all I did for the remainder of the day. How sad.

I always found the first few days after being on tour strange. There was no structure to my day. I didn't need to be anywhere; I didn't need to do anything. There was no itinerary. Nobody needed me to be somewhere. Nobody needed me to be doing something. There was no momentum to keep me going. I decided a shower and a nap would do me the world of good. I needed some to stimulate me, so a cold shower would surely do the job. Despite the weather outside being anything but warm, I stepped into the shower, wincing at the cold spray beating against my skin. Goosebumps erupted over my body as I took the body wash in one hand and rubbed it into a lather all over my body. It felt really good. I thought the cold water would freeze my thoughts for at least the length of the shower, but it didn't. It only made me wonder why I was here still alone and why there was no one who I could share this shower with me.

I have been single for a while. It's something I still haven't got used to. It hits me most when I'm not on tour, not on the road, not working, because that's when I am truly alone. When I am out on tour, people surround me, so I never feel alone. Romantically I do, but at least I have the company of my sister, the crew, our whole touring team and also the fans. When that is all taken away, that's the time I want nothing more than someone of my own. Someone to talk to, laugh with, hold hands with, share kisses with, someone to touch, someone to touch me, someone to love that loves me back...

When I find myself having these thoughts, I never have anyone in particular in mind. There hasn't been anyone that has had an effect on me for a long time. My last relationship didn't turn out how I imagined it would. Ever since then, I haven't felt a connection that has sparked my heart back into life. That is until now. I pictured her face, as I stood there under the stream of water. It shocked me. She really did have a hold on me, and that realization shocked me. I never expected for it to happen like this. I still didn't know if this was love, or just attraction. But whatever it was, it was consuming me. It was taking over my thoughts and it worried me because it was not a situation I could control.

I rinsed away the suds and stepped out to dry myself off. I put on some fresh sweats and an old band tee and made my way to the kitchen to grab a beer. I was so grateful that I had my mom live not too far away so she could stock up my kitchen with food and drink for when I arrived back home after a tour. The last thing I felt like doing was getting ready to go out and get groceries.

I clicked on the TV and settled down on the couch, hoping I would drift off into a peaceful sleep. The screen on my phone lit up and I could see a few notifications. Sara had text me, asking if she could call. Then I had 2 missed calls from her. The most recent was informing me I had a new email.

I knew it would be Sara forwarding on some details of up and coming meetings, interviews and business dealings. As I opened the inbox I was surprised to see that it wasn't. She had replied...

_Hey :)_ _  
Thank you for the email. I hope you had a safe journey home? I have just got back myself. We were delayed for 4 hours, so when I got your email I was actually still in the airport just about to board. Longest day ever! I hope your journey was much more enjoyable. Thank you for the photo! You were right; it does help make up for it. Although knowing you still have that photo of me still makes me squirm. Which I'm sure you are grinning about right now, I'm right aren't I? ;) So you still owe me! You don't need to thank me for being a part of the tour; I enjoyed every single second of it. Well, apart from the journey home! Everything else was, well, I can only describe it as a dream. I am still pinching myself that it happened. So thank you. Thank you for making it so memorable._

_I will forward some more of my work in the next day or so, once I attempt to settle back in to normal everyday life again! I look forward to anything you and Sara might have planned._

_Thank you again for everything. You have no idea how much it still means to me. xxx_

I read the email about 5 times over with the biggest smile to grace my face since the last show of the tour. I took a deep breath and a swig of beer. I knew it wouldn't be the reply that my heart was secretly wishing for. For her to express how much the tour and our time together was playing on her mind, causing her an internal battle of wanting to know what it all meant. It was just as carefully worded as mine had been to her. But I could see there was an underlying message in there somewhere. I just needed to read between the lines.

" _So you still owe me!"_

She was still bringing that feistiness that I have to admit I am a total sucker for. I picture her face as if she was saying those words to me, like she was standing in front of me. A wink adorning her face, her lips slightly pouting, tempting me to edge closer and closer, like a moth to a flame. Just close enough to get a taste of her, before moving in to ravish her...

I shook my head, taking another swig of beer. I needed to focus.  
The last sentence was what intrigued me the most. _"You have no idea how much it still means to me"._

She used the present tense in that sentence. Not past tense, like it meant a lot to her 'at the time'. _Present_ tense, like it _still_ means a lot to her, like she is _still_ thinking about it. My heart leapt inside of my chest. Was that a sign? I think it was. Why would she have said it in that way otherwise? She wanted to let me know how she felt about everything that happened between us, without straight out saying it, because for all she knows I don't feel the same. _Well, be prepared to be surprised yet, girl..._

I downed the rest of my beer. Placed it on the coffee table in front of me. It was time to make a move on this. No time like the present. Let's get the ball rolling. I was as ready as I would ever be. I picked up my phone... _Here goes..._

 


	18. Chapter 18

**TEGAN POV:**

I dialed the only number I knew off by heart.

"Hey, about time, why didn't you answer my calls?" Sara answered on the second ring.  
"Hey Sar, I'm sorry, I was in the shower, so what did you want to talk to me about?"  
"A cold shower by any chance? Oh Tee, you are so predictable sometimes, you really need to get yourself laid..."  
"Hey! It's an end of tour tradition! It helps to clear my head. It has nothing at all to do with whether I need to get laid or not" I replied, still shocked at how well Sara knows me.   
"Yeah, whatever Tee. I could see how wound up you were on tour, you need to get it out your system before you start flirting with every attractive fan who smiles at you...-"  
"I was not... _flirting_...I just enjoyed her company is all" I interrupted her before she took it any further and I would have to keep deflecting.

"Anyway" she continued, "I called you to ask about this collaboration we have been contacted about-" as Sara talked over the details, I started to wonder what would happen if I _did_ get together with this girl. What would Sara say? What would she do? I'd hope she wouldn't be too judgmental and scare her off. I know she would only be looking out for me, but also doing what was best for the band. I didn't want to cause any problems, but if there was something there between us, I don't think I could stop it, not just for that reason alone. Not that I even know if I actually have a chance with her...

We talked business for over an hour, arranging times and places to schedule appointments, meetings, studio time and interviews. We had the next leg of our tour to confirm and all the marketing we had to make a start on for that too. We decided that Sara was to fly to Vancouver in a couple of week's time so we could sit down and talk about all the finer details.   
"In regards to the marketing and merch for the next tour, I have an idea- " I added. Before I could even carry on my sentence, Sara interrupted, "I know what you're going to say and yes, I think we should get her involved in this. My only concern is how are we going to do it? We really need to sit down with her and brainstorm some ideas to see what she can bring to the table but we can't expect her to come all this way-"

"That's true, but we won't know unless we ask her, right? So maybe we should? I mean if she was able to come here then it would make things much easier, and if not we can work out how we should do it. If she _is_ able to take time off to come here, we could pay for her travel costs, and we can sort out any other financial outgoings once we know if she can actually do it or not? I have her email and told her we would be in touch once-"  
"Aha I see, so you have already spoken to her then? Geez Tee, a little eager are we?" She chuckled.   
"I just wanted to thank her, you know and to let her know we would be in touch soon. I'm sure she probably still thinks its all a dream or something!"

"Tee, you don't have to lie to me. I'm your sister; remember I know you better then anyone. I know you have a thing for her. And don't deny it, I'm not going to judge you Tee, just-" she paused, "talk to me about it, I know something is on your mind..." I sat there, and for the first time in I can't remember how long, I felt nervous talking to my own sister.

I can talk to Sara about anything. She has always been there for me, ever since I can remember. And it's true, she has never judged me. She may not always agree with my decisions, but she has never made me feel bad for making one. Maybe it would help if I spoke to her about it. I could do with getting it off my chest and hearing someone else's point of view might help me sort out these feelings.  
  
"Ok, Sar, I'll admit it. After the break-up, I didn't think it was possible for me to ever feel like this again. My heart was damaged more than I ever thought it would be. Over time it only got worse. I never said anything to you, because I didn't want you to worry, but it really did mess me up. And there is just something about her. I don't even know what it is, but I can't stop thinking about her. She makes me feel _alive_ again. It's been so long since I felt like this, but I'm just not sure what to do..."

"Wow, Tee, I had no idea, I know you didn't want to worry me, but you still should have talked to me. Never feel like you can't ok? I'm your sister; I only want you to be happy. With that being said, are you sure that she could or would make you happy? I mean you seem like you are in two minds about it all, and without meaning to be judgmental, it's not the best situation to put yourself in. Of all the people..." I knew where she was going with this and I didn't want to hear it again.

"I can't help how I feel Sar! I have tried to ignore it, I have tried to just see it as a one-time 'on tour' thing that happened, but the more I try to see it like that, the sadder it makes me. Why should I have to dismiss it because of the situation we're in? We can't help who we are attracted to, we can't help who we have feelings for and we can't help who we fall in love with. If we could then I wouldn't have wasted all those years with someone who never really felt the same as I did. All I want is for someone to love me, like I will love them; like I am the only person in their universe-"

"Tee, I get that, I totally get that, but this is exactly my point, you are not the only person in _her_ universe. She has a girlfriend, remember? And she has a life that you know nothing about. You don't know her. I'm not trying to say what you're feeling is wrong, I would never do that, but you have to be careful. She is not yours to take. As much as I would love for you to have that someone to be your one and only, I just worry that you are looking in the wrong place. I mean how do you even know she would feel the same?" Sara enquired, speaking so softly to try and soothe the raging battle inside of my head.

"We nearly kissed," I admitted, my voice weighted with guilt as I dropped my head expecting an outburst. I expected to hear harsh words echo down the phone line at me. I expected her to be disappointed with me. What I didn't expect was her actual reaction.

"Oh Tee... Holy shit...When? Where?! What happened?"  
"It was when we invited them back after the meet and greet, it was actually you who interrupted us-"  
"Omg, when you were by the side of the stage?! I did wonder why you were hidden behind all the equipment-"  
"It wasn't planned or anything. She actually _was_ looking at my guitar, and we were just talking about her work and, well it kind of built up to this point where it just felt right, you know?"

I chose my words carefully. I didn't want Sara to think I had planned a kiss all along because I hadn't.

"And did she go to kiss you back? How do you know she didn't want to just kiss you because you are _who_ you are?" Sara bought up a very valid point that anyone outside of the situation I found myself in with this girl, would be sure to bring up. But I knew it wasn't like that. I know what I saw in her eyes. I know what her body language was telling me. I could feel the connection. So that's what I told her.

We talked for another half an hour, and I re-lived the whole experience once again, only this time I had Sara talking me through it. As I came to the end of explaining what happened, what was said and how I felt about it all, I did feel relieved. For the first time since before the tour, I felt at peace with my thoughts because I knew that someone else knew what had happened.

"Look Tee, there's nothing I can say that will change your mind, or prevent you from falling for her, if that's what your heart wants to do. I will never stand in the way of your happiness, you know that, but I think I should at least try to control this situation from getting out of hand like it so easily could do. I don't think it is such a good idea her coming here after all. Not yet, Not so soon. With what you have told me, I don't think it's a good idea for you both to be thrown into that kind of situation. Maybe some distance will help you both realize what it is you both want. If it turns out that it _is_ each other, then so be it. But rushing into something so quickly and under such unique circumstances, could be dangerous, and I don't want you to get hurt-"

I understood. I totally understood where she was coming from. Sara was always the voice of reason, but I'll be damned if I'll just sit here and do nothing about this. I need to know if there is something there sooner rather than later. My mind won't rest until I know if there could be something between us.

"Sar, how do you think that is going to help me? I am going insane here because I don't know if there is something or not. Having a huge distance between us isn't going to soothe that ache. I just need to be around her. And not so I can jump in straight away and kiss her. I just want to get to know her on both a professional level, which is why her working for us is a blessing, and also on a more personal level, just a friendship. I'm not expecting for us to fall into each others arms as soon as we are alone together, but by not communicating or working together, how are we supposed to see what this is?"

"But us working with her isn't meant to be so you can see how you feel about her. This is about her talent as an artist and what she can bring to us and our band going forward. I don't want any complications or possible feelings to manipulate or jeopardize any decisions in that sense," Sara explained.   
"No, I get that Sar, you know I only want what is best for us. I wouldn't jeopardize our career over something like this. I promise you that my intentions as far as hiring her to do some work for us, is purely for _that_ reason. It honestly is. My feelings for her have come on since we made that decision together and have nothing to do with me wanting us to see what she can create for us artistically."

I spoke from the heart; I opened up to my sister more than I ever have before. She deserved to know how I felt. If we were going to go forward I wanted her to trust me. Whatever happens, I will never put our career in danger. It's not just my life; it's Sara's too.

I knew I had to be careful, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be. Especially if anything _did_ happen, because I know Sara would be there to make sure of it. If you are not moving forward in life, you are just standing still, right? Who wants to stand still when there is so much more to discover? So many things to experience. I was tired of standing still, or worse than that, I was tired of feeling like I am going backwards, holding on to the past and not getting past it. It was time to move forward. Whatever the future holds, at least I can embrace it with open arms.

I can only hope that those open arms will hold that certain someone...The conversation came to an end, we said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch with new developments.

It was time. It was finally time. It was time to get things moving...

 


	19. Chapter 19

It had been a couple of days since I had emailed Tegan with more of my work. It felt like it had been a couple of weeks. I shouldn't have expected an immediate response, but, well, my heart was hoping for one. I was back at work, back to routine, back to normality I guess. I had yet to unpack though. I couldn't face it. I couldn't bear myself to look at all the mementos from the trip, the souvenirs, the new merch, the memories encased deep inside every piece of clothing. I felt like as soon as I unpacked my belongings, that was the point it was all officially over. I didn't want that. If it wasn't over in my heart, it wasn't over yet.

I had just finished another day at work. Only my second day since being back and it already felt like I had never left in the first place. As I walked back to my car, headphones pushed deep inside my ears, I took pleasure in the music filling my head with some of my favorite songs. I always found it difficult not to sing out loud when walking down the street. A little shuffle every now and again to the beat threatened to spill, but never did, I was always too self-conscious. I'm not even sure why, as I really didn't care about any of the random faces that walked on passed me.

Since being back from the tour, I had so many people asking for me to share photos and videos from each show, that I had turned off my notifications. I couldn't handle that right now. It was still too fresh. My girlfriend and I were both struggling from post tour depression. I couldn't even bring myself to tell her that Tegan had emailed me. She would only want to see it and even though it would probably read innocent to your average person, I was worried incase she spotted something. I also felt weird about showing her. It wasn't meant for anyone else's eyes but mine. It was written to _me_. That made me feel incredibly guilty however, like I was hiding some dirty secret, which I guess in a way, I was. I had flirted with another woman. I had nearly kissed another woman. I had nearly cheated on my girlfriend. The fact I hadn't didn't make it any less horrible. It didn't make _m_ e any less horrible, or any less of a cheater. Whether I had actually cheated or not was irrelevant. I had _thought_ about and almost acted on it.

The drive back home was a daze. Sitting in rush hour traffic, making my journey 3 times as long as it normally would, was putting me into a numb state. By the time I had reached my front door, all I wanted was a cold beer. I needed a pick me up. So I grabbed a cold beer and picked up my phone, inviting some friends around later for a few drinks. I had to stop beating myself up about everything. This was life. If I didn't make the most of it, then what was the point? I had to get on with life. I grabbed a shower, and fixed myself up ready for company. My girlfriend would be back any minute now. I sit down, and decide to refresh my emails, to ease my mind just before I let myself go for the evening. And there was one...

_"Hey,  
Thank you for the work you sent over, we both loved the pieces you sent us. I'm sorry that I haven't replied to you until now, but Sara and I have been making some plans regarding putting together some possible work for you. We haven't announced anything yet, but we do have another tour lined up in a couple of month's time, and we would really like for you to help us come up with some art for it. We have spoken about how we would like to work it and we thought it would be best if we could all get together to discuss it in person. We know it is a lot to ask, but we wondered if you would be able to come to Vancouver for a few days in a week's time, to meet with Sara and I and we could work on something together._

_We will of course pay for your travel and accommodation costs and we can finalize the details once we know if you can do it. We realize this will involve you taking more time off from your job at short notice, so if there is anything we can do to help, just let us know._ _  
If you aren't able to get the time off, we will try to arrange something else. We look forward to hearing back from you, and if it's good news we can start making arrangements._  
 _Speak to you soon, Tegan."_

My jaw dropped at the same speed as my phone as it slipped from my grasp and hit the floor. _Holy shit..._ Did I just get a job offer from Tegan and Sara? Not just _any_ job offer, one that involves me flying out to Vancouver to meet with them? Is this a joke?! Is this real life? At that moment my girlfriend walked through the door. I ran to her, pushing the phone into her hands, "Read that!" was all I could force out. I was in complete shock. My heart was leaping around my chest, so much so that I was out of breath. I watched her face as she read the words I had just read. Her eyes growing wider by the second. "Are you fucking kidding me? OH MYYY GOD! The have basically offered you a free trip to Vancouver to work with them?!" She pulled me in for a hug, kissing me with so much pride and I couldn't help but smile through it.

"So it really does say that then? I thought I was seeing things! This is so unbelievable!" We read it over again, talking about the possibility of it actually happening. I worried what work would say about it. I had vacation days left, but I had only just returned from our trip, so they didn't have to grant me more time off with such short notice, if they didn't want to. "Well, this is reason enough to celebrate! Grab those beers, and let's get this night going!"

Shortly after our friends arrived. They had no idea why we were both so happy, and we couldn't tell them because we had to keep it between ourselves. I distanced myself away from the conversation and made my way to the bathroom. I needed a breather. I took out my phone so I could read the email one more time... __  


1 Unread Email:

_Hey :)  
I wanted to send you another email, as I felt the last one was a little impersonal. That was more business related, this one is a little more personal :)I'm sorry you had an awful journey home, mine was uneventful but I still couldn't relax. I never have like flying by myself. Company always makes me feel at ease...I'm glad you liked the photo, and yes, I **was** grinning, that photo makes me smile everyday ;)_

_I really hope you can make it to Vancouver, it's a really cool city, and I'm sure you could get some great inspiration for your work when you're here. I'd love to show you around and take you to some of my favorite places._ _  
I look forward to hearing back from you with your answer so Sara and I can make some plans :)Tegan x_  
  
Oh. My. God. _Did she really just write me again?_ That was it. Nothing was going to stop me. I had to go to Vancouver. I needed to go to Vancouver. There was no way I was missing out on this opportunity... **  
**

**  
TEGAN POV:**

  
It felt wrong to just email in such a business-like way, but I couldn't mix business with pleasure. Especially not now that Sara knows what almost happened between us. I had to keep it professional. That didn't mean that I also couldn't keep it personal on the side however. I didn't want her to think that that was it, now we had parted. I had tried to subtly tell her, and I had hoped it was working. I guess once she gets to Vancouver, we will both find out what it is between us. I still wanted to tempt her but not give too much away. After all we don't know how we will get on together.

I sat there with another beer in hand, wondering what she was doing at this exact moment. I wonder if she's seen the email yet. I wonder if she's seen the second email. I was impatient. All I wanted was to know if she was coming here. I hoped more than anything that she could. I believe that if it is meant to be, it will be. I guess that is why I am so on edge about hearing back from her. My fate is in somebody else's hands and I hate knowing that such an important decision that could shape the forthcoming weeks, months, years, isn't something I can control. I text Sara to let her know I had been in touch and now we just had to wait for her response.  
  
I looked around my apartment, trying to picture her here. I imagined her sitting next to me on the couch, as we talk for hours, drinks in hand and music on low. I imagined her walking over to my kitchen to grab more drinks. I imagined her sitting down at the breakfast table working on some art, talking me through her reasons behind it. I imagined taking her out for a coffee first thing on a brisk Vancouver morning and then out to dinner later that evening. As just friends or maybe more of a date? I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was that I wanted to do it and I wanted her to enjoy being here with me. My mind wandered, and I started to make plans of where I wanted to take her, and what I wanted to do while she was here...

_Hmmm, what would I like to do with her...?_


	20. Chapter 20

As much as my head was pounding from all the alcohol last night, I couldn't wait to get to work. The possibility of me going to Vancouver to work with Tegan and Sara was the best kind of hangover cure. Well, if I can get the time off that is. If I can't then I am in for one hell of a hangover, which may take more than just a few days to get over. The walk to work was one I will always remember. This could be the very start of something new. This could be a whole new chapter in my life. This could be the making of me. It could also be the breaking of me. I had decided that whatever the outcome, I was determined to get on that plane. There was no way I could miss out on an opportunity like this. It's not every day that something like this happens, right?

I took a deep breath, as I knocked on the office door. I stepped in the office and was greeted by my boss with a smile. He gestured for me to sit in the seat opposite him. As I explained my situation, I got more and more nervous. My palms were sweaty. My temperature was through the roof. The next part of my life was about to be determined either the easy way, or the hard way. I sat there, waiting for those few words that would change everything, and when they came there was no relief...

It was as I had expected. I couldn't be granted the time off. Because it was only next week they couldn't allow me any paid time off, even though I had vacation days left. It was a tough blow to take. It was the toughest blow I think I have ever taken. It was literally my dream come true in the hands of someone else and they had just rejected it. I couldn't blame my boss. I know they had guidelines and rules they had to follow and to abide by, but it didn't make it any less heartbreaking that I couldn't go. I wouldn't be sitting down with Tegan and Sara drinking coffee and talking about ideas, working through some designs and experiencing a city I have never been to before. Not only that, but having Tegan as my guide? From what she said in that email, she wanted to take me around and show me the place she calls her home. Who can say that? Who is lucky enough to experience that? Not me it seems...

I wasn't really sure what I could do, but I had to think on my feet. This was my only chance to change the outcome. It wasn't like I could quit my job. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to do anyway, just for a few days with Tegan and Sara, but that's how much it means to me. I couldn't do that because I needed the money. The last tour was going to take me months and months to pay off already, so losing my job would only get me in deep trouble for not just months but years and years. I couldn't lose a regular income, but maybe I could lose a little...

I put forward the idea for me to take unpaid leave. I wouldn't come in to work and so they wouldn't have to pay me for it. But, when I came back I would still have my job. This was my last chance. It's not like I could even call in sick for a week and pretend I was off ill, now that I had already asked for the time off, they would know it was for this trip and that would get me into all kinds of trouble. I would also feel really bad about lying. I would much rather not get paid for it as long as I could have the time off. I can honestly say that in that room, I bared my soul to my boss. I told him just how much this opportunity means to me. It's not something that happens everyday. The doubts started to outweigh the little hope that I had left. I actually started to seriously consider quitting my job, thinking that there was no way I would be granted the time and despite my earlier reservations that I shouldn't do something so dramatic. Yeah it was probably stupid, but there would be other jobs. Why give up a dream for a job I didn't care about? One word was all it would take. One simple word.

"Okay."  
"Okay?!" I questioned.   
"Yes, okay. You can take the time off. I will have to clear it with head office, but as it is under unexpected circumstances, and you _do_ have vacation time left, it should be no problem to allow you the time. It will be noted on your file for future reference incase we need it, so as long as you are happy with not being paid, then all you have to do it let me know the dates and I can note it down and also inform payroll too."

I sat there glued to my seat. I actually couldn't believe that this _was_ going to happen.  
I was going to Vancouver...

I jumped up and shook his hand with the biggest smile on my face.   
"Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me!" He laughed as he shook my hand, "I think I have a good enough idea. You just make sure you work hard until you go and please, don't mention it to any other members of staff, I don't want it to become something people feel they can ask as an alternative option."  
"Sure, no problem! I will do! Thank you again!" As I closed the door behind me it dawned on me. I was going to Vancouver. I was also going to seriously struggle for cash at the end of the month, but I was going to Vancouver! Fuck everything else, I'd have to figure that out somehow, but right now, it was time to get back to work, before I could head home and really start to make plans.

Now I had just 7 hours to get through. I guess that's plenty of time to think of how I'm going to reply to _both_ of those emails...

On my lunch break, I let my girlfriend know that I got the go ahead...in a way, and told her I would tell her all about it later. I'm sure she will be super happy for me, I just know that me not getting paid for a week, will cause some problems next month financially. I guess that's something we will need to discuss. In all honesty though, right this second, I didn't give a shit. I was going to Vancouver...

After a very long discussion, we had sorted out a plan for next month's finances. It wasn't an easy conversation. My girlfriend wasn't happy that I had offered to take unpaid leave. It left us in a bit of a tight spot, ok a _major_ tight spot, but wouldn't she have done the same? Maybe. Maybe not. But she can never relate to this situation in the same way I do. She's not an artist. She doesn't understand the feeling of pure ecstasy when the work you have put so much time and effort into is recognized by the very people you create it for. Nothing can beat that. Nothing. Nothing at all. The very idea of me travelling to Vancouver to work with Tegan and Sara is still so surreal, and I'm sure it hasn't really sunk in yet. In about a week's time, I will be leaving here for Canada. How is that even a thing?! I emailed Tegan back and sat there with a huge smile on my face as my thoughts wandered. _  
_

_"Hey :)  
Awww you don't like flying alone? It doesn't bother me all that much. Which I guess is a good thing... because I will be making that flight over to Vancouver next week! I haven't been able to wipe the smile off of my face today :) All I need to know are the dates so I can tell my boss for the paperwork and I'm good to go. I'm not sure what details you need from me, but just let me know. I'm looking forward to seeing the city you live in and I will be such a typical tourist you'll probably want to just leave me behind somewhere along the way! I want to see everything there is to see, so I hope you are ready for me? ;) Just know that I will have a camera permanently attached to my hand, and I definitely plan to make sure I get a better photo of you that I can use it against you. I still haven't forgiven you for that photo you took of me...;)_ __  
Ok, so I will reply to the other email with some information and a few questions I have and we can take it from there. I guess I **will** be seeing you soon... xxx"

Within a couple of minutes I had already received a reply from her:

_"I told you I would see you soon... ;) x"_  
Ok, still playing that game huh Tegan? I replied once again...  
  


**TEGAN POV:**

I re-read her email for what must be the twentieth time over the past few days... _  
"Haha so you did. It's almost like it was planned all along...So, do you always get what you want or am I making this too easy for you? ;)Maybe I need to make you work a little harder..."_

Damn...My heart skips a beat each and every time I read it. She's still got that edge. The edge that draws me in and leaves me hanging. I still don't know if she's serious about any of it, but I love it all the same.

This little game we have going on, is keeping me going right now. I decided that my response should be the last one until she leaves for Vancouver. We needed to start off on the right foot. I'm sure it was going to be strange enough her visiting a whole new place by herself, where she is going to be working with me and Sara. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed by this tension we have. It may even fade once we have spent a little time together, who knows? Most importantly I don't want her to feel awkward or pressured in any way. I would never want that.

She was coming _here_. It was happening. And in only a couple of days time. All plans have been made and finalized. She will arrive here in a couple of days. Her flight and hotel have been booked, and I have told her there will be a taxi to pick her up from the airport. Little does she know, I will be there waiting inside the taxi, while the driver waits for her in arrivals and brings her to the car. I'm hoping that will be a nice surprise for her after a long flight. As it will be her first time in a new city, I didn't want her to be taken straight to the hotel and be all by herself. So I thought it might be a nice welcome. I hope she thinks so too.

I couldn't wait to show her my home. One more day...

_"It's almost like it was planned all along..."  
Girl, have I got a few plans in mind..._

 


	21. Chapter 21

Had I really said that to her? " _Maybe I need to make you work a little harder..."_  
I re-read Tegan's response over and over again, pinching myself until I had sore red marks on my wrist. _  
_

_"Well, I like a challenge...Work hard, play hard...;)"_

It had been a few days since I received that email, and as much as I wanted to reply, I thought it was best that I didn't. I was going to see her soon. Well, my flight was tomorrow. I was going to be flying to Vancouver _tomorrow_. Where did the week go?! I threw myself into work, working any overtime I could get, doing anything to make up for the week I was going to miss out on. My girlfriend had taken me shopping a couple of times, to get some new things to take with me. I was going to be spending a lot of time with Tegan and Sara, so I had to make sure I looked my best at all times. It was going to be like an extended meet and greet. _Holy shit..._

It was starting to sink in now, that I was going to be spending a lot of time with them. What was I going to say? What if I didn't have anything to say? What if they didn't like me? What if I didn't have any good ideas? What if I disappoint them? What if I end up wasting their time and their money? How could I face them again after that? Oh god the pressure...

All these thoughts were rushing through my head as I was putting the last few things into my case. All that was left was my hand luggage and to print my plane tickets.

My girlfriend walked in and could see that I was deep in thought.   
"Don't worry, they will love you," she said confidently.  
"You can't be sure of that. What if I fail? What if I don't have any good ideas? What if they don't like what I do?" I was getting myself into a panic and I knew that I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight if I didn't calm myself down.

"You won't fail. If they didn't already think you we good enough they wouldn't have asked you to do some work for them, never mind _invite_ you to go and work with them." She did have a point.   
"I guess so, it's just everything I have done so far has been at my own pace. I'll just randomly get an idea and work on it. Sometimes it's hours, days or weeks just on one piece until I get it right. I have a few days with them and I know its probably going to be different from what I normally create but what if I can't do it..."

"Hey, hey, listen...your art is amazing, Tegan and Sara clearly think so too, and I'm sure they are not expecting you to come up with a finished piece there and then. Didn't the email say it was to discuss ideas anyway? They are super nice and I'm sure they won't expect too much from you. They chose _you_ remember." Another good point.

I guess what I was mostly worried about, was how Tegan will be around me. I was worried that she wouldn't be the same with me as she was before. I was worried things might be a little awkward between us. I was worried that things might continue as they were on tour. I was worried if things were going to go any further. I was worried how it would all affect me. I was worried about my feelings and most of all I was worried about getting hurt. One way or another, my feelings were going to take a hit. I just hoped that in the long run, it would be worth it...

My case was packed, my tickets printed, it was now time to sort out my laptop, get everything I may need to design with, and sort out some music. This music was important. It was bound to be the soundtrack for the next chapter in my life, for the _rest_ of my life. Everything that I listened to from this moment on, would always link back to what I was about to experience. This time in my life. It was scary to know whether this would be a good thing, or a bad thing. The unknown is scary. There's only one-way to find out which it's going to be, and that is to live it. I was ready. I opened a beer to celebrate the start of this journey, and took out my phone. I really should email Tegan back...

**TEGAN POV:**

I had run around my apartment at least 3 times checking that everywhere was spotless. The kitchen was gleaming, the living room was cozy and inviting, all the bedding was clean, and the spare bedroom was cleaner than I had ever seen it. Cleaner than when I first moved in! I wanted to make sure she would feel comfortable, and at home here. I also knew that Sara is really weird about this kind of thing and if we will be here discussing work, then it needed to be flawless. I had filled the kitchen with food and plenty of drink. I didn't know what she liked, so I got a bit of everything for her to choose from. Beers and whisky are always a good bet. That's what Sara and me usually drink anyway. I remember her drinking that beer when we were backstage when she decided to laugh at my frustration. Oh yes. I remember that. _You see if I don't get you back for that..._

As I looked around one last time, before leaving to pick up a few more things from the store, my phone beeped. I grabbed it off the coffee table. _  
___  
1 Unread Email:

_"Hey Tegan,  
Sorry I didn't reply to your last email sooner. All I can say to that is; it seems we might just live by the same motto...;)I am packed and ready. I'm about to get some sleep before an early get-up to head to the airport. So I guess, I might see you tomorrow? I will let you know as soon as I land and I have reached the hotel. See you soon xx"_

Oh my god...

I had internally scolded myself over that last email. I worried that I may have pushed it a little too far as I hadn't heard back from her and I was kicking myself for saying what I had, knowing that we would be meeting again soon. Her response though... Her response was just what I needed. It was still there. That connection was still there. All I could hope for was that it was still there when we saw each other tomorrow. _Tomorrow..._

I still felt like I had so much more to do, so I quickly replied to her, grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I lay in bed as my phone lit up the room.

1 Unread Email:

" _Well, we'll have to see how hard we can work you then, to make your trip worthwhile... ;)Is there anything specific you need us to get for you? Any tools that help you create your art to save you bringing too much with you? Sara told me to ask if you needed us to get you a specific type of laptop so you can use it while you are here to design on? If you can let me know as soon as you can, and well, I guess I will see you soon ;)Tegan x"_

Not only had I been offered a job with them, but they had paid for my trip over there and were offering to buy my equipment too? This was insane. I couldn't believe my eyes. There was no way I could accept that offer, and anyway, I had my own laptop and everything I needed on it, as well as notepads and sketchpads. The least I could do was take it all with me, after they had invited me over. Just don't get me started on the first line of that email. I am going to see her tomorrow. _Tomorrow._ How was she even going to act around me? How should I act around her? I guess there was plenty of time to worry about that tomorrow. _Tomorrow._ For now I should reply to her and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day. _Tomorrow._

_"I guess I can't argue with that, seeing as you are my boss and all...;)There's honestly no need to get anything for me. You have both done enough already, honestly. I have my laptop, which has the software I need, and sketchbooks, pens etc so I can hopefully create something really good for you both. I'm laying in bed right now trying to sleep, but its all so overwhelming I can't! I will keep you updated tomorrow throughout the journey. See you tomorrow? xx"_

I put the phone back down, and tried to clear my head. I was about to travel to the other side of the world to _work_ with Tegan and Sara. What was my life? I lay there with a huge smile on my face. Was this real life? Something made the room light up. I reached over to my phone to see what it was.

1 Unread Email: _  
_

_"Oh yes, that's right, I **am** your boss. So you'd better work extra hard for me...Have a safe journey, and yes, you will definitely see me tomorrow ;)Sweet dreams.  
Tegan x"_

Tomorrow...

 


	22. Chapter 22

_"So you'd better work extra hard for me..."_

Of course I couldn't sleep after that. How could I?! Last night was the last night I would be sleeping in my bed for a week. I was going to be falling asleep and waking up thousands of miles away from here. Away from everything I know, and from everyone I know.

A different city, in a different country. It scared me more than I thought it would. I didn't like to be alone. And even though I was going to see Tegan and Sara for some of it, I was still going to be alone...or was I? _Maybe_ Tegan would keep to her offer of showing me around. I didn't expect it, but I would definitely welcome it. I can't even imagine it happening. I have no idea what to expect from this trip, but I hope that we still have that connection we had. I know I shouldn't want it and part of me feels really bad for wanting it, but, its Tegan... and I am still so in love with her that it hurts. Sounds silly, right? To be in love with someone you don't know. It's not easy that's for sure. If it continues as it was on tour then I won't know how to handle it.

Sitting in the car as my girlfriend drives me to the airport, felt so surreal. If only she knew what was running through my mind, I don't think she would want to be taking me there. We pulled up to the terminal and she got out to say goodbye.

"Good luck sweetie! They are going to love you so don't worry ok? You are going to win them both over with your amazing talent and who knows where that might lead? Make sure you let me know when you land as soon as you can, ok? And most of all have fun!" I smiled into her neck. I was going to miss her. I would miss her support and comforting words.

"I'll try! Thanks for being so supportive of me. I will do my best. I'll miss you..."  
"I'll miss you too." As we kissed goodbye, I felt a pang of guilt as all kinds of emotions took over me. I grabbed my case and walked throughout the doors, looking behind me to see her waving me goodbye...  
  
I had never travelled on a plane by myself before. In fact, I had never really travelled any long distance by myself. If it wasn't with my family it was with friends and/or my girlfriend. The travelling part didn't worry me however, it was the destination and nature of my trip that did. I was going to be waking up alone in a hotel bed, and going to sleep alone. In between I would be spending time with Tegan and Sara. What if it will be just Tegan and me at times? Alone. Our emails to each other haven't entirely been innocent, and there was so much tension between us. Surely she won't carry that on...or will she? As my thoughts continued, I couldn't believe how much time had passed and before I knew it, it was time to board. Here goes... _  
_

_"Hey Tegan, So I'm boarding now. I will email when I land. I hope you are ready for me? ;)See you soon xx"_

I picked up my bag, wrapped my headphones around my neck and started to slowly make my way to the gate. My phone buzzed almost immediately. I didn't expect a reply already due to the time difference and how early my flight was. _  
_

_"Hey, oh I'm definitely ready, the question is, are you? ;)See you later :)Tegan x"_

Shit. I don't think I am. How can I be ready for this? How can I be ready for _her_? My stomach dropped as I read the email once more time before walking on the plane, taking my seat for what was sure to be a loooooong flight.

The moment the wheels left the ground, I couldn't help but smile. I was on my way. Holy shit...Headphones in, music on loud, thoughts on low. I pushed everything to the back of mind. I don't even know how I managed to do that. I have never been able to in the past. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me that everything would be ok. Maybe it was telling me that this trip would be the making of me. Maybe it was telling me this was the start of a better future. A happy future.

I spent hours just listening to music, with my eyes closed in a dream-like state. I had enjoyed the quiet flight; there were spare seats around me so I could stretch out and relax more than usual. A song came on and the lyrics spoke so clearly to me that it woke me up suddenly and reality hit me all over again...

_"I can't think about you without feeling high and broken down at the same time."_

That lyric could not describe my life anymore perfectly. I could relate to it more than ever. Thinking about Tegan always made me smile, but as quickly as a smile would grace my face, it would fade away with the realization that I could never have her. I could never be her number one, like she was mine. It was a forbidden love. The kind of love that's written about in novels, dreamt about in dreams and acted out in movies, but never one that is lived in real life. Not in my life. Because that is not how life goes. I do not deserve that. I don't feel sorry for myself because of it, it's just how it is. I accepted that things like that don't happen to normal people like me. As another song started to play, it was like the song choices were taking my thoughts and singing them back to me.

_"It's times like this I think too much, oh please don't think too much."_

However, I started thinking about the last month. I needed to try and clear my mind of all anxiety before I landed and I was thrown into a whole different world. One that involved a certain Tegan Quin. Was something going to happen between us? I thought back to all the flirty comments we had shared, and all the glances on tour. I was going to be looking her in the eyes again. I was going to see her face. Those lips, those eyes...

_"My face has turned red, but it's not from something you just said, oh I'm blushing on the inside, it's those damn green eyes."_

My stomach was full of butterflies. The captain announced that we were about to start our descent. I looked out the window and I could see a mixture of mountains, forests and heavily built up areas. It looked so pretty. I was going to be down there, somewhere and very soon. I stared out the window, looking at what could possibly be a part of my destiny...  
 **  
**

**TEGAN POV:** _  
_

_"I hope you are ready for me? ;)"_ Girl, I couldn't be any more ready...

I have been waiting to see her again ever since we walked out of that room, backstage at our last show. Luckily everything had turned out as I had planned it to, and quite quickly too. It's only been a few weeks. I can't imagine how I would have coped if it was any longer. If it had been months I would have had to do something to change that. I don't want to sit around waiting on life to happen. If it's going to happen then I want it to happen sooner rather than later. Why wait on something so beautiful? Why wait on something that could make me happy? It might not even happen, and if so, then that's the way it has to be, so waiting and waiting just for there to be nothing in the end is just pointless.

I woke up earlier than normal. I still had a couple of hours until I had to leave for the airport, so I decided to take a long shower and start to get ready. I wanted to look good for her. When she sees me sitting in the back of the taxi, I want to see that look in her eye again. The look that makes my insides ache for her. Like she has never seen anything so beautiful. When she looked at me like that at the show, I blushed. I mean _I_ blushed. I can't remember the last time anyone made me blush like that...

I put some music to play throughout the apartment, to set the mood. Before putting the finishing touches to my hair, I checked around everywhere, making sure it was spotless. I was ready. I looked in the mirror, grabbed my leather jacket and put my boots on. My phone started to ring; the taxi was here.

Oh god, its finally time. I left the music playing quietly as I grabbed my keys and phone and made my way downstairs to get in the taxi, to go and get her...

I don't think I have been this nervous for years. I can stand in front of a crowd of thousands of people and not break a sweat. When Sara and I release new songs, I get a little anxious but never _this_ nervous. It wasn't long before we would be there to pick her up and I was nervously checking my phone for an email.

1 Unread Email...

_"Hey, I have just landed, waiting for my bags and I will be in arrivals shortly. I will let you know when I am at the hotel :)See you soon xx"_

Little does she know, she will be seeing me a lot sooner than she thinks...We pulled up to arrivals and the driver got out and made his way into the airport. Oh my god. _She's here..._

 


	23. Chapter 23

As the wheels thumped on and off the Tarmac, the realization that I had just landed in Vancouver hit me just as hard. It was one hell of a landing, probably the worst I had ever experienced. The plane swerving side to side and bouncing up and down causing people around me to hold their breath and the few children on the flight to scream out loud. I just hoped this was not a reflection of how this trip would go. I hoped that this was as bumpy as it would get.

When we finally came to a stop the whole cabin breathed a sigh of relief. The captain apologized for the landing over the speaker. Apparently there was a problem with the runway and we were infact the last plane to be cleared to land before they closed it temporarily. Luck seemed to be on my side, as we would have had long delays and a possible redirection to different airport.

I didn't want this journey to go on any longer. I just wanted to get my bags, get to the hotel, shower and try to mentally prepare myself for the days ahead. To say I wasn't a little scared being all by myself in a new and unexplored city would have been a lie. I thought about it and decided I would just stay in my hotel room, order room service and get some rest. I didn't feel like exploring today. The flight had taken it out of me. When Tegan had told me she hated flying by herself, I could honestly see why now. It was lonely. Having someone next to you to talk to whenever you want to I guess is something you take for granted when you never have to do it.

Music only keeps your company for so long before there is nothing to distract you from your thoughts. And thoughts and feelings were something I had plenty of.

Stepping off the plane had never felt so good. The first step in this new adventure had been taken. I felt proud. I had never before in my life done anything like this, especially not by myself. This had all come around because of something I had done. The decision to make a book of my art all those months ago and to actually give it to Tegan and Sara had led me to where I am today. That in itself has been my greatest achievement. There was nothing else in my life I could hand on heart be proud of. And look at where it has got me! I am in Vancouver airport waiting for my luggage as I email Tegan to let her know I have landed. Maybe I should stop worrying so much over things. I have always over-analyzed every single thing in my life, which is probably where I am going wrong. The only thing I never over-analyze is my art, and that is the one thing that has created this amazing opportunity.

I'm not sure if it's the slight jet lag I have that is slowly creeping into my system, or just that I have finally found some clarity after years and years of doing the same thing over and over again that it just happened to be this exact moment in my life, that I was meant to realize why I am here and what I should be doing...

Maybe everything that has happened so far was all building up to this moment. This exact moment in my life where I am finally starting a whole new chapter. A chapter with me as the main character. A chapter where the focus is on me. A chapter where there are other people involved but it is important that I make sure I stay true to myself and not worry about anything or anyone else. I was always one for putting others first. As long as everyone else was happy that all that mattered, whether the consequences made me miserable or not, I couldn't just sit there and watch others be unhappy. Maybe it was time to do something for me.

I could see my suitcase around the other side of the belt; slowly making it's way around to me. This was it. I had everything I needed. I had a heart full of passion and a head full of dreams. It was time to start putting them together to make them come true. I made my way to the restroom, before heading out the doors and into the arrivals hall.

I glanced around, there were numerous people holding up placards with names on, none of which matched mine. I walked around for a couple of minutes scanning every face and every board until I realized there wasn't one. Maybe the taxi is running late. I decided to stand over to the side and wait. More and more people came through the same doors I had and were greeted by friends, family or a driver of some kind, led outside and taken away to their destination. I text my girlfriend to let her know I had landed. I started to get nervous. What if she had forgotten? Before I could delve into the doubting thoughts lined up inside my head, a man mid-30s approached me holding a board with my name on.  
  
"Hi, I'm Mike, I am so sorry if I'm a little late, I had problems pulling up and parking outside the terminal. Are you ready to go?"  
How did he even know it was me when he walked on over? He had never met me before and just had a name to go by.  
"Yeah, ready as I will ever be. So how did you know it was me when all you have is my name?" I questioned.  
"Well, Tegan told me to look for a hottie standing all by herself..." I looked to the ground and blushed. She called me a _hottie_?  
"-Oh and she also showed me a photo of you", he replied with a smirk. Oh god, she must have showed him _that_ photo! _The little fucker..._ I couldn't help but laugh out loud. Oh now I was definitely going to get her back...somehow...

Mike led me to the car. It almost looked like a limo, not as long as a full stretch, but looked like it was a private hire vehicle in shiny black with silver detail and slightly tinted windows. It looked big enough to hold four or five people. I was expecting just a standard taxicab to take me to the hotel, not this fancy car.  
Mike loaded my luggage into the trunk, "So have you ever been in Vancouver before?"

"No, I've never even been to Canada before and I have always wanted to visit, so I'm really excited to see what it's like here."  
"Well your guide awaits you", as he pointed to the car door. Slightly confused by his comment I opened the door and bending down to get in when I heard a familiar voice speak over the softly playing music, "heyyy, fancy seeing you here..." _Tegan..._

It took me a few seconds to register what was happening. I looked at her sitting in the seat right in front of me, donning that smile that never fails to make my knees go weak, and blushing smile to spread across my cheeks.  
"Oh hi! I err wasn't expecting to see you yet, you'll have to excuse my appearance, I have hours worth of plane on me", I laughed as I climbed over her to reach the spare seat on the other side of her. I swear she sat there on purpose so I'd have to climb _over_ her...  
"You look good to me", she replied eyeing me as I moved my body over hers and finally resting it against the cool leather of the seat.  
"So, how was the flight?" she asked, turning to face me as I made myself comfortable.  
"Ugh, it was horrible actually. Flying alone isn't as relaxing as I thought it would be and there was a lot of turbulence and the landing was scary..."

"Yeah we heard on the radio that they are closing the runway for emergency maintenance so I was relieved when you said you had landed safely. I can't believe you are here in Vancouver! Its really nice to see you again"  
"Yeah, it's great to see you too..." our eyes locked, and the warmth I never knew I was missing, started from the tips of my toes and spread throughout my body to the tips of my ears. We studied each other's faces, taking in each other's presence that we had been missing for weeks. There was no one to make us feel on edge, there was no one to interrupt us, there was nothing to make us feel guilty for enjoying this moment of just being here with each other. I'm sure I was blushing, and I wasn't sure if I cared or not, but it did remind me I needed to do something...

"Oh, and this is for showing the driver that blushing photo of me", I said as I leaned over and smacked her arm lightly easing the tension between us. She laughed, throwing her head backwards, before turning to me and faking an "Oww!" as she rubbed where I had just tapped her.  
"Well, you've been with me 5 minutes and you already can't keep your hands off me...I thought you were going to make this a little harder for me?" and that look in her eyes teased me just as much as her words did...

"Ha, maybe I will, maybe I won't..." I said with a wink, as she nodded sticking her lip out satisfied with my response. I stretched my arms and legs out as much as I could. I had been sitting down for most of the day and my limbs were starting to ache and a yawn escaped.  
"Am I boring you _that_ much already?" she joked.  
"Oh god, no! I'm so sorry, the flight has really took it out of me it seems!" I replied feeling embarrassed for letting a yawn out in her company.  
"Oh I know that feeling too well. Just relax, we'll be at the hotel soon and we can get you checked in".

As we drove for a while longer, Tegan pointed out various sights out the window as we drove around Vancouver. It really was a pretty place. I couldn't believe I was here with Tegan, sitting in the back of this car...

We pulled up to a really nice looking hotel.  
"Here we are. Come on, I'll come with you to check in."  
She opened to door and stepped out to hold it open for me. As we walked into the hotel she put her hand on the small of my back guiding me to the check-in. I could feel the warmth of her hand on my back. Omg. She is holding her hand against me. I tried to focus on everything the front desk were telling my, but all my mind was thinking about was her hand on me. I'm sure she could probably feel the increase in my temperature through my jacket. I was handed my key card for my room and Tegan guided back outside to the car, opening the door for me. I looked at her confused.

"You didn't think I was going to let you arrive here and be all by yourself did you? Come on, I'm taking you back to my place" and she gestured for me to get back in the car. Surprisingly I managed to keep my calm and responded with a smirk.  
"Whatever you say boss" as I climbed into the back of the car.

Holy shit. I was going to Tegan's place.  
_Holy shiiiiiit..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read this far, then I'm guessing you might want to continue reading right?  
> If so please send me a message, leave a comment, gimme kudos or hit me up on twitter (@wamawriter) and let me know and if the demand is there then I can upload more chapters :)
> 
> I just want to check that there is an audience for this story before I spend hours adding more and more as it is posted elsewhere.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a little while I know, but I wasn't sure if this pic was well-received on here or not and I forgot my deets.   
> So, please, leave a comment if you would like more updates for this story and I will see what I can do. I can direct you to where it is posted elsewhere (all 224 chapters and still going) so hit me up via message if you want this info :)

**TEGAN POV:**

  
As I sat in the car, my eyes were glued on the airport doors, my heart skipping a beat every time they opened. Waiting to see her walk out and in to the Vancouver air was something I had honestly never expected to happen. Not so soon after the tour anyway. The doors opened one more time and there was no mistaking that figure...there she was...

I could hear Mike making conversation as he loaded her luggage into the trunk. Oh god it was nice to hear her voice again. Her sweet and softly spoken voice, laced with a hint of nerves and shyness. I was only a few seconds away from being face to face with her and my heart was beating a million miles an hour.  
"Well your guide awaits you", I heard him say. She looked confused as hell. The door opened and as she bent down to get in the car, I couldn't help but smile widely as I spoke, "heyyy, fancy seeing you here..."

The look on her face was priceless; I wish I had my camera ready to capture it. That would have been another good one to hold against her, if I ever needed it... Wow I had missed that blushing face; the photo has nothing on seeing it face to face. She looked good. _Really good._

She told me to excuse her appearance as she's had a long day of travel. She didn't have to. Not at all. My plan to sit in the nearest seat so she would have to climb over, worked like a charm. As she climbed across to her seat, I looked over her body and how it moved as it hovered over mine, and it was worth it. I really shouldn't have said it, but I did anyway, "you look good to me" as my eyes continued to scan her body. I should really learn to control the thoughts I have in my head from coming out as actual words. It wasn't that I didn't mean them, I meant every word, but she has just this second arrived in Vancouver and into my company and I am already shamelessly flirting with her. I decided I owed it to her to lighten the mood straight away, so I asked her how the flight was. She spoke carefully. I could tell that she was a little uneasy about the journey she had just endured but she didn't want to make it sound as bad as it probably was. I felt bad for her, and hoped that I could make up for it in the next few days. She had come all this way for us, so the least I could do was make it worth her time.

"Yeah we heard on the radio that they are closing the runway for emergency maintenance so I was relieved when you said you had landed safely. I can't believe you are here in Vancouver! Its really nice to see you again"

She replied looking straight into my eyes, as if searching to make sure my words were honest and truthful. "Yeah, it's great to see you too..." she said. My words were true. They were sincere. We sat there in a comfortable silence just looking at each other. It was the first time I didn't feel I had to rush to look away in fear of being caught by anyone. It was the first time we could enjoy being with each other, in each other's company. It was the first time we could actually see each other. Her eyes were so inviting, showing me a glimpse of her, and I liked what I could see. Before it got too intense she leaned over and whacked my arm gently saying, "oh, and this is for showing the driver that blushing photo of me". I loved her playful tone; I couldn't help but laugh at her embarrassment, once again. There was only one way I wanted to take this.

"Well, you've been with me 5 minutes and you already can't keep your hands off me...I thought you were going to make this a little harder for me?" I half joked. Then she completely took me by surprise with her reply;

"Ha, maybe I will, maybe I won't..."

There was that wink again. The wink that made my knees go weak. I thought about continuing to tease her, and what I was about to say was something that would either lead to us having a much needed discussion about whatever this was that was going on between us, create an awkward tension which I really didn't want, or it would totally break down the barriers and maybe I would finally get to feel those lips kissing mine...

I wasn't ready to find out. She had only just arrived; it wasn't fair to put her in that position. We had plenty of time to get to know each other properly and see how we feel then over the next few days. I didn't want to rush anything, so I nodded, sticking my lip out with a satisfied grin on my face. I was hoping for the latter...

She started to stretch out and I could tell that she was exhausted from the journey. Her mind was probably going at a hundred miles an hour, with everything she has been going through over the past few weeks, never mind just the last few hours.

"Am I boring you that much already?" I joked. She apologized and I told her to rest. For the rest of the journey I let her relax. I watched her as she looked on out of the window as we drove through Vancouver and I pointed out various things along our route. I could see the excitement on her face that she was here, seeing it for the first time. She was beautiful. The way she sat there looking out the window and every now and then glancing my way making my body warm in this cool Vancouver weather, the way she listened taking in everything I said, the way her mouth moves when she smiles, the way her eyes dance when they see something they like...

We arrived at the hotel and I had absolutely no intention of letting her go up to her room. I didn't want her first day her to be spent by herself in a hotel room. I wanted her to feel welcomed. I wanted her to feel comfortable. I wanted her to feel at home. I wanted her to be with me, in my home.  
The car came to a stop. I opened to door for her and waited for her to exit the car. Flashing her a smile, I placed my hand on her lower back and started to walk over to the check-in desk. I don't know what made me do it, it just felt natural. Maybe I shouldn't have done it, but she didn't look uncomfortable, quite the opposite in fact. I could feel her warmth as she ever so slightly eased back into my embrace so there was a slight pressure against my hand supporting her. It felt nice, it felt right and it made me feel proud. Like I was showing off this beautiful girl to the world, even though she wasn't mine to show off...

As soon as she was handed her room key, I turned us around and started walking back to the car outside and opened the door for her. The look of confusion on her face made me smile for the fiftieth time already today. I think I might end up with face ache by the end of today the amount she makes me smile with all the little things she does.

"You didn't think I was going to let you arrive here and be all by yourself did you? Come on, I'm taking you back to my place" as I held my hand out prompting her to climb back in. The smirk on her face told me she was about to say something to send my insides reeling...

"Whatever you say boss".

_Yeah, that'll do it..._

I watched her climb in and take her seat. My laughter causing her to smile adorably at me, with a teasing look in her eye. _Fuck..._

I just want to kiss her so badly right now. It's crazy because I don't even know her. There is just something about her. Maybe it's how she flirts with me, with enough conviction that I believe she wants to, but with that little bit of self-doubt that she believes nothing could become of it. Little does she know I am more than ready for it. I wonder how she can have so little confidence in herself when she is so damn beautiful. We rode in a comfortable silence. It wasn't a long drive and before we knew it we pulled up the street I call home, and stopped in front of my building. Mick got out of the car and went round to the trunk to collect her luggage. I opened the door, stepping out into the cool Vancouver air. The sky was grey and threatening to rain. I secretly hoped for the weather to take a turn for the worst, so I could use it as an excuse to stay in with her tonight.

As if on cue the heavens opened and the rain started to come down heavily. Mike ran with her bags to the entrance, while I pulled her out of the car, grabbing her hand, we ran over to shelter. I thanked Mike for driving us, and he looked at us both smirking, "have fun ladies", shooting me a subtle wink before heading back to the car. I guess I really was being obvious with my affections...

I led her to elevator, and my nerves kicked in. I don't know why I was so nervous. I guess the moment my front door closes behind us, is the moment we will be alone together. I was nervous for many reasons. I was nervous for how my feeling would progress. If they would progress at all, or if they would fade away. I was nervous for how she would feel and if her feelings would progress or if they would fade away. I was nervous that we might not connect how I wish for us to. I was also nervous that things would progress, because how do we deal with that? So many questions that I really didn't need to start asking yet.

As the elevator door closed on us we looked at each other and burst out laughing. We were soaked through."We're going to have to get you out of those clothes," I said, before I realized how inappropriate it sounded, especially given our circumstances. She blushed before replying with a smirk, “that's what she said..."

I eyed her up and down as she did the same tome. The tension in that small elevator was thick with anticipation," I bet she did..." I quietly spoke in almost a whisper, loud enough however that she heard me. I bit my lip, as the elevator pinged to let us know we were at my floor. I stepped out first taking her case and held the doors to stop them from closing on her. She walked ever so slowly towards me, softly exhaling as she brushed her body against mine...


	25. Chapter 25

It dawned on me quickly that the tension between Tegan and I was still there even after the time we had spent apart. Even after the many hours of contemplation and endless doubts of whether it would be something that would continue. It was clear to me now, that every little comment in her emails were sincere. Whether that continued once she got to know me a little more remained to be seen. But I sure hoped so.

I had been in her company for less than an hour and she had already made me blush more times than I would like to admit. As much as I loved it and as much as sometimes I just want to give in and let things happen, oh god did I want things to happen... I refused to let her get the better of me. I wanted to make her feel like I did. I wanted her to want me, like I wanted her.

I didn't want it to be something she wanted just because she knew she could have it. I wanted her to prove that it was me that she wanted, not just passion with someone that could be anyone that showed interest. If I was to go down this road, I wanted to make sure it was what she wanted too. I didn't want to risk everything I have, for something that could break my heart into a million shattered pieces if I was to at first have it, and then have it taken away just as quickly. So if she was enjoying making me blush, then hell, I was going to enjoy doing the same to her...

"We're going to have to get you out of those clothes"

As soon as she said it, it was like she knew she shouldn't have, but enjoyed it anyway. There was slight regret on her face that she had said it but only until I responded with my equally as quick remark, "that's what she said."  
My insides were on fire when she whispered, "I bet she did," which I'm sure wasn't meant for my ears to hear, but they did, and I was about to internally explode when she looked at me up and down, biting her lip. _Fuck..._

Never in my life had anyone said something so seductive to me, in any situation, and here she was, about to take me to her apartment, where I would be working with her and Sara for a week, and I couldn't focus on anything but her biting her lip at me. The elevator beeped to let us know we had arrived at the right floor. She stepped out taking my case and holding the door for me. I decided it was time I did something to make her feel like I did...

I walked slowly over towards her, as my body inched closer, I could see her body tense as I brushed my body across the front of hers, breathing out deeply as I held my stance there for just a couple of seconds. Enough to see her pupils dilate and her breath become shorter. I slowly moved past her, taking the handle of my case so our fingers briefly touched, and spoke into her ear, "ready when you are..."

I could see the breath catch in the back of her throat and I slowly walked on by and into the hallway where I waited for her with a huge grin on my face. It killed me to do that. I could have easily just pushed my lips against hers right there, right then and never stopped until we were gasping for air. She looked at me with a grin on her face and laughed, "oh I see how it is, ok then, let's see how long it lasts shall we? It's this way" as she gestured to the right flashing me a wink. I waited for her to lead the way and followed just behind her as she reached into her jacket for her keys.

_Here I was._

Here I was, standing outside Tegan Quin's apartment. How did this even happen? Everything I had ever tried to imagine of where she lived, what it looked like, how it smelled was about to be bought to life. I was going to step foot inside of Tegan's home. She opened the door and said, "come in, make yourself at home.

I walked in and immediately felt bad for dripping rainwater all over her amazingly clean floor. "Oh god, I'm so sorry, where shall I put this to dry off?"

"Here, let me take it" she said as she helped me peel my soaked jacket off my skin from behind me. I could feel her breath on my neck and my skin erupted in goose bumps, which I could tell totally pleased her. I could sense that smirk spreading across her face as I continued to look at the floor facing away from her. I took off my shoes and placed them against the door.

"Come on, I'll give you a mini tour," she said, speaking the exact same words she said to me back on tour, after the meet and greet. My heart was flipping inside my chest. Those words. Those words that lead to the almost kiss. I could still remember every single word said and every little thing that happened that day. I had a feeling that the same might just happen while being here in Vancouver. I wanted to take every single thing in and hold on to it. I wanted to keep it locked in my heart for the rest of my life, wherever my life may take me. I knew that this trip would be one I would never forget, and it was kind of scary not knowing in which way that would be, at this point.

As Tegan walked me around her apartment, I still couldn't believe I was here. It was so open and fresh; a lot of natural light came from the large windows on the far side, behind the kitchen. The walls were painted in neutral shades but decorated with pictures, paintings and framed artwork. The living room had a large leather couch with nice comfy, soft looking cushions that were so inviting right now. At the back of the room stood a large bookcase housing a huge collection of vinyl records, with an acoustic guitar resting against it. I imagined her sitting on that couch guitar in hand, strumming away creating new music, and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to witness that. She led me into another room.

"So, this is Tegan Quin's bedroom?" I said looking at her smiling. "Haha! Do you know how many people would kill to be in here right now?"  
"Oh, I think I have an idea, yes..."  
"Haha, well I don't invite just anyone in here, so you can count yourself lucky."  
"Don't lie, you couldn't wait to get me in here," I said nudging into her arm.

"You wanted to see how I would react when I saw where you sleep every night, in that ridiculously huge bed that you have all to yourself..."  
"What can I say? I like plenty of room to...move around...and you know I don't plan on sleeping in it by myself for much longer..."  
"Oh really? So you have your eye on someone then? She's a lucky girl..." I knew I probably shouldn't have asked that question, knowing where it might lead, but I still didn't know exactly where I stood with her, and thought that this might make things a little clearer. "I definitely do, and like I said earlier, she should count herself lucky..."

_Fuck..._

Did she just...? Our eyes met and she smiled from the corner of her mouth, curling her lips at one side. My heart was in my stomach. Did she just hint that she had her eye on me? Surely not? She wouldn't be that obvious this soon, would she?

"Well maybe you should show her how lucky she is..."  
"Oh I plan to," she replied with a heart-melting smile, causing my heart to bounce back and forth behind my ribcage. It was clear now that she didn't want to rush anything just as much I didn't. And it was clear now that she was interested in me. Whether I could process that enough to actually believe it, remained to be seen. We were both on the same page though, and that felt comforting. There was no pressure and it was honestly a weight off my shoulders.

"So is there somewhere I can freshen up? I'd actually really like to take a shower and wash the journey off me if that's ok?"  
"Sure, I'll show you where the bathroom is and you can use the guest bedroom to change and have some space. Follow me."  
She led me to her guest room, explaining where everything was and bought my luggage through to me.

"Ok, I'll leave you to it and go and freshen myself up. Would you like to get some food after? We can order in and chill with a beer and movie?" Could she get any more perfect? I thought to myself.  
"That sounds perfect, omg, I haven't eaten for...hours." I replied, my stomach growling at the just the thought of food.  
"I know this amazing takeout if you like Indian food? I could order us some in?" she asked.  
"Yes, Indian sounds great!"  
"Is there anything specific you don't like? I don't want to order you something super hot if it's going to blow your head off," she chuckled.  
"Oh no, I like a little heat every now and then," and couldn't stop myself from winking at her. "I'll remember that..." she responded as she closed the door behind her and left me to try and recover from everything that had just happened.

As I stepped into the shower, the hot water soothed my skin. My thoughts however were still running wild. Why couldn't I help myself around her?! I shouldn't be encouraging any of it, but she has this hold over me that draws me in...and I can tell that she enjoys it as much as I do. And I want it. I want her. Oh god I want her...

Even though there has been this pull between us, neither of us have taken it any further, and despite both being in completely different situations relationship-wise, we are both being cautious. Neither of us wanted to get hurt, or wanted to hurt the other. I decided I wasn't going to over-think anymore. If something happened, it happened. I hope it happens...

 

**TEGAN POV:  
**   


As I closed the door and walked back to my own bedroom, I couldn't help but smile. She was driving me crazy, already! I was trying not to show it, but she was. And the thought of her in my shower... _ughhh fuck._

I picked some clean clothes out of the closet, ran my hands through my hair and went out to the living room to order some food. I grabbed a couple of beers from the kitchen, placing them on the coffee table. I figured we could watch a movie, enjoy some takeout, drink a few beers and relax. It's been a long day for her and I'm surprised she is still awake. I always crash out after a long flight. I ordered the food, and made it all as comfortable as I could. I walked back to the guest bedroom and knocked quietly on the door.  
  
"Just a minute..." I heard her shout. I tried not to picture her wearing nothing but a towel around her, but failed. When she finally answered me to open the door, I wasn't prepared for what I saw...

There she stood in lady boxers and a tank top, shuffling through her suitcase. I momentarily forgot what it was I wanted to say to her, because I was frozen in place just staring at her body.  
She was sexy as hell. _Fuckkk..._

"It seems I didn't really bring anything comfy to chill in apart from my pj's, and I feel a little weird just wearing them..." she broke the silence I had created by not being able to speak. I shook myself out of it, "just wear them as long as you are comfortable, if it makes you feel any better, I just have sweats and a tee on," I encouraged. I wanted her to be a comfortable as she could be.

"Well..." she paused..."these are my pj's," she replied blushing pointing to her tank and boxers. _Ohhhh... well that's more than fine with me girl..._

That was what she wore to bed? _Oh god..._

All kinds of images flashed through my mind in only the couple of seconds it took before I replied. I imagined her laying next to me in bed, waking up next to her seeing her tangled in the sheets from the night before, having her straddle me in that outfit before taking the hem of those boxers between my teeth...

"Well, personally I have no problem whatsoever with that..." I smirked at her, "but if you don't feel comfortable I have some sweatpants you can wear?" I offered.  
  
_Please say no, please say no..._  
  
"Haha, funnily enough I didn't think you would, but I think you have seen enough for now, so I will take you up on your offer," she replied sarcastically with a grin.  
"Fine, spoilsport," as I said as I walked away to grab the sweats from my closet.

"Here you go!" and I threw them over to her as I walked back into the room.  
"Throwing your clothes at me already Tegan? Tut tut, you really don't have any control do you?"

Fuck. What a tease. _What a fucking tease..._

I stepped towards her, I couldn't pass up this opportunity any longer, she was driving me crazy and she knew it.  
"Oh I have control, the question is," I paused as I stepped right into her so her shoulder and hip were resting up against me. Our bodies were so close I could feel her heart beating, I leaned in and whispered in her ear, "do you?...because I am very good...at taking control..."

 


	26. Chapter 26

**TEGAN POV:**

I leaned in and whispered in her ear, "do you? Because I am _very_ good...at _taking_ control..."

She turned her head so we were looking right at each other, right into each other's eyes. The world stopped for a moment, so it was just my own head that seemed to be spinning. I breathed her in. Taking short and shallow breaths, just enough to keep me functioning, and just enough for me to take her scent in. She smelt so good. So sweet and so good. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to feel her lips on mine, between mine. I wanted to press my lips gently in to her neck and feel her soft skin on mine...

Our bodies were touching, our breaths were shallow, and I could see that look in her eyes. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't kiss her, and I was sure I _would_ explode _when_ I kissed her. I leaned in further; tilting my head and closing in on her, to my joy she started to edge closer to me too. Those lips...

*Bzzzzzzzzzz*   
_You have got to be fucking kidding me..._

I stood there for a second; she looked at me trying herself not to burst out laughing. We both tried to control our breathing still locked in a gaze and invested in the moment waiting that little bit longer to lean in once again, when the door buzzed _again_.

"I think you'd better go get that before they run away with our food," she said.  
"Ugh, I guess I had. Come on, let's go eat," I replied as I put my hand on her shoulder and guided her out the room sighing deeply after the moment we just shared. She made her way over to the couch while I answered the door, and took the food to the kitchen to dish out. My heart was still racing, and I had a familiar feeling in other places too. That's twice now I have been interrupted. _Twice_.

"So, what movie do you want to watch? It's totally your choice," I shouted over to her as she scanned through the titles on the screen.   
"Well, I'll probably fall asleep if it doesn't keep me on the edge of my seat, so how about a horror? Although I am a wimp when it comes to scary movies and end up behind a cushion for the majority of it." She was so adorable.

I carried the food over, and placed the side dishes on the coffee table next to the beers. It was an obscene amount of food for two people, but I didn't know what she liked, so I got a bit of everything.   
"Hungry by any chance?" she laughed looking at all the food.  
"Oh yes, _very_ hungry..." I said wriggling my eyebrows at her. She laughed as she whacked me on the arm for the second time today, "perv!"  
"You have no idea..."  
"Haha, Oh I think I'm starting to, miss 'let me make you climb over me in the car so I can get a good view'..." she replied. _Haha I love this girl..._

"Well what can I say? Can you really blame me? I'm sure you would do the same thing," I replied with a grin, loving the fact she had noticed my actions earlier today.   
"I'm not so sure on that, I think I have more self- _control_ than you", emphasizing the control that I was adamant I had earlier, before we nearly kissed, again. She had a very good point. I was like putty in her hands, ugh, if only I _was_ in her hands...  
"We'll see. We'll see," I teased as I took a huge mouthful of food as she just looked at me and laughed.

I love how we could be teasing each other one minute to completely relaxed and comfortable in normal conversation the next. I had never really had that before. Tension and flirting in the past had always lead to one thing. Which I would never complain about, but sometimes it was obvious that it had been rushed and always ended up the same way. I didn't want that to happen with her. I like her. I _really_ like her. So I want to give us the best chance of making it. I am sick of being in relationships where everything is one-way, and I don't feel like it would be like that with her.

She makes me feel like she would give me everything, like _I_ am _her_ everything. I liked that we were being cautious. I liked that neither of us really knew what might happen, but we were still enjoying what _was_ happening. And I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Which is why I can only laugh that we have been interrupted twice when I have tried to kiss her. When the time is right, it will happen. In whatever situation we will be in, wherever we will be and whatever we are doing; it's going to happen, I know it is. And I can't wait for the moment I can finally massage those lips between mine.

We chose a movie, some standard run-of-the-mill horror based on someone being possessed by something evil. I wasn't really paying attention to it; I was more interested in watching her watch it. She grabbed the cushion at every jumpy moment. It was starting to get dark outside so there was just the glow of the TV lighting up her face. I sat resting my head in my palm, with my elbow leaning on the arm of the couch, every now and then looking between the screen and her. I could see she was slowly starting to drift off, fighting to keep her eyes open. The movie was only halfway through and I knew she'd be asleep before the end of it. I was hoping she would be. I could use it as an excuse to have her stay here tonight, rather than going back to her hotel to be by herself.

Within 15 minutes she had fallen asleep, hugging the cushion and leaning closer to me as she fell deeper into her dreams. It was only a small couch, so she was now almost resting on my shoulder. I maneuvered myself as gently as I could so my feet rested on the coffee table in front and I lowered myself, moving across to her so her head could rest on my shoulder. I pulled the throw from across the back of the sofa and pulled it over her. Another ten minutes went by and I could tell by her relaxed breaths that she was in a deep sleep.

I slowly moved positions again spreading my body down the outer edge of the couch, pulling her gently into my side so she was lying down on the inner couch, with her head just resting on my chest. I pulled the throw so it was covering our bodies and just lay there. Her body was so warm next to mine. It was nice just to lay there. I hoped she wouldn't be freaked when she woke up and realized she was laying against me. It was the most relaxed I had felt in, well, years to be honest. It had been such a long time since I had a body laying next to me, even in just an innocent way like this. It was slowly warming my bones that had been starved of contact like this for longer than I cared to remember. I turned the volume on the movie down a little, so not to wake her with the loud bursts of screaming and sound effects.

My focus went from the screen and back to her. I couldn't believe she was here, like this. It was there and then that my heart had decided I needed her in my life. In one way or another, I wanted her in it. I only hoped she wanted me in the same way that I did her. If she didn't, well, then it would be hard to let go of, but I would never give up. When I want something, I don't stop until I have it. I realize that she isn't an object for me to 'have', but I wouldn't give up on the possibility of love between us, because I already know just how amazing we could be together. I still wanted her soul to be present in my life as much as possible. She made me feel alive again. She made me hopeful in the most hopeless of situations, and I'm sure that she won't let me down.

I couldn't wait for tomorrow. I couldn't wait to take her around my city. On the other hand, I wanted time to go as slow as it could. I wanted to enjoy every second of what was happening right _now_. Her body lying next to mine, so peacefully. Whose to say that this will even happen again between us? As much as I hoped it would, there was no guarantee it would. It was already risky feeling like this knowing she already has a girlfriend. We hadn't talked about it yet and I wondered if we would. I guess if things kept going as they were, it had to be mentioned at some point. I didn't want to be just a bit of fun for her on the side, and I didn't want to be the person she cheated on her girlfriend with. It was a difficult situation to be in.

I was in a successful band and she was a fan of us. Not that it makes any difference to me, but she is a part of a fan community, she has friends and a girlfriend within that community. I would essentially be breaking that up. Not to mention that we don't live near each other. We don't even live in the same country... But despite all of these things that could cause problems or stop us being together, I still wanted it. I still wanted _her_ , because I believe within my heart that she is worth it. She has a lot more to lose than I do, and I realize that.

Maybe I shouldn't have come on too strong, knowing all of this? But then I think back and she never looked uncomfortable with _any_ of it. She even initiated some of it. If I didn't have those signs from her, then I probably wouldn't have come on as strong or as obvious as I have done...That's not to say I wouldn't be wanting to, or that I wouldn't have the same feelings for her, but if it was a one-way street I would definitely not push it the way I have been. I know she wants it as much as I do. I know she does. It's just whether she thinks I'm worth it, because I know for damn sure that she is...

As I continued to watch the rest of the movie, I could feel our breathing in sync with each other. I could feel her heart beating, faintly pulsing within her chest, calming me into a relaxed state as I lay there next to her. All of sudden she shifted ever so slightly, lifting her leg so it was hooked over mine, now half resting on my body, half on the sofa. _Fuck, she is almost straddling me..._

I lay there holding my breath, while she continued to sleep peacefully. My heart was beating erratically all of a sudden and I felt pulses flood to other places; she was almost laying on top of me. How do I even begin to cope with this?! I could feel my temperature rising. How will she feel when she wakes up to find herself in this position? Hmmm, well it could be interesting! I guess I could tease her when she does. She's the one who fell asleep on me, maybe I should make her blush again, there's nothing I love more. Well, apart from this right now...

Before I had any more time to think about it, she started to wake up.   
"Hey sleeping beauty," I said softly, noticing my voice was a little husky from lack of speaking over the past hour. She lifted her head and looked down my body when she realized she had half of her body resting against mine.

"Omg, I fell asleep _on you?_ Oh god I am so sorry. I am so embarrassed!" Even though it was dark in the room, I could see her cheeks flush slightly.   
"Well, it's a good job I _do_ have self-control, because you were making all sorts of noises in your sleep, whimpers, moans..." I teased her.  
"OH MY GOD...really? Ok, I'm going to leave now, it was nice to see you, nice to know you, I'll see myself out..."

She attempted to get off the sofa, trying to figure out a way that wouldn't involve climbing up, over and across my own body, I stayed in exactly the same position knowing that if she wanted to move she would have to climb _over_ me. I started to laugh.  
"Hahaha! I'm sorry, I'm only joking. You didn't make _any_ noises, I just wanted to see you squirm."  
  
The look on her face was priceless.  
"You fucker!" she screamed hitting me in the ribs, causing me to tuck my legs in and curl into a ball. I couldn't stop laughing, "that's not funny!" she said trying to hold back her laughter.  
"Oh I think it is. Hilarious in fact," I managed to shout out between my laughs.  
"Oh really? So, I didn't actually make any noises laying on top of you then?" she questioned with a tone that suggested she was going somewhere with this.   
"No...you didn't..." I said cautiously.   
"So...you, _Tegan Quin_ , had a girl laying on top of you and you didn't make her moan? Wow, maybe you have lost your touch..." she said with a smirk.

_Damn, this girl..._

"Haha! Girl, I can assure you I have _not_ lost my touch. Believe me if you were conscious..." I broke off the sentence, leaving her hanging while I looked her up and down.   
"Oh really, well, I'll have to take your word for it.... for now..." she deflected, "I should probably be getting back to the hotel though, would you mind calling me cab?" she said breaking into an adorable little yawn.

I looked at her with a smile, "the only place your going is to bed."   
I paused waiting to see if she would take the bait. As she was about to call me out on being presumptuous, I toned it down and told her my reasons; "I'm not having you go back to that lonely hotel room to be by yourself. You are staying here with me, so I can make some breakfast tomorrow morning, before I take you out to explore my city."

"Are...are you sure? Because I honestly don't mind. It was a lovely hotel and I feel bad that its been paid for and not used."  
"Of course I'm sure." I smiled.   
"Why do you think we didn't drop your bags off at the hotel? My intention was for you to stay here. It's been a long day, and I bet you are exhausted."  
"Well, if you are happy to have me here, then I am happy to be here," she replied with a heart-warming smile.  
"I wouldn't want it any other way," I replied as I offered my hand to pull her off the couch. I walked her back to the guest room door, "I hope you sleep well, and if you need anything, just let me know, ok?" I told her.

"Thank you so much Tegan, thank you for making me feel so welcome already," and with those words she leaned forward and put her arms around me for a hug. I melted into her embrace, breathing in her sweet scent. "Goodnight, Tegan," she whispered in my ear, flashing me a smile before she turned around opened the door and closed it behind her.

I stood there for a few seconds before walking to my own room. I collapsed backwards on to the bed, staring up at the ceiling with the biggest smile on my face. I hadn't felt this happy in a long time. My body hadn't felt these urges in a long time. I lay there thinking over everything that had happened today. I couldn't wait for tomorrow. I couldn't wait to take her out. I couldn't wait to spend more time with her. I couldn't wait to get to know her. I couldn't wait for the morning. I couldn't wait to see her smile again. I couldn't wait for the possibility of another hug. I couldn't wait for another opportunity to kiss her. I couldn't wait to be with her. I couldn't wait for my plans to become reality.

I lay in bed facing the direction of where she was sleeping in the room next to mine, just staring at the wall, trying to picture her behind it. Just one wall separating us. I hoped that over time, that wall would no longer exist. I was ready. I hope _she's_ ready...

 


	27. Chapter 27

My mind was still reeling from what I had done. I fell _asleep_ on Tegan. Not just on her couch in front of her, which would have been embarrassing enough, but practically _on_ _her_. I had wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Luckily, I don't think she cared at all. In fact it actually seemed like she enjoyed it. When I first opened my eyes I just remember seeing her smiling. Buy why? Why was she like this with me? Why _me_ of all people? What was it that she saw? What was it that she liked?

As we walked back to the guest bedroom, where I would be spending the night, I couldn't believe everything that had happened today. This morning, I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend and now I am in a different country in Tegan's apartment about to spend the night here. Despite being so nervous to meet her again since everything that happened, and everything that was said, it has been nothing short of amazing. There have been so many moments where I thought we were going to break that tension and both give in to this magnetism pulling us together, and I have only been here a few hours. Nothing has changed between us since the tour. In fact it has only got stronger. I wonder what she thinks of me though. I mean, I have a girlfriend yet I am shamelessly flirting with her as if I'm single. Surely she must not be happy with the situation?

I guess the conversation is bound to come up sooner or later.

If tomorrow is anything like how today has been, then I should probably bring it up, it's only fair to her. I'm not sure what to say, but we need to be honest with each other if there is a chance of anything happening. I lay there, in the dark, facing the wall that I knew Tegan was behind. On the other side of that wall is Tegan. _Tegan_. The one person that truly holds my heart. She is on the other side of that wall. She let me fall asleep on her. She invited me into her home. She made me feel welcome and she has made me fall in love with her even more. I tried to picture her on the other side of the wall. I tried to imagine her face, as she lay there asleep. I wondered if I could ever be that lucky as to be on _that_ side of the wall _with_ her.

When I woke up the next morning it was earlier than I normally wake up. Must be the slight jet lag. As I stretched out in the large most comfortable bed I think I had ever slept in, I thought I could hear someone singing. I walked over to my case, and started to pick out some clothes for the day. I started every day with a shower, so after collecting everything I needed, I opened the bedroom door and started to make my way down the hall towards the bathroom. As I got closer I could hear the singing getting clearer. I stood in front of the bathroom door, which was closed and locked...

_"-stop crying over meeee, stop worrying over nothing, stop worrying over me, so it's been so long since you said, well I know what I want and what I want is right here with youuu-"_

_Tegan_. Tegan was singing. She was singing _The Ocean_. The song that almost bought me to my knees when she sang those lyrics to me, at that show on tour. I stood there pressing my forehead on the door, so I could just listen to her husky voice singing those words oh so quietly but with the perfect amount of passion that you could tell those words still meant something to her...

Her _voice_. I had never heard her sing like that before, so raw, so innocent and so natural. I wondered how many people had actually been able to witness _this_. To hear her sing, away from the microphone, away from the stage, away from the limelight, just her. I stood there almost in a daze, eyes closed leaning on the door just listening to her. My heart was beating for her. I must have gone into more than a daze than I thought. The door opened suddenly and I almost fell forward.   
  
"Good morrrrning!" she said with a chuckle, "did you want to join me in there orrrrr..?" she said with a smirk.

_And so it begins..._

I hit her arm gently as I scanned my eyes over her. She was wearing a sleeveless tank, skin-tight jeans and her wet just-washed hair falling in her face dripping down on to the towel that sits around her shoulders. My god she was beautiful.   
"I... just wanted to shower, but I noticed the bathroom was taken so-"  
"So you thought you'd stand there and listen in on my amazing morning vocals right?" she chuckled.   
"Well, yes actually, your voice...does things to me..." I admitted, looking down to the floor when I said it. I really hadn't planned on bumping into Tegan before I had chance to shower and make myself look half decent.  
"Really? Hmmm, well, I'll remember that when I'm making you sing your _own_ song..."   
_Oh my... god..._

My face felt like it was on fire, and I knew it was true just from hearing the little chuckle she does every time she makes me blush.   
"Ok, so now I've teased you enough, I'm going to make some breakfast. Do you think you'll be ready in twenty?" she asked.   
"Oh, erm, yeah sure, I think I can manage that," I said with a smile. She placed her hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze before walking off towards the kitchen. _Well fuck me..._

I had barely been up 15 minutes and she had already made me blush. If today was going to continue like this, I'm sure I would be dead by the end of it. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take without something happening between us. There is so much built up tension between us it's only going to take one thing for one of us to cave. As I had promised I was ready within twenty minutes, fifteen actually, so when I walked through to the kitchen area, she was still making breakfast. Pancakes.

_Is she after my heart or what?_ She hadn't noticed me yet, so I stood there just watching her, totally invested in making these pancakes the best she could.  
"Smells good in here," I spoke to make her aware I was there.   
"Shit, how long have you been there?" she said in a fright.  
"Long enough," I replied with a smile, which was returned equally as warm.   
"Well, take a seat, breakfast is served."

She sat next to me at the breakfast bar, and laughed at every little noise I made. These pancakes were perfection. "I'm sorry, but these are amazing. I hope you are planning on making me these at least once a day while I am here."   
She looked at me with those smiling eyes, "I'll make you a deal, if you agree to stay here, with me for the whole of your stay, then I promise you I will make you these for breakfast every day. Do we have a deal?"   
  
I could see the hope in her eyes. She _really_ wanted me to stay here with her. I must admit, there is nowhere else I would rather be. If she was happy having me here, I was more than happy to be here.   
"Deal. Although I will need to go and get some more suitable pj's..."  
"Oh, well that's also part of the deal, I'm afraid. You have to wear _those_ pj's, I feel it's only fair that if you enjoy my breakfast this much, that I also have something to enjoy..." she scanned me up and down waiting for me to look at her before winking at me.

"Oh, I see, is that so? Well, I'm not so sure that is a fair deal; your pancakes are not _that_ good. However, they might just get that little bit better if you made them in similar clothing..." I countered, with challenging eyes.  
"You want me to cook your breakfast in my underwear, do you? Why don't I serve you breakfast in bed while I am at it too?" she teased. I couldn't reply to that. I couldn't say all of the thoughts that were rushing through my head out loud. What would she think of me? She chuckled and spoke again, "we'll have to see how much of an appetite you can work up first..."

"Hahaha!" I laughed, a little more nervously than I intended. She certainly knew how to make me blush, and she loved to play on it. I needed to calm myself down otherwise I wouldn't last the day.   
"So, is there anything you want to do today? I have some ideas unless there is anything in particular you want to do?" she asked me.  
"Well, I just want to see this beautiful city that you live in. I am up for anything really; do you have anything in mind? I am all yours..."She turned her body so it was facing me rather than the table, and looked deeper into my eyes, like she was searching for the real meaning behind those weighted words.   
"If only... _that_ were true..." she said with a flirty tone that was laced with a hint of anticipation, but also a hint of disappointment.

"Tegan, I-" but she cut me off before I had chance to take it any further.  
"Hey, look, I don't expect anything from you right now, I know this situation we have found ourselves in, is a, well a complicated one. I just...I can't help myself around you and I'm sorry, I guess I just need to have a little more of that _control_ that I was so insistent that I have, huh?" she nervously giggled. I guess she was having the same thoughts as I was regarding the situation we found ourselves in.

"No, please don't be sorry, I feel awful because I'm _letting_ you. I'm not doing anything to stop you, because in all honesty, I don't _want_ you to. This is just so surreal to me, like, this kind of thing doesn't happen to people like _me._ "  
"What do you mean? People like you? You are an amazingly talented, intelligent and beautiful woman and why shouldn't you be made to feel like as special as you are? I know you have a girlfriend and so I shouldn't be acting like I am around you but I can't help myself around you, and I know you feel it too. I know that whatever this is that's between us doesn't come around all the time. I know it doesn't for me, and whether something happens or not, just know that I am not trying to pressure you into anything, honestly, hand on heart, I'm just having a real good time with you and I kinda get the feeling that you are too?"

She spoke from the heart and it hit me right in centre of mine. Why was she so understanding? Why was she so amazing. Why me? Why do I get to have this? Why did I get _her_? _Why?_ Her words had pierced right through me. I wanted to be honest with her, about my feelings for her, about everything. Whether that meant it would change things between us, for better or for worse, I had to do it. I had to let her know how I felt because it was killing me. No one could ever understand how it feels. She will never understand how it feels, but I have to at least try.

"I am. It's still feels like it's all just a dream to be honest. Like, never in a _million_ years did I ever think I would be sitting down next to you just having a conversation with you, never mind be sitting in your apartment and having _this_ conversation with you. Like, I don't know how I got to be so lucky for you to even be interested in me in that way. You are _Tegan_. Tegan Quin. You could have anyone you wanted. _Anyone_. You might not think something like that is important, but when you are on the outside looking in, for years and years as your feelings only seem to get stronger and stronger and yet there is not a single thing you can do to change them, or act on them because you live in a totally different world, the possibility of something like this happening just doesn't seem plausible. It's not something that happens. You don't get the girl you truly want, because you can't. In your own world, they are everything to you but in their world, you are kind of non-existent. They don't even know you name. So, yeah, I kinda don't believe that I could have the attention of someone so desired. I'm sorry for getting so deep, I just don't want either of us to get hurt-"

"Hey hey hey, come here" she stood up and away from her seat and took my hands in hers.   
"This is new to both of us, we don't even know what this is between us yet. We don't have to analyze it, we don't have to discuss it, we don't have to talk about it, unless you feel we need to, ok? All I know right this second, is that this beautiful girl is staying with me for a whole week, and I am really looking forward to getting to know her and show her the city I live in. I kind of like not knowing what may or may not happen between us. All I wanted to do was make sure I wasn't making you feel uncomfortable by taking things too far. If I know you are happy and enjoying it, then that's all I care about."  
I felt bad for bringing it all up when essentially nothing has even happened yet.

"Well, just know that if I wasn't comfortable with it, you would definitely know about it by now. I'm not one to hold my tongue-"  
"Haha, well you seem to have done a good job at keeping it away from me so far," she teased, nudging into me. _  
The cheeky fucker..._

"Excuse me, I don't think _your_ sister or _your_ doorbell can in anyway be my fault..."   
And with that comment, I knew I had won. She threw her head back chuckling out loud. That laugh was going to be the end of me.  
"I suppose not, huh?" she spoke with a grin.   
"Ok, so, are you ready for today? There's a few places I would really like to take you," she admitted.   
"Oh _realllllly_ " I said with a flirtatious tone. And that was all it took for the comfortable and flirty atmosphere to be back. The air was cleared and we could go back to enjoying each other's company, whichever way it wanted to take us.

"You can't help yourself can you?! Ok, I see how it is, well we'll see if you have _any_ control left by the end of today..."  
There was that look again. That teasing look that sent shivers down my spine, a throb to my core and made my knees to go weak...  
  
"Try me..."

 


	28. Chapter 28

**TEGAN POV:** _  
_

_"Try me..."_  
Oh god, she's done it again. She's challenged me once again, and I never back away from a challenge. _Never..._

I felt so much more relieved after our talk. It didn't last long and we didn't speak of that much really, but we had cleared the air. Just knowing that she was ok with how I was acting around her and how things were going was a bigger weight of my shoulders than I thought it would be.

It still amazed me how she didn't believe that I was genuinely into her. When she was telling me about how she felt about me, over the years of following our band, it made me realize just how much our band and us as people can mean to our fans. I had no idea. I had no idea people could feel that strongly when they only see us from a distance. She melted my heart right there and then when she told me that, because I could tell how much she meant it. I meant _so_ much to her and until recently I hadn't even known about her. She wasn't in my life, like I didn't even know that this amazing woman existed, because I was on stage and she was just one face in the crowd, our paths never crossing until that one day on the last tour.

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to have that love but have to suppress it, because you think you haven't got a chance. Which you know, is kind of true, as much as I hate to admit that. We can't meet everyone and we don't have time to get to know everyone we meet. It just proves that it is so easy to miss having a real connection with someone. I try to imagine how she feels right now. She's here, with me. The one person she has openly confessed to loving, to thinking she could never have. Little does she know how _I_ feel about _her_. Now that I know she has feelings for me, no matter if they are still as strong as maybe they once were, at least I can go forward knowing there's a chance.

"I wouldn't challenge me, I _always_ win," I countered.   
"We'll see..." and just like that I was determined to win her over today. Not that I need anymore fuel, but not I had been challenged and I was determined.   
"So, are you ready to go? There's a few places I'm really excited to show you today,"  
"Yeah, ready when you are. Just let me go get my jacket and camera."  
As she walked away I couldn't help but watch her. She was here. With me.

I called a cab and sat back on the stool against the breakfast bar. When she walked back in, I could take her in properly for the first time today. She looked _so_ good. Her clothes always complimented her figure so perfectly. Curves in all the right places...  
I watched her every move as she made her way over to me while she was typing on her phone. I bet it was to her girlfriend. A pang of jealousy rippled through my heart. I tried not to let it affect me too much. I just had to keep remembering what she had said to me earlier, and also that she was here, with _me_. She wasn't back home with her, she was here with me. It was certainly time to make the most of that...

"I'm ready, when you have quite finished checking me out," she teased, smirking at me. So I decided to make it more obvious and _really_ check her out. Starting from her eyes, slowly moving my gaze down her body, holding it longer in _certain_ areas as my smile got wider and wider, before moving my eyes back up to hers and winking.  
"Mmmm, OK, I'm ready now, let's go," she whacked my arm and blushed the deepest shade of crimson I have ever seen, as I walked us to the door.

The weather today was much better, especially because I wanted to take her around Vancouver; I was hoping the rain wouldn't spoil it. The cab pulled up as we stood just talking by the front of my building. I opened the door for her so she could get in first. As we set off I asked her if she was afraid of heights.   
"I'm not...sure really," she answered cautiously, "why? How high are we talking and what does it involve?"  
"It's like a hundred feet or so above the ground, but it's...a suspended bridge, so-" I could tell she was a little unsure before she even cut me off.   
"Wow, a hundred feet? Well, I guess I won't know until I'm up there. So where is it you are taking me?" I loved how even though she was a little apprehensive, she was willing to give it a try. That is _definitely_ a quality I look for in a woman. I like women who aren't afraid...to try things...  
Before my mind trailed off into a place it really shouldn't, I told her all about it.

"It's called the Capilano Suspension Bridge Park and if you are visiting Vancouver it's one of the places you absolutely have to visit. You can walk over this huge suspended bridge, which is one hundred feet above the ground. There's like all these cliff walks, which are attached to the cliffs above this canyon, and parts of it are glass so you can see right down below as you stand on it. There's also a treetops walk, which is bridges high up within the trees so you can walk around and see the beautiful scenery from up high and kind of within the trees. It's really, really pretty and so relaxing. Does that sound ok? Like if you're not ok I have plenty of other places we can go?"  
"Oh no, wow, that sounds amazing. I would love to go there!" She said all smiles, which made me smile. We both just sat there grinning at each other until she broke the silence, "so, are _you_ afraid of heights?"  
"I don't know, I've never really thought about it. I guess we'll find out as soon as we walk on that bridge, huh?"

The rest of the drive went by in a flash. We pulled up to the entrance and I got the drivers number so I could call him once we were finished. We walked over to the ticket office, and told her to wait while I went to get tickets. I know if she would have come over with me, she would have insisted she wanted to pay, and I was having none of that. So I told her to go and take some photos of the surrounding landscape for 'possible artwork ideas'. It worked a treat and as I handed her an admission ticket, she shook her head realizing what I did.

"No Tegan, I don't want you paying for me, I bought money with me, I really don't expect-"  
"Hey, I know what you are going to say and no, you are not paying. I told you I was going to show you Vancouver, so that's what I'm going to do. And I don't wanna hear another word said about it ok? It's my treat. Come on let's go." And with those last few words, came another god damn beautiful blush. I don't think I could ever tire of seeing her do that. I don't think I could ever tire of being the one to make her do that...

We walked through and before we knew it we were at the start of the bridge. What a beautiful way to start the day. The sun was trying to break away behind the clouds and it was starting to warm up. I looked ahead to see that there were only a couple of other people on it, nearly on the other side of the bridge. My idea to come here early was a success, I wanted her to be able to take it all in without a busy crowd around us. She could just enjoy the peaceful atmosphere, and hopefully enjoy being with me. Just me. I watched her face change when she saw the scenery ahead of her. Her eyes smiled, her mouth slightly open easing her breathing as she scanned everything around her. She turned to me and in a voice not much louder than a whisper spoke, "this is...wow..."

I smiled back to her, "I thought you might like it here. So you're not too scared to walk across it? Shall we start?" I asked.   
"I'm ready when you are."   
We both stepped on to the bridge, not realizing that it would move slightly with our weight. I swayed a little into her side and she did into mine.   
"OMG it moves more than I thought it would," she laughed as she gripped my arm for support. We walked further and further on to the bridge until we reached the middle, where we were suspended in the air above a canyon far below us.

As she took photos from all different angles, I took out my phone and took a few of her. I wanted to remember everything about my time with her, while she was here with me. I didn't know if it would ever happen again, I didn't know what the future held for me, for her, or if there would be an 'us', but either way, I wanted to capture all these moments as memories. It will always remind of the time that I regained my faith that I could love again, because after such a hard break-up I thought it impossible. And she, well she has opened my eyes; she has shown me that there are people out there who love selflessly. She loves so selflessly. She has so for years, and I can only hope it isn't too late for me to return that love for her...

We reached the other side of the bridge, deep in conversation about the beauty of this place. As we started our walk through the treetops on much smaller bridges, I asked her about where she lived and what it was like. The way she talked about it wasn't how I had heard her speak about anything else previously. There was a degree of sadness in her voice, like just thinking of being at home made her sad.

"I have never seen anything that can even compare to how beautiful it is here, back home. I know I have only been here a day but you really do live in a beautiful city," she spoke with such heart, that it melted mine.   
"Yeah, that's what I love about it here, there's so many beautiful places to go and see in the summer _and_ in the winter, with all the mountains and the snow and then the lakes and parks, but there's also so much to do and great places to eat. I mean I don't spend as much time here as I could because we are always on the road but it's a nice to come back to."

"So do you miss it, when you are on tour?" she asked me. How do I even answer that question? I don't _miss_ it, because I feel alone here. I didn't used to, but now I'm single, I do. Whenever I am back here it's such a change from where I have just been, on tour surrounded by people and surrounded by love. I didn't want to bring the mood down so I tried to answer as best I could but without lying, "a little, I mean it's hard when you come off tour, you know? Being surrounded by people all the time and having a schedule, to coming back here, it takes a while to adjust...sometimes".

I gave her a weak smile, which she could see right through. What she said next was something that I never expected her to.   
"It's lonely right? Like you have left a part of you, a part of your heart behind on the road?"  
Did she mean _me_? Was she referring to _me_?   
  
We were slaves to the road because that's where we felt most happy and not having to deal with whatever it was back at home, that made us feel incomplete. We didn't want to be at 'home'. Our home was on the road. For me it was where I had company and family and the love of those around me to keep me going and also our fans that supported us as we lived out our dream. For her, I guess it was...because of... _me_?

I didn't want to question her further, but I knew exactly what she was feeling and what her words really meant. I could tell from the look in her eyes as she spoke. Right now, right this second, my heart decided exactly what it wanted; I can't let this girl slip through my fingers. I'm going to fight for this girl if I have to. I have only felt like this for a month or so and it is driving me crazy, yet she has felt like this for _years_ so god only knows how _she_ feels. How? How could she possibly deal with that? How could she contain it for that long?

My mind was made up. This was what I wanted. I knew it now. I finally _knew_ , and I was sure as hell going to make sure that she knew it too...


End file.
